z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

The misadventures of a man named Lucifer.

by vampricone6783


PART ONE

It all started when a terrible man named Lucifer yelled at his girlfriend,Auriella,in the park.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING TO THE PSYCHOLOGIST!"

"I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU!"

"I DON'T NEED HELP!"

"OH REALLY?!?! THEN WHY DO YOU BREAK STUFF WHEN YOU'RE MAD?!”

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!"

"THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NICE DATE,BUT INSTEAD IT'S A FIGHT!" 

"IT'S OVER,LUCIFER! WE'RE DONE!" She  stormed off.

"GOOD! I NEVER LOVED YOU ANYWAY!" But his words were lost as she drove away.

Just then he saw a strange lady. She had long,purple hair,and green snake eyes. She beckoned him with one long finger.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"I'm here to give you what you want,not what I want."said the creepy lady.

"You keep losing people you love. Your friends,your girlfriend. Or should I say ex-girlfriend? That's because you're a jerk."

"YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN MY LIFE!!" 

"You're the one who walked up to me. You didn't have to walk up to me. Yet you did. So don't yell at me." She pointed out.

"The only way to get what you want is to become your greatest fear." She said.

"Oh no...." He trailed off.

His greatest fear was becoming a woman. He never could deal with the stuff women went through. He liked being himself and didn't want that to change.

"You're not going to-" He was cut off.

"Oh yes I am! You will become your normal self when you realize the error of your ways!" She shrieked.

"But that could take a long time!" Lucifer whined.

"You brought this upon yourself! Prepare to change!" She checked to make sure no one was around. It was all clear. She waved her hands around and zapped him.

"AHHHHH!!!" He screamed.

Except it wasn't his voice.

It was the voice of a scared woman.

He quickly grabbed his cell phone and hit the camera app.He looked at his reflection through the screen.He was a very attractive man. But,now he was an extremely beautiful woman. That still didn't change the fact that he was cursed.

"Now what?" He asked in disbelief.

You will become your normal self when you realize the error of your ways.He memorized the words.

When do I realize the error of my ways? What did I do wrong? He asked himself.

But then he remembered. Screaming at the old lady because she was slow. Making other people feel small so he could feel big.

Wow,I did a LOT of bad things.

Then something strange happened. He began to feel sorry for the people he hurt. As he was walking home,he realized that he messed up pretty bad. When he finally reached his room,he lay in his bed,thinking about the people he hurt. It was overwhelming.

He cried himself to sleep.

When he woke up,he forgot he was a woman and that his girlfriend broke up with him until he looked at the mirror. Then he remembered everything. The fight,the witch. Everything.

Why am I like this? He asked himself drearily.

He knew the answer,but refused to acknowledge it.

I've GOT to make it up to my friends and my ex-girlfriend.But how? They won't know I'm me.Even if they did,they wouldn't listen.So what do I do?

It was simple.First he walked up to the old lady that he yelled at all the time for being slow and said hello. He even helped out when she took out the garbage."You're so much nicer than that man. Here,have this." She said.

It was a $100 dollar bill."Wait,you're giving this to me?" He asked.

"You deserve it." She told him.

Then,she staggered into her apartment,leaving him stunned,holding the dollar bill.

Wow.This is nice.

After that,he headed to the coffee house,where his friends were waiting. He hoped everything would turn out well.

That's when the news turned on.

"The four adults William,Auriella,Sally and Robert have been kidnapped by the infamous kidnappers, The Destroyers. People are still waiting for more news to come." The News Reporter informed.

My friends and girlfriend have been kidnapped!

Lucifer jumped off the bar stool and ran to the crime scene. They were,most definitely,kidnapped. He followed the clues and eventually found the location. He ran over and found them tied up over a vat of poison.

He had to save them before they got hurt.

"Well,Well. What do we have here? A silly girl who thinks she can stop us." seethed The Kidnappers.They were terrifying ladies with hatred in their eyes and daggers in their hands .Did he look like that all his life before the witch came? There was no time for thoughts. Only to save the people he loved,even though they didn't know it was him saving them.

It was a good thing he took fighting classes,because if he hadn't,he wouldn't be able to fight them.

They fought and punched and speared their daggers.

The fight seemed to last an eternity.

He kicked the ladies,climbed the ladder to the vat,and grabbed his friends and girlfriend.

"Who are you? Why did you save us?" They asked.

"I just wanted to do the right thing." He simply replied.

Then they ran to the police station to report them..

After they reported the kidnappers,Lucifer went to his house.He was glad to save the day and suddenly,being a woman wasn't a worry. The only thing that worried him now was if his friends were in danger.

"You did well." The purple haired lady from the park said.

Then she turned him back into a man.

But he was different inside.

It was many months after he had saved his friends and ex-girlfriend from danger. He had shown the world he could be a better person. He had his friends back,but would he get his girlfriend back?

He called Auriella’s phone number.

She came over."What do you want?" She asked.

"Can we get back together?" He asked.

"Oh,so now you want to get back together? After everything?" She asked angrily.

"I promise I'll be better." He said.

"You want me back? Go to the psychologist. Then you'll get me back." She said.

So he went off to the psychologist.

The psychologist actually helped him. He talked about his feelings and it helped him to grow. He was thankful for the help.

As for him and his girlfriend,they were getting back together. It just took some time. But,he knew it would happen.

He was walking on air.

For now this is the end of the story.Lucifer learned to help others other than himself and now he lives a successful life.His girlfriend is now his wife and they might have kids.

Might not definitely.

PART TWO

It was some time after he had learned his lesson and saved his friends.His cousin was marrying the woman of his dreams,and he was on decorating duty. The wedding was to take place in a "haunted house" attraction,since tomorrow was Halloween.Everyone was going to dress up.Auriella was a vampire princess.

Lucifer,was,well,guess.

He was just finishing up the decorations for the wedding,when,an annoyingly familiar voice said:

"Luciferrrrrr...oh Lucifer.........."

"HI,LUCY!"

"Don't call me that." He said.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

"Because I want to see you! You've come so far from the hideous grump I first met!" She yelled happily.

"What did you say about me?" He asked icily.

"Nothing.Hehe." The witch laughed nervously.

"Look,I don't know who you are or why you keep barging into my life,but what's the real reason you're here?" He asked.

"First,I can't tell you who I am because the time isn't right.Second,the real reason I'm here is to stop the wedding!" She yelled.

"Oh,I'm not letting you ruin my cousin's wedding.Leave now." He growled.

"Now,if you would just listen-"

"I said NOW!" He yelled harder.

"Someone is trying to-"

"NOW!" He yelled.

The witch gave him an icy stare.Her lips parted,revealing a row of sharp, canine teeth.

"WILL YOU JUST LISTEN?! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL YOU AND ARUIELLA,YOU DUMB,DUMB,DUMMY!" She yelled.

Lucifer was shocked.Not by the witch's unhealthy amount of teeth,but the fact that someone was trying to kill them.

"Tell me everything." He said.

"Oh,so NOW he listens!" The witch crossed her arms and looked in the other direction.She was much like an annoying little sister.Annoying,but right.

"If someone wants to kill me and my wife,I would like to be informed!" He yelled.

"Alright,I'll tell you what I know." With that,she got a chair and spilled the ugly truth.

"So let me get this straight.You're saying that someone wants to kill us because Auriella betrayed some vampire cult by marrying me,a human.This "vampire" wants to kill us because they believe that we deserve to die." Lucifer said.

"Yes." The witch nodded her head vigorously.

"If Auriella was a vampire and in a vampire cult,she would have told me.Also,vampires don't exist." He said.

But then he realized his mistake.If witches existed and he was cursed to turn into a woman once,surely vampire cults existed too.

"Do you know who is trying to kill us?" He asked quietly.

"No,I don't.I tried to reach this vampire's mind.But they won't let me.They're blocking me.I read minds,if you didn't know that.I read your mind.That's why I turned you into a woman.But let's not talk about me! Let's think about how to save you!" She yelled.

But then Auriella walked into the room.

"YOU!" She pointed at the witch.

"What are you doing with my husband?!" Auriella growled menacingly.

Lucifer thought that if Auriella knew the witch,then she would totally believe his ordeal with her.

Right?

Both of them were keeping secrets,anyway.He might as well tell her his.

So,for the first time,he told her everything.

"You have to stay away from this witch." She said.

"Why? What's your problem with her,anyway? She never harmed anyone." Lucifer pointed out.

"Because too much happens whenever she's around.I just want a normal life,that's all." She said in despair.

"Normal life?! NORMAL LIFE!? You're a freakin' VAMPIRE! How do you expect to have a normal life?!" He yelled.

"How did you know that?!" She asked coldly.Her eyes glowed blood red,her lips in a snarl.

"I told him." The witch answered calmly.

"Now,stop this fighting.Someone wants to kill you two." The witch added.

But they kept on fighting.

It was so bad that the purple haired,green eyed witch had to silence them with a silencing spell.

"DO YOU FIGHT AND YELL AT EACH ON A DAILY BASIS?! YOU'RE MARRIED,FOR GOODNESS SAKE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER! SOMEONE WANTS TO KILL YOU AND YOU SQUABBLE?! UGH,IT'S A MIRACLE YOU MADE IT THIS FAR IN MARRIAGE!" She screamed.

Then she grabbed them and dragged them to a hidden library,where they were to think of how to stop this villain.

She waved her hands to stop the silencing spell.

The two of them studied the room they were thrown in.

They were standing in the library.The books were old and dusty,skulls decorated the desk,the walls were covered in dream catchers and wind chimes.It smelled musty,but not in a bad way.

It was hidden behind a wall in an abandoned house.

The library looked familiar to Lucifer...

"Wow,this place is amazing." He gushed.

"Thanks.It's my family's library." The witch said.

For a moment,the woman looked at him like he was her brother,but then she looked away and said:

"Let's think of how to save you two."

And with that,she opened a book.

"LOOK!" The witch yelled.

"What is it?" They asked.

"Apparently this vampire named Ipos was in a vampire cult called “The Progéniture of the demons.He was-" But the witch got interrupted.

"What does Pro-gen something mean?" Lucifer asked.

"It means offspring in french.Now, as I was saying, he was in love with a witch, but she didn’t love him back. So he created a cult because of his rage towards the world.” She finished. There was sad, lost look in her eyes.

"I was in “The Progéniture of demons." I had no choice. He made me stay. I never that thought Ipos would go this far as to kill us both. I thought that he would only kill me." Auriella murmured.

"Wait,you were in a vampire cult called:"The offspring of demons",knew a vampire and YOU NEVER TOLD ME?!" He asked.

"I DIDN'T WANT TO PUT YOU IN DANGER!" She yelled.

"Now guys,stop this madness and listen to me:we found out who wants to kill us.we know why he wants to kill us.We need to think of how to stop him." The witch said calmly.

"I have an idea." Auriella said.

"Then by all means,tell it." The witch threw her hands up in the air as if to say:Finally,someone is making sense!

"I'll tell him I'll want to join,and then I'll pretend that I'm into him.He'll believe me,then,behind his back,you guys will attack! He'll be done for,and we'll get back to our lives." Auriella exclaimed.

"Are you sure it will work?" Lucifer asked.

"I'm a vampire.I can seduce anyone.even other vampires." and with that,she flipped her long,black hair and sashayed out of the library.

The next day,it was his cousin's wedding.The walls were dusty black,with green velvet curtains,and "cracked" windows.The tables looked like coffins,with a red velvet on tablecloth,decorated with black roses and eyeballs {fake ones,of course}.The chairs were creaky and wooden,and every once and awhile,the occasional scare actor would jump out and scare.

Everyone gathered around the "haunted" mansion,dressed as witches,werewolves,vampires,zombies,and even devils.The happy couple said their vows and everyone enjoyed a feast of "eyeballs" {turkey meatballs filled with black caviar so that it would look like an eye},and deviled eggs.

Suddenly,someone knocked.

Auriella opened the door.

A tall man clad in black entered the room.

He had shaggy black hair that somehow managed to make him look hot,reddish-black eyes,long fingers that looked more like claws,sharp,vampire fangs,and an evil smile on his face.

He was Ipos.Or a hot and evil vampire, depending on how you looked at it.

Auriella twirled her hair and shimmied her way up to him.She put on arm on his shoulder and said:

"Oh,I would lovveee it if you took me out somewhere,sir."

She was doing a tragic job of seducing him.

See,she sounded more like a fifty-six year old woman trying to get a twenty-four year old to fall in love with her,but lost her voice in the process.

Lucifer and the witch cringed,but there was no going back now.

They tried to stick to the plan,but every so often Ipos would laugh like a high pitched demon and distract them.

"HA! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!" He screamed.

Then he turned around and grabbed Lucifer by the neck.

He tried to remove his hand from his neck.He even fought back.but it was no use,.The vampire was stronger than him.

Ipos tightened his grip.

Auriella didn't hesitate.She lunged at the vampire and he let him go.

They clawed at each other,ripping each other's faces and organs,screaming,getting the attention of everyone.

PART THREE

Auriella and Ipos were still fighting,still trying to kill one another.

Then,the lavender haired witch clapped her hands twice.

Ipos turned to look at her.

She turned him into a frog.

"What..you just..." Lucifer trailed off,surprised by what she did.

"What? I can do things the old way." The witch shrugged.

They may have defeated Ipos,the leader of The Vampire Cult,but that didn't mean other members wouldn’t try to kill them.

Vampires from the cult came storming in,fangs bared and claws sharpened.They flew at everyone.

Suddenly,the ground started melting and rat bats flew in! Half bat,half rat.They survived off of eating brains.

Lucifer shrieked like a little girl.

The witch grabbed him.

"TAKE COVER!" She screamed.

"Not until I can get Auriella!" He yelled.

Even if his wife was a vampire,he was still going to save her.

He walked through the ground,which was starting to become quicksand.

He sunk into Earth.

He landed in...in...

A house.The house was upside down and strangely familiar.

"Where's Auriella?!?" Lucifer yelled.

"Nowhere to be found.Let's just get out of here." The witch said.

But they were buried in the ground.

So they had no choice but to go inside the upside down house that shouldn't have been so familiar.

They walked inside the house.There was a small living room,with dim lighting and red velvet furniture.The walls were white plaster.The books lined the shelves.Some of the titles were:A brief history of spells and hexes by:Anonymous and The Tale of Irnea Ella by:Irnea Ella.

He stopped and picked up a picture of a family.There was him as a little boy.With his Mom and his Dad..

..And a little green eyed girl with purple hair.

A very familiar green eyed girl with purple hair.

Lucifer looked at the witch standing next to him.The sarcastic,helpful,strange witch.

No.

It can't be.

She couldn't possibly be Lucifer's sister.

Could she?

But then she pointed to a gray portal and shouted:

"JUMP IN!"

As they were falling down,the witch looked at him and said:

"This is the portal of memories.It plays long lost memories for those falling in it.Try not to focus on them too hard,or you'll veer off course."

But once Lucifer saw something,he focused on it.

In the memory,there was Lucifer,playing with his toys,squealing with delight.

A tall,green eyed,purple haired girl watched him play.Her eyes were covered in worry.

The parents came in and whispered something to the girl.

She nodded and jumped off the window.

Lucifer noticed this and screamed:"NO! VANESSA! MY SISTER! NOOO! SHE'S NOT A DEMON! SHE'S NOT EVIL!"

The parents looked at him sadly.

"One day,you'll understand." They said.

"LUCY,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The witch pulled him back to reality.He didn't even mind her calling him Lucy.

He looked at her,tears streaming in his eyes.

"How could..I forget you? How are you..still alive? Is your name..Vanessa? Are you my sister?" He asked.

She opened her mouth to talk,but then they landed on wet,slimy earth.

They walked on the soft,slimy ground.

"Don't.make.a.sound." The witch warned.

So he whispered:

"Tell me everything."

The witch turned to look at him.

"Okay,but you're not going to like this.."

"I don't care.I want to know."

She turned to face him.

"Yes,I am your long lost sister.Yes,I am Vanessa.But I was born with supernatural abilities.You see,your mother was a witch.Once.But then she met your father,who was a vampire.He turned her into a vampire and started this vampire cult.He didn't want anything to do with witches.They were the ones who cursed him.Mother loved him.He wanted her,but he didn't love her.long story short,they had you.You,a perfect little boy with no powers.But me.." She continued.

"I was a witch.I inherited Mom's powers.Your parents didn't want me because of this.Mother,because it reminded her of what she used to be and father,who hated witches so much he didn't love his own daughter.You were the only person who wanted me around.One day,my parents told me to jump out a window and die.I jumped.But I didn't want to die.So,when no one noticed,I stopped my fall.I knew my parents would come after me,so I made everyone forget my existence.Including you.Now,that spell is fading." Vanessa said.

She finished explaining.Lucifer was stunned.All this time,he had a sister.A powerful witch.He was so shocked and pleasantly surprised at the same time.

Suddenly,a booming voice echoed through the slimy cavern.

"Well,Well,Well.What do we have here?"

They looked up to see a young and rather handsome teenage boy.He had blood red snake eyes,hair as black as night,long,sharp claws and he wore a leather jacket,leather jeans,a leather shirt and leather boots.Everything was leather.

Yet,there was something disturbingly familiar about the boy.He looked..just like..

"DAD?!?" Lucifer screamed.

He was the vampire who turned his Mom into a vampire.He was the one who didn't love Vanessa,the green eyed,sometimes sarcastic,purple haired witch.

Vanessa,his daughter.

There was something vexing about the idea that he would look forever young now matter how old he got.It was more than disturbing that his father looked younger than him.

"Yes,I am your father! Vanessa,aren't you supposed to be dead? Why are you alive? I told you to jump out the window! What happened?!" He asked.He was practically seething with anger.

"Yes Dad,I am alive! I faked my own death! Now,leave us alone! Go suck on someone else's blood!" Vanessa screamed.

"Suck on someone else's blood? Leave you alone? Why,you little idoit! Still the same idiot your mother gave birth to!" He yelled.

Then,he actually screamed.It was like a cross between a banshee,a ghost and an insane doll combined.

Suddenly,rabid bats came flying in.They started to eat the skin off Lucifer and Vanessa.

Vanessa turned the bats to dust.They crumbled to the floor.

Lucifer was just a mere human who was named after the devil.He didn't have powers like Vanessa did.But..he did take fighting classes.

So,he used his fighting skills to fight anything that was thrown at him.He tackled and kicked.

"Ugh! Why are my children so good at combat? WHY? Why can't they just die? You were not the kids I wanted.I thought that she would birth TWO humans who followed my command! I didn't expect one to be a silly witch and the other a questionable human! Well,see your death!" Their Dad screamed.

Their eternally young father snatched Vanessa.

"Nooo!" He screamed.Lucifer had enough.

He choked Vanessa.

"What..I-"

But then he sucked her blood.Vanessa's face turned a deep green.Her eyes were getting awfully white..

Lucifer faced his father.

"Let.her.go." He said.

"Oh,but son, I could make you a vampire.We could rule the world together.You,me and your mother.We could destroy and rebuild everything.We could get to know each other.Join me and live forever!" He screamed.

"What about my sister? My wife? Friends? What will become of them?" Lucifer asked.

He turned to look at Vanessa.

"Oh,they'll all die.But,that's what you must choose." Then his father purred.Actually purred. Who would purr at their own son?

"Noooo!" He kicked and punched his father.

He dropped Vanessa.Just like that,he disappeared.

Vanessa bolted right up.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Of course I'm okay! Let's get out of here!" She yelled,panicked.Something bothered her when she saw her father after all of these years.

They found a black hole.

"Maybe it leads to the real world.Let's get in!" She said.

It did,in fact,lead to the real world.But there was a war.The vampire cult was attacking everything in their sight.Auriella was nowhere to be seen.

A tall,also disturbingly young woman with long,orange hair and purple eyes commanded the fleet of vampires.

She looked like..

"MOM?!" Lucifer yelled.Not another murderous parent.

Standing next to her was..

Dad! Lucifer thought.

Parents were never so scary.

The vampires ruined his cousin's wedding,destroying cakes,gifts and sometimes people.It was a bloody mess,like destruction and death.

Vanessa and Lucifer confronted their parents,looking them in their eyes.

"Why are you doing this? Getting a whole army of vampires? Killing everyone? WHY? If you had any heart,you wouldn't destroy everyone and nearly kill my sister.What are you trying to do? Scare people? Get rid of witches? What is your problem?" Lucifer asked.

His parents just looked at him.

Finally his mother opened her mouth.

"Because little boy,I love him.Your father was the only one who truly loved me and thought I had potential in life.My parents..didn't want me to practice what you call dark magic.But I did.He said he could make me more powerful than I imagined.So I got turned.Now,he doesn't like witches.He wants them to go down my path or die.Frankly,I agree.It is very foolish of them not to have more power.But let's talk about Vanessa.I birthed a witch.We didn't like that.So,we told her to die.She didn't. Long story short,we're here to take what is rightfully ours." His Mom smiled like some maniac.

"What do you mean,rightfully ours?" They asked worriedly.

"Your blood is our blood." They seethed.

His father lunged at him,claws sharpened and fangs barred.

"NOOOO!" Vanessa screamed.

She zapped her hands at him and turned him into a raven.

Mom glared at them.

"We'll be back.Just you wait."

The vampires turned to look at her.

"Come along! We have special plans for this little town." Their Mom said.

She,the raven,and the vampires fled the scene of destruction.

Family and friends came crawling out of the rubble.Most were rushed to the hospital.

But Auriella wasn't.She was a vampire.

When Lucifer found her,he cried happy tears.

"Auriella! You're okay!" He exclaimed.

She hugged him.

"Yes,I'm okay.But we must stop those vampires and your parents." She whispered.

"Yes,we will.Do not worry." He whispered back.

PART FOUR

Lucifer blinked.This was getting weirder and weirder.

His sister was a witch.

His Mom and Dad were vampires.

His wife was a vampire.

What was next,would he become the devil?

But he couldn't worry about that now.He had to stop his parents from killing him.

Lucifer,Vanessa and Auriella helped injured people and cleaned up the mess around them.

Lucifer apologized to his cousin for everything that happened,for his poor cousin's wedding was ruined by this.

Then,the trio went home to discuss plans on dealing with Lucifer and Vanessa's parents.

"I could fight them.I have equal strength." Auirella suggested.

"No,Auirella.You've done enough already." He said.

"I could zap them with my magic." Vanessa said.

"That could work...." Lucifer trailed off.

Suddenly,a raven flew through the window.It carried a letter with it.

Just as quickly as it came,the raven flew out.

Lucifer opened the letter.It read:

Dear Lucifer,

I have found a way to turn your father back into a vampire after your annoying sister so cruelly turned him into a raven.We are coming for you and we WILL take your blood.Why,you ask? Because your blood can help us become more powerful.Since you do not have magical blood,then it will make us powerful forces.Don't worry,little boy,I will make your death fast.

Best Wishes-Mom

Lucifer cringed.He didn't know what was worse.His Mom telling him about his death or the fact that she seemed cheerful about it.

"I have to get them myself." He said.

He walked down a dark hallway,searching for his parents.Nothing.Just a dark hallway.

"Mom? Dad? Where are you? I'M READY TO FIGHT YOU! COME OUT!" He screeched.Nothing.

Then,an echo.

Little boy,you have no strength.You are weak.

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" Lucifer protested.

Yes,we do.We are your parents.We know EVERYTHING about you.PREPARE TO DIE!

A flash of white light flew towards him and the vampire parents appeared.

The battle had begun.

Lucifer kicked and thrashed and strangled his parents,but nothing worked.They were too strong.

But he wasn't dying from their vampirism either.

"Uh...dear,I have a suggestion." Mom said to Dad.

"WHAT? This man won't die! What could possibly kill him?" He asked impatiently.

Mom gave a sly smile.Lucifer paled.

Oh no.What are they going to do? He thought worriedly.

"You know,children always get queasy when they see their parents loving each other.Maybe,we could do some lovin' here and he will be so grossed out he'll vomit to death."

Dad smiled.Oh dear.Lucifer was going to be sick.

The terror began.It was much worse than any bite or scar.

The love making was so gross that I would be a terrible person if I described it.

Lucifer puked.He almost puked all of his guts out.

But then he stopped.This is what they wanted.He couldn't let them win.

So with much difficulty,he held in his vomit.

Lucifer thought of a plan.He thought of something sickly.

Then,he took a deep breath....

His parents got nervous.

"Oh no.." Mom trailed off.

"What now?" Dad asked.

...and vomited all over them! Green,acid goo!

"Ew! Why,you disgusting little.." But Dad didn't dare finish that sentence.

The acid he vomited all over them was disintegrating them! They were melting!

"Help...we're melting..." They went,but no one was there to save them.They were doomed.

"Help.." They trailed off.

They were puddles of goo.

Lucifer blinked.He just saved the day! He had to tell Vanessa.

"VANESSA! VANESSA! THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU!"

"What is it,Lucy?" She asked.

"I killed our evil parents! I vomited acid on them." Lucifer said.

"What? Acid?" Vanessa asked.

"Yes,acid." Lucifer said.

"Lucifer,you're not human.You are a witch.But your powers came after you had a change of heart and when you really needed it most." Vanessa said.

He did have a change of heart after he met his sister and he needed his powers to defeat his parents.

But this was all too much..

"I need to lie down." He said.

"Be my guest." Vanessa gestured to the cushions on the ground.He gladly sank in.

"Wake up." A beautiful voice whispered.

Lucifer woke up.The voice came from..Auriella,his beautiful vampire wife.She was lying next to him.

Lucifer smiled.

"Did you know? I'm a witch." He said to her.

"Yes,I know.Vanessa told me.But,nothing can change you." She said.

"Yeah." He said.

As Lucifer got ready to make himself breakfast,he heard a soft drip drip from the ceiling.

He looked up.

Drip

Drip

Drip

Dripping from the ceiling was strange,black liquid.

A letter fell from the ceiling.He read it:

To Lucifer,

I know about your powers and I steal them.I will take everything from you.You will live in a meaningless void.

-From an old friend.

He paled.

"Oh no,what now?” He asked himself.

PART FIVE

Lucifer folded the letter in his pocket,a grim look on his face.

Auriella walked up to him.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"It's nothing." He said,but it didn't sound like it was nothing.

"Listen now,you are going to tell me what is going on.I am your wife,you can trust me." She said.

Lucifer gave in and showed her the creepy letter.

"Well then,let's go find this "old friend!" " She yelled.

But they didn't have to because the "old friend" was already waiting for them at the door.

"ANSWER THE DOOR,LUCY!" The voice shouted.

He didn't mind being called Lucy by his sister,Vanessa,but he did mind when the voice shouted it at him.

"NOW!" It said.

Then Auriella opened the door,her hand raised and when she opened it,she smacked the face of the voice.

"OW!" The old friend shouted.This person wore a long,velvet green cloak and had a loud,annoying voice.

"Who are you and why do you want my powers?" Lucifer asked.

"OH COME ON,DUDE! YOU'RE NAMED AFTER ME! I AM THE INFAMOUS,POWERFUL,FEARED BY ALL DEVIL! SOME CALL ME SATAN,OTHERS CALL ME LUCIFER! I WAS LINGERING NEXT TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE BAD,YOU JUST DIDN'T SEE ME! I WAS LIKE AN OLD FRIEND! BUT THEN VANESSA SCREWED THINGS UP AND MADE YOU GOOD! NOW I WANT YOUR POWERS! SO GIVE ME YOUR POWERS!" The Devil screamed.

What? You thought the devil would be big and scary? No,he's just an annoying pain in the butt.

"Just get out." They said impatiently.

"NO ONE TELLS ME TO GET OUT!" He yelled.

"Uh huh,just get out." They pointed to the door.

"NO! I WILL TURN YOU INTO A WOMAN,LUCY,LIKE WHAT VANESSA DID TO YOU! YOU CAN BE A WOMAN WITH YOUR POWERS FOREVER OR YOU CAN BE A POWERLESS MAN! YOUR CHOICE!" The Devil shouted.

"What?" he asked.But it was too late.The deal with the devil was already made.

With a wave of his claw,he began to change.

Oh no,not again.He thought,but it was happening.

His voice was getting higher,his body was starting to feel different.Then,the transformation was done.

Auriella gasped.

"So you're the one who saved me and our friends from those kidnappers.You saved us many years ago!" She squealed.

"Yup,that's me." He said in his pretty voice.

"BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! YOU HAVE UNTIL TOMORROW TO HAND ME YOUR POWERS! THEN,I STEAL THEM FROM YOU!" The devil shrieked.

Lucifer shook his head.

"THAT WASN'T THE DEAL! You said that I could be a woman with my powers or a man without my powers.I choose this over handing my powers to you,the devil.You can't make any changes.A deal is a deal." He said.

"YES,WELL I MADE THE DEAL! SO I CAN MAKE CHANGES!" He shouted.Then,he left.

"Auriella,we have to stop him." He said.He was looking at the woman gazing back at him in the mirror.He forgot how beautiful he looked as one.

"That's just what we will do.Come on,my love." she said.

And they got ready to fight the devil.

They were in hell.The walk was long and terrifying.

But they were together and that was all that mattered.

Auriella didn't care if Lucifer was a man or a woman or better yet,a dog.They loved each other and cared for each other and that was all that mattered.

But she hated that devil.He couldn't have Lucifer's powers.She had a feeling he would use them for bad and she couldn't let that happen.

When they finally reached the devil's lair,she turned to Lucifer.He opened his mouth and said:"We might not make it out alive.So.."

They kissed and it was the most beautiful and romantic kiss ever.

Then they went to fight the devil himself.

When they got to the palace,the devil was waiting for them.He was expecting them.

"OH,SO YOU'VE COME TO FIGHT ME?! LET'S SEE HOW TOUGH YOU WHEN WE DO THIS!" The devil screeched.

He jumped off his skeleton throne and threw fireballs at them.Auriella bared her fangs and bit him and Lucifer used his powers and barfed acid on the devil.

But he was strong and had kidnapped Auirella.

"MAKE A CHOICE! GIVE ME YOUR POWERS OR WATCH HER DIE!" He screamed.

He needed a plan and fast if he wanted to help the world and save Auirella at the same time.

If he gave him his powers,then the devil would use them to his advantage.He would use them for bad and not good.But Auriella didn't deserve to die.So,he decided to...

BARF ACID ON THE FLOOR!

The floor opened up and the devil looked surprised.He couldn't kill the devil,because without him,bad people wouldn't go to Hell.So,he was going to trap him in the ground a little while and over time,he would come out.

He fell in.But he didn't take Auirella with him.Just when he let go,Lucifer caught her in time.

"Let's get out of here." She said.

"Agreed." He responded.

When they got back to their house (on Earth) Lucifer looked at the mirror.He.was.so.freaking.beautiful.

"So I guess this is the new me." He said.

"Yeah,until a miracle happens and you get back to who you were before." Auirella answered calmly while gazing at her sparkly clothes.

She stopped gazing at them and instead said to Lucifer "Focus on the now,okay? We saved the day and the world! Isn't that something?"

"It isn't just something.It's amazing." He stated.

"Yes,we saved the day!" And Auirella brushed a lock of hair off the side of his face and kissed him.

"OoOoOoOoOoOhHhHhHhHhH!" He gasped.One thing that didn't change was how he felt for Auirella.He fainted with pure bliss.

"LUCIFER! LUCIFER,WAKE UP!" Auriella screamed.

He woke up.His pretty eyelashes had bath water sprinkled on them like raindrops of hope.He looked up at Auirella and saw that she was worried.

"You fainted after I kissed you and I just decided to put you in the bathtub.Are you alright? The way you said "OoOoohOhOHoHoh" made me worried.Are you sick? Did the devil get to you?" She asked worriedly.

"No,No. I was just happy.I said that because I was at a loss of words.It's the first time I have gotten a kiss from you when there wasn't some terrible thing lurking behind us or in front of us.It was just...us." He smiled.

He held his long,lovely,wet hair.It wasn't a curse,really.It was just one form of him.He had many personalities and many identities,because no one can be one person.

She stayed next to him in the bathroom.That was all he needed.

He was alone now.He wanted to be alone and look at everything.Like pay attention to his surroundings.

There was a crack on the wall.Better fix that.The scented candles melted.Get new ones.The light was dim.Time to get a new bulb.

So much to do around the house and not enough time.

"Huh,the water smells strange.Like metal." He said to himself.

He looked down.

Oh.My.Gosh., was his only thought.

The water wasn't water.

It was blood.

He jumped out of the shower,grabbed a towel and ran downstairs.

He found Auriella bent over someone.She appeared to have sucked their blood and the blood went through the pipe and caused the shower to have blood,not water.

"AUIRELLA!" He screamed.

She turned to look at him.Her eyes were black and hollow.There was no expression on her face.

From behind her,a familiar green cloaked figure grabbed her and took her away.

The devil.She was possessed by the devil.

The devil laughed at his despair.

"NO!" He screamed.

PART SIX

He couldn't believe it.The devil kidnapped his wife,Auirella! He was still in the woman body,too,but that's not important...

"I have to save her!" He yelled.

So he dug a hole and went to Hell.

He was searching....searching....searching...

Nothing,just a blazing inferno...

"She's got to be around here somewhere-AHHHHH!" He screamed.

He fell down a deep,dark hole...

There,he found her tied up,struggling against her bonds.

He walked up to untie her...

"NOT SO FAST!" A voice yelled.

He turned around.Oh No.

There standing before him,was the devil himself.

"So you want to save your precious wife?" He asked.

He nodded.

"Well,don't you want to get back to your original form?" The devil asked.

Lucifer shook his head.

"Saving her is more important." He replied.

"Well,you're not going to do anything of the sort." The devil sneered.It was strange,last time the devil had a loud voice,now it sounded normal.

The devil pushed him in a weird,endless,black pool...

When Lucifer woke up,he was in his body! The woman body disappeared!

The devil laughed at him.He held the struggling Auirella.He was going to kill her..

"NO!" He screamed.

"No? Why no?" He asked.

"Because I'm about to do this-" Lucifer could feel the acid in his throat-

AND BARFED ALL OVER HIM!

"Noooo!!!! No!!!!" The devil screamed.He dropped Auriella.

He sank down....

....down....

...all the way...

down....

...into...

The ground...

The devil was no more.

Auirella breathed hard.The devil was gone?

What?

"Now what?" She asked him.

"We go home." He said.

But then the ground started shaking and moving....

They thought they would be summoned to another place,but to their surprise,they were home!

"We are home! Let's just hope nothing crazy happens to us!" Auriella said.

Lucifer shook his head.Something crazy would always happen to them.It was just fate.

As Lucifer was home and he was watching TV,he heard a deep voice growl...

"Do you want to know why your name is Lucifer?" It asked.

"Eh,I don't care." He said.

"Well, I do!" It screeched.

"Do I know you?" He asked cockily.

The voice didn't pay attention to that.Instead,it screamed!

Lucifer could feel his eyes getting heavy....face falling into the couch...

He was falling asleep.......



PART SEVEN

"I can tell you why your name is Lucifer." The voice said.

Lucifer weighed his options.It looked like he didn't have a choice.

"I guess I'll come with you...but what about Auriella? What will she do when she finds me gone?" He asked.

"Oh, it's fine.Your wife will be fine." The voice said.

Without another second wasted,something grabbed Lucifer and he was teleported...

To the past! He was in a hospital and a woman was giving birth to a child.It was his Mom.Giving birth to him.

Looking at her like that,he had forgotten that she was evil and that he had to kill her.

"Turn around." The voice said.

He turned around.

Standing before him was a dark haired pale young man with blue eyes.

"This is me in my physical form.I'm your Dad.YOUR REAL DAD!" He said.

"No...my real Dad is dead..." Lucifer trailed off.

"There are some things I need to explain." He said.

"Your mother lied about who was your real father.She was in love with me at the time and we had you.But she broke up with me and fell in love with another man.Then,she didn't want to admit that you were my child and she lied to you." The man said.

"Do you expect me to believe that? Also,how does this have anything to do with my name being Lucifer?" Lucifer asked.

"Well,I'm actually the devil's son,so that makes me a demon. I wanted to name you after my father." He said.

Lucifer ran as fast as he could from that weird guy.This was too much for him...

He ran all the way to a garden,which was covered by leaves and dead branches. It looked less like a garden and more like...

"Like a garden that wasn't taken care of." Lucifer said.

He tripped over something hard.

Lucifer looked down.

It was a grave.

His grave.

"But this is supposed to be the past." He said.

The grave said:

HERE LIES LUCIFER JOHN HIGGINS.

BORN 1990 SEPTEMBER FIRST

DIED 2018 FRIDAY THIRTEENTH.

"He shall now return to the Hell he came from."-Unknown.

"What the heck?" Lucifer asked,scared.His grave was scary-looking.

His father stood behind him.

"We're in the future now.That's why we see your grave.You see, you actually came from Hell,since I'm your real father and the devil's son.That's why it took so long for you to become good." He said.

"You mean to tell me that vampire jerk wasn't my father? That I was bad because I came from Hell? That you named me after your father?" Lucifer asked.

The black-haired man nodded.

"So I was lied to!" Lucifer screamed.

He nodded again.

"Well,can you please take me home now? I want to see my wife." He said.

The man snapped his fingers...

Nothing.

"I said TAKE ME HOME!" He screamed.

"I can't.It's not working." The man sighed.

"What do you mean?!" Lucifer screamed.

"We've been here too long.The hole that connects to the present closed.We're stuck here." The man sighed.

"NOOOOOO!” Lucifer screamed.

"This can't be possible!" Lucifer yelled.

"But it happened." The man-his Dad said.

"We could try breaking it with our powers!" Lucifer screamed.

"Yes,we could do that." His Dad said.

So they used their powers to try and break the barrier,but there was nothing.

"My acid vomit isn't working!" Lucifer yelled.

"Neither is my teleporting." His Dad added bitterly.

They were at a loss on what to do.

Until...

"AHEEEEEEE!” They heard screaming from above.

Then,a certain young purple haired-crazy witch came falling out of the sky.

"Oh,looks like you and some other guy are stuck.I guess I should get you out of here." Vanessa,his sister,said.

"This man is my real father." Lucifer informed.The man nodded.

Vanessa blinked.

"I'm sorry,what? That's a lie.Our father is dead and he was a horrible man.How.." Vanessa asked,confused.

"We'll explain later,just help us out." They pleaded.

"Okay,calm down!" Vanessa laughed.She used her amazing witch powers and blasted them the heck out of there.

His REAL Dad and Lucifer explained the current events that happened.

Vanessa was still shocked.

"What? I..." She trailed off.

"It's a lot to take in,I know,but at least we know the truth." Lucifer said.

They were in his house now.

Auriella came running down stairs,holding a rifle,shouting “WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!"

"I'm right here,honey!" Lucifer yelled.

Auriella turned around fast.

"Where were you?! I was worried!" She yelled.

"You told me she wouldn't be worried." Lucifer said,glaring at his Dad.He shrugged.

"What's going on?" She asked.

He told her everything.

She nodded.

"Next time,take me with you!" She yelled.

The ground shook.

"Oh no...what now?" They all said in unison.

A blinding light flashed above them...

PART EIGHT

Lucifer and the others fell down..

..Down..

..All the way down..

..To another place..

They were in a parallel universe,Lucifer spotted a rag doll in front of him.

The doll had red yarn hair, a moldy green yarn body,one black button eye, a creepy smile and a dirty yellowing dress.

"What kind of doll is this?!" Lucifer asked.

Suddenly,that very doll began to walk...

"Oh hi! My name is Lorona. I summoned you here! Why,you ask? Because it's revenge!" She yelled.

"Revenge? For what? This is the first time we’re meeting you!" Lucifer yelled.

Vanessa glared at her.Auirella and his Dad didn't seem to care.

"Remember that grave you saw? The one that belonged to you? I made that grave!" Lorona yelled.

"But why?" Lucifer asked.

"Why not?" Lorona asked teasingly.

"I watch over everybody, I've watched over you ever since you were born,I just felt like bringing you to this universe. I just feel like messing with you." Lorona laughed.

Vanessa chased Lorona all around the weird universe,but she couldn't catch up to her.Soon,she stopped chasing her.

"Look,light! Maybe that can lead us back to our world!" Lucifer yelled.

They ran towards the light,but the light disappeared.

"Nobody escapes me!" Lorona declared.

Lorona already trapped Lucifer,Vanessa,Auriella and his Dad inside of a pit.

This pit was filled with poisonous snakes....the snakes were grabbing at them,consuming them!

"GO AWAY!" They yelled and just like that,the snakes disappeared.

But they still had to face that doll,Lorona.

She was already waiting for them.

"NO FAIR! You defeated my snakes! I'm coming home with you! To your world!" She yelled.

"No,you're not!" Lucifer yelled and with that,he kicked Lorona.

The four of them were still trapped in that paranormal world, but they could get out.

"I have a plan!" Vanessa said.

"What's your plan?" Lucifer asked.

"Simple.Just close your eyes and open them when I tell you to." Vanessa said.

"Really?" Lucifer asked.

"Yes,you dummy." She said,

With that,the four of them closed their eyes..

"Okay,now open them!" Vanessa yelled.

"Hey,we're back home!" Lucifer yelled.

"Of course we are! You should trust me!"

Vanessa and his Dad left his house and soon,it was just him and Auirella.

Lucifer went to the bathroom to wash his face,but then he started hearing a voice..

"You didn't think you could just leave me behind,now could you?"

He turned around..

IT WAS LORONA!

Before he could do anything,she pounced on him...

PART NINE

The doll Lorona was actually biting him..

"Hey,stop!" Lucifer yelled,but she bit his neck harder.

Soon,his wife heard what was going on and rushed over to check on him,she screamed when she saw the rag doll attacking him.

Auriella tried to save him, but the doll already put him on another planet.

Lucifer woke up in a strange world.Everything was purple and looked like it was lit by LED lights.

It didn't even look like a real world.

"Am I in an amusement park?" Lucifer asked himself,because that's what it looked like.

The doll Lorona nodded.

"You're in the fantasy-child world.This world doesn't have an official form.It looks different to different people.So for you,it appeared as an amusement park." She said.

"Alright,let's cut to the chase.Who are you,what do you want with me and why am I here?" He asked.

Lorona sighed.

"I guess you DO deserve an explanation.Remember when I told you that I was your guardian angel?" She asked.

"Yeah." He said.

"Well,guardian angels aren't supposed to be noticed by the people they are watching over,but I wanted to be noticed,you know?" She asked.

He nodded.

"So I got upset later on that I wasn't noticed by you." Lorona sighed.

"So you kidnapped me because of it?" Lucifer asked.

"Lorona,be honest,does kidnapping someone sound like a good idea?" Lucifer asked.

She thought for a moment.

"No,but I wanted to be noticed for what I do for you! I'm the one who set you up to meet Auriella.If it weren't for me,you two wouldn't have been married! I'm the one who had you meet Vanessa,your long lost sister! I've been working behind the scenes this whole time,making sure you got the best of things!" Lorona said.

It made sense.But he was still shocked to learn that he had a guardian angel.

"I see your point,but don't you think it would be a good idea to let me go?" He asked.

She thought about it.

"I guess.But promise that you'll notice me." She said.

"I can't promise that,but know that every smile that's on my face comes from you and let that calm you down." He said.

She smiled.

They hugged for a while,but then they heard:

"AIYEEEE!”

It was Lucifer's wife,Auriella.She had come to save him..

..and hurt Lorona.

"Auriella,wait!" Lucifer called out.

"Lorona isn't ba-" He didn't get to finish his sentence because Auriella already dragged Lorona to a dark pit...

PART TEN

Lucifer followed his wife Auriella to Earth,where she had his guardian angel,Lorona,tied up in a chair at their house.

"WAIT!" Lucifer yelled.

"What?! She kidnapped you!" Auirella screamed, vocal cords almost exploding.

"But Lorona isn't what she seems!" He screamed back.

"Really?" Auriella asked.

"What?! She kidnapped you!" Auirella screamed yet again, as if he didn't hear her the first time.

"But Lorona isn't what she seems." He repeated,quietly.

"Really?" Auriella asked.

"She's a guardian angel,my guardian angel.Guardian angels come in different forms.In my case,she came as a doll." Lucifer said.

"Is this true?" Auirella asked.

Lorona nodded.

Auriella thought for a moment.

"I'm telling you the truth." Lucifer said.

"Okay,I'll let her go." Auirella said.

And Auriella let her go,Lorona was safe.

They watched as Lorona left and went to her world.

"This was interesting,right?" Lucifer asked his wife.

"Yes,it was." Auriella said.

They hugged.

"So what do you want to do?" Lucifer asked her.

"I don't know,maybe I'll watch a movie." Auirella said.

"What movie?" Lucifer asked.

"I don't know." Auriella said.

So they just watched a random movie and they were happy.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
672 Reviews

Points: 81482
Reviews: 672

Donate
Tue Sep 21, 2021 9:57 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

So. Not to repeat what others have said, but I definitely think this might be better if you split it up into several sections. It makes it easier for the reviewer, and that way you can get even more specific feedback! I know it can be tempting to conserve points, but in the long run, splitting long works up benefits both the creator and the reviewer! Now, with that said, onto the review!

Despite its length, I actually found the story entertaining! I think that it was a quicker read than I was expecting, and that contributed to the overall likeability of it. I do think I found it more of a humor piece than an action-packed adventure, so if you wanted it to be more of an action-adventure piece, feel free to PM me for tips on how to do it! I'm also sure that YWS has some great writing resources about genre writing too. I enjoyed the recurring solution of having Lucifer barf acid on the ground; I thought it added a lot of humor to the piece. The way your characters spoke was also quite entertaining, and the snowball of predicaments that kept happening to them was really funny to me as well. Those "here we go again" moments are always great.

One recurring issue I noticed was the lack of spaces around commas. I'm not sure if that was a formatting or software issue, but if you didn't know, it is generally acceptable to put spaces around commas. I'd also suggest doing some more proofreading/running it through a grammar application like Grammarly just to get all of those smaller mistakes throughout sorted out. I'm not going to outline them all here, because I'm not sure I can even remember all of them, but yeah. Like I said. Grammar applications are a lifesaver.

One thing I do think you could work on is perhaps the overall flow and organization. The way you have your writing now... for lack of a better word, it's a tad juvenile. Your story was all over the place, and the structure and tone of it didn't feel very professional. I know there's only so much you can do without completely uprooting your writing style, but my advice is to just learn and practice. I know that my best writing from a few years ago can't compare to what I write now. By studying other people's work, you can also find ways to incorporate things they do into your work. Keep working on it, and I promise you'll notice some change. I do think that for this story specifically, you should make a firm plot beforehand, one that logically makes sense, and then execute it. The way it is now makes the storyline a bit hard to follow. For example, all the exposition at the beginning could be woven through the story. The reader doesn't need to know all that information up front; they can learn it as the main characters do.

Overall: nice work!! Despite the length, I think you've got a really promising story here! I enjoyed reading it, and I hope to read more of your work soon! Until next time!!




User avatar
219 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 219

Donate
Mon Sep 13, 2021 11:50 pm
dissonance wrote a review...



Hello there!

So first of all, I agree with Andrew about splitting this up. The idea is intriguing I think, but when people see how big it looks, they'll probably step down. Most people who look for longer works to read are hard to come across, so keeping it that way can make it harder for you to get quality reviews and out of the Green Room quickly. The word count of a chapter depends on the person, so I'd suggest messing around with that.

Now, into the comments I have to make -

1. The grammar makes this hard to read. I get that it's difficult to understand the ins and outs of grammar most times, but usually, when everything starts blurring together, it can get hard to read. I say this about the many usages of ellipses [...] when in incorrect times, which is basically all the time because they are confusing, and then the usage of all caps, which again, is most times unless it's a stylistic choice on your part.

Words aren't really spelled incorrectly that I see from a quick glance over, but it's mainly the punctuation and the generally "nit-picky" things I see. Like with dialogue tags repeating often and most times incorrectly, which makes the text bland and again, hard to follow. It's better to not know which character is talking than to dart back and forth between the two in a conversation without filler text is something I've learned a long time in a literature class I sat in on, and it's totally right in this situation right here.

The Mother fell in love with…a vampire.


I'm quite unsure of random capitalization in works because it confuses me? Not in a "oh that's wrong" way, just in a "I wonder why that word is in caps, is it important" way. I think that leads into religion and how some important figures are capitalized because they are respected and such. That with the name of the main character would go together quite well if you were to want to wrap it up like that because it's interesting.

2. Speaking of the mother sentence, it goes into my next comment about how some things feel disconnected from other things that happened later on or before. Who is the mother figure here? Can there be more about the vampire because they seem to be a quite important figure if I'm getting the right vibes? I have so many questions about these characters and their importance, and I don't really notice a definite answer given anywhere in the text unless I'm reading into this totally wrong.

Is Lucifer the child of whoever mother is? Is the mother completely irrelevant and related to some other character? Did I skim past the answer because it's hard to follow along with the text as I mentioned before? I can't tell. If he is the child of that mother figure, then the title is confusing because it mentions he's human. I'm not familiar with the worldbuilding here because I don't see any, so I'm not sure what would come out of a vampire and a human and whether it could create some nasty creature or something.

Those are my main comments I have for you. Happy RevMo!
-- chi




vampricone6783 says...


The Mother is Moira and the vampire is Mark.Lucifer is a human,but he has gross powers.He can vomit acid.Moira is a witch.Mark is a vampire,but he wasn%u2019t always one.Thanks for the review.



User avatar
178 Reviews

Points: 34
Reviews: 178

Donate
Tue Sep 07, 2021 6:44 pm
MaybeAndrew says...



Hey, Andrew here! I'd love to review your piece, as I bet many others would, but I would advise splitting it into smaller chunks, on YWS, most people don't go above 2,000 words per work, or around five pages. You can just post each one as a chapter, and I'm sure you'll get tons of love from the greater reviewer community!





Sometimes even shooting stars find wishes that miss their marks.
— TryHardNinja