Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I think I might have read the song from Denise's perspective, so it was interesting to get a peek into Gabriel's head as well. If my memory serves correctly, Gabriel is a clown, and Denise is only going out with him because her friends dared her to or else she would get picked on at school.
One thing I enjoyed was the way you structured this song; I loved how in the verses, you talked about how different people all put these expectations on Gabriel and tell him to do things, but then each chorus reinforces his doubt but then ultimately rejects that doubt and reiterates his love for her. I think it was a clever pattern that, despite the song not having an actual tune, gave it a nice rhythm. It made things feel cohesive without feeling repetitive, which was nice.
I also liked how you used questions to really showcase Gabriel's doubt. It was pretty heartbreaking to read, especially knowing the whole thing with Denise isn't actually real, no matter how much Gabriel wishes it was. I think that it also helps to humanize Gabriel as well—seeing things from his side of the story makes me like Denise a little bit less than I did when reading her song. I will say, though, that the questions you used throughout, especially at the end, began to felt quite repetitive. I think that while repetition is important in songs, you don't want to overuse it, or else it just becomes boring and very elementary-seeming. There are a couple of parts that just have questions upon questions in very quick succession, and I feel like it gets muddled and feels overused, so they lose some of their impact. Think carefully about where you want to use your devices and where they'll pack the most punch. Personally, I think the questions towards the end with the big climax were good, but the places in the middle just felt a little confusing.
Specifics
Even if I doubt and pray
The way that this is phrased almost makes it sound like Gabriel is praying that Denise doesn't love him, which, I think, is the opposite of what you wanted. Like, if you remove the "doubt," it would simply read 'even if I pray,' which when paired with the lines before it ("Because at least she loves me,at least she cares") makes it sound like despite his praying, Denise still loves him, which implies that he's praying for her to stop, if that makes sense. I love the rhyme, though, but it would be great if you could find a different word or change the line to preserve the rhyme and give it a clearer meaning.
He says:
“Wasn’t this your dream?”
He’s saying:
“Do what you’ve gotta do or your lack of hard work will make me scream!”
Did he forget that I was fourteen?
I know I’m tall as a man,but I’m only just a boy.
I think these lines were my favorite—I love a good slant rhyme, and the age-dropping was really well executed.
Do I like disgusting?
I wasn't sure exactly what you meant by this—I think you might have meant "Do I look disgusting?"
Overall: nice work! I think this is the best song of yours that I've read so far, though I would love to hear one set to a tune one day! Until next time!
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