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The clown and the little girl (SHORT STORY)

by vampricone6783


Once upon a time,in a time unknown,there was a little girl.She was no more than five years old.

The little girl was a very happy and curious child.

But,she had a fear of clowns.She just couldn’t trust them,with their painted faces and funny costumes.It seemed…wrong.

One Day,her family had to move away.

When they reached their house,the little girl was distraught.Why did they have to move from their home? It wasn’t fair!

She ran to her new room,crying.

Then,she heard it.A soft pitter patter behind her closet.

The little girl wiped her tears and opened the door..

…She was too frightened to scream.

Standing before was…was…was….

…a clown!

“W-what?” She asked,backing away from her door.

“It’s okay.I won’t hurt you.” He said.

“H-h-how d-d-did y-y-o-o-u g-g-get h-h-e-r-r-e?” She stuttered,about to run for her life.

“I’m dead,little one.I’m a ghost.This was my house.” He said sadly.

“Prove it!” She shrieked,pointing a finger at him.

“Prove it?” He asked.The clown seemed to be amused.

“Yes.What if you’re some weird guy who is hiding in my room and you’re not a ghost?” She asked.

“Fair point.” He said.

The clown placed his hand on the closet door wall.It went right through the wall.

Just to be sure,the little girl tried to touch his arm,but she only got air.

“Okay,maybe you are a ghost.But why are you a scary clown?” She asked.

“Scary.That must be what you kids think of me now.” He said.

“I wasn’t always scary.I was…funny.Yeah,that’s what I was.Funny.I…was performing as a clown in my life..I had a daughter.She was like you,little one.” He said.

Now,the little girl wasn’t so scared anymore.She was interested.

“Want me to continue?” He asked.

She nodded.

“I had a little girl once.But…” He couldn’t seem to finish his sentence.

“But what?” The child asked.

“She..she was very sick.” The clown told her.

“Sick? I’ve gotten sick before,but my parents were always there to help me.I’m sure it was no big deal.” She said.

“No,not sick as in a small cold or a headache that only lasts a day,sick as in…deathly.The sickness was so bad,it could kill someone.” He said sadly.

“But she lived,right?” The girl asked.

The clown said nothing.

“Right?” She asked.

“My child,I wish I could say yes.She’s in Heaven now.” He said.

The little girl almost cried from hearing that sad story,but then she asked:

“What happened to you?”

“Hm..I..died in my carnival while performing.No one seemed to care after I died.It’s fine.I live here now.” The clown finished his story.

She wished she could hug him right now.She didn’t like it when people were sad! She wanted to help…

“Don’t be sad.It’s okay.” She said.

He smiled.

“Thanks,kiddo.I hope you remember that when you’re sad,you can always talk to me.I’ll come right when you’re feeling down.” He said.

“Same thing goes for you.We friends have to stick together,you know.” She said.

He disappeared into thin air.

The little girl knew it in her heart,she didn’t know how,but she knew in her heart that he was in a better place now.Maybe he was with his daughter..

From that day on,she wasn’t scared of clowns anymore.Maybe,they just needed some love…

Characters I made in Gacha Club:

The little girl:



The sick little girl in the story:

(She is gaunt.That’s why her face is like that.She’s gaunt from her sickness.)

Angel little girl:

(She always tried to stay positive despite circumstances.)

Her Dad,the clown in the story:

him dressed as a clown:

Him as an angel in Heaven:

(The flower wreath is a halo.He wanted the same one as his daughter)

Now,for sad facts.

1.His daughter wouldn’t recognize him without his makeup.

2.He has a secret form.A demon form.How did he get his form? Well,you can either become a demon from anger or sadness.Even after he was reunited with his daughter,he still felt grief for her death and he got a demon form from it.He doesn’t think it’s fair that his positive and optimistic daughter had to get a terrible illness.

He hides his demon form from her because he doesn’t want to scare her,but when she isn’t around,he goes into a dark void known as his own grief,in his true form.This is what happens:


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Thu Sep 16, 2021 7:06 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: AHh, I didn't quite know what to expect based on the title, and I was almost worried about this touching the horror side of things with how it began, but I can honestly say, this was one of the most satisfying stories I've read. That conversation there, especially towards the end is very wholesome and just leaves you with a smile.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,in a time unknown today,there was a little girl.She was no more than five years old.

The little girl was a very happy and curious child.

But,she had a deathly fear of clowns.She just couldn’t trust them,with their painted faces and funny costumes.It seemed…wrong.

One Day,her family had to move away.


Okay...well, this is starting off with a very fairy tale type vibe to things here...and I'm loving where that appears to be taking this here piece. It seems like its sort of setting up this very simple situation with a girl that's afraid of this one thing. Then we move to the second part of things by announcing the girl has to move.

When they reached their house,the little girl was distraught.Why did they have to move from their home? It wasn’t fair!

She ran to her new room,crying.

Then,she heard it.A soft pitter patter behind her closet.

The little girl wiped her tears and opened the door..

…She was too frightened to scream.

Standing before was…was…was….

…a clown!


Oooh, this was a very neatly done piece here...the one line paragraphs are a teensy bit jarring to read through, but I think surprisingly enough, they work quite well in this kind of scenario...there's just this lovely build up of tension that has a very cartoony feel in its pacing and then we have a grand and scary reveal.

“W-what?” She asked,backing away from her door.

“It’s okay.I won’t hurt you.” He said.

“H-h-how d-d-did y-y-o-o-u g-g-get h-h-e-r-r-e?” She stuttered,about to run for her life.

“I’m dead,little one.I’m a ghost.This was my house.” He said sadly.

“Prove it!” She shrieked,pointing a finger at him.

“Prove it?” He asked.The clown seemed to be amused.


Okay....this is a very interesting interaction there, one on hand, this is a very friendly sounding ghost that seems genuinely worried about having potentially scared the girl, and the girl there seems more shocked than truly afraid...and then makes a demand there...it seems actually kind of in character for a five year old that might not quite be fully afraid of the idea of a ghost like an older child...but it still very startled by this sudden appearance of someone unfamiliar.

“Yes.What if you’re some weird guy who is hiding in my room and you’re not a ghost?” She asked.

“Fair point.” He said.

The clown placed his hand on the closet door wall.It went right through the wall.

Just to be sure,the little girl tried to touch his arm,but she only got air.

“Okay,maybe you are a ghost.But why are you a scary clown?” She asked.


Hmm, this little girl's curiosity at the moment is strangely wholesome to see here as a reader and I am really loving it so far. And you can see her fear of clowns slowly coming into play there...although she doesn't quite seem as terrified as someone with a phobia would be which is implied by the mention of a "deathly fear" at the start..so a little bit of inconsistency there that you may want to look into.

“Scary.That must be what you kids think of me now.” He said.

“I wasn’t always scary.I was…funny.Yeah,that’s what I was.Funny.I…was performing as a clown in my life..I had a daughter.She was like you,little one.” He said.

Now,the little girl wasn’t so scared anymore.She was interested.

“Want me to continue?” He asked.

She nodded.


Hmm...you almost don't need to state specifically that the girl was interested in that scenario. As readers its very easy for us to see that the girl is transitioning from fear to curiosity...and this feels like a bit too much almost.

“I had a little girl once.But…” He couldn’t seem to finish his sentence.

“But what?” The child asked.

“She..she was very sick.” The clown told her.

“Sick? I’ve gotten sick before,but my parents were always there to help me.I’m sure it was no big deal.” She said.


Well you can see the fact that this is five year old quite nicely in these little things like this...and that's good to see.

“No,not sick as in a small cold or a headache that only lasts a day,sick as in…deathly.The sickness was so bad,it could kill someone.” He said sadly.

“But she lived,right?” The girl asked.

The clown said nothing.

“Right?” She asked.

“My child,I wish I could say yes.She’s in Heaven now.” He said.


Oh dear...here come the onions, haven't had to chop some of those for a story on YWS for a while, but you can really see some of the emotion come through here for this father figure here...and him having to gently explain all of this to a five year old is the cherry on top in opening those floodgates.

“Hm..I..died in my carnival while performing.No one seemed to care after I died.It’s fine.I live here now.” The clown finished his story.

She wished she could hug him right now.She didn’t like it when people were sad! She wanted to help…

“Don’t be sad.It’s okay.” She said.

He smiled.


Ahhhh...this turned into something so much more wholesome than what it seemed to be headed towards. This has been a lovely little conversation so far.

“Thanks,kiddo.I hope you remember that when you’re sad,you can always talk to me.I’ll come right when you’re feeling down.” He said.

“Same thing goes for you.We friends have to stick together,you know.” She said.

He disappeared into thin air.

The little girl knew it in her heart,she didn’t know how,but she knew in her heart that he was in a better place now.Maybe he was with his daughter..

From that day on,she wasn’t scared of clowns anymore.Maybe,they just needed some love…


Well isn't that an awesome ending...ahh, I can't stop smiling by this point, this ending is such a sweet one...oh wow...well, this was a very satisfying story to read.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty nicely done story...there's a couple of parts in here where they are a few issues that I pointed out above, but for the most part I really love this mostly for the plot cause that is truly awesome. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:56 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a review!!

This story was quite an interesting one. I liked the storyline of the story. Something which you have got to work on is your descriptions and setting. You need your readers to visualize to visualize the characters. As for the clown, we can imagine to an extent because you know about the traits of a clown. However, that can actually cause distortion in the perfect image you wanted to create. And as of the other character, that is, that girl, I think you have to provide little bit of details there. It can help to flesh out the setting.

One Day,her family had to move away.

When they reached their house,the little girl was distraught.Why did they have to move from their home? It wasn’t fair!

She ran to her new room,crying.

It's better to specify to a new house after had to mive away. In the third line, I just wonder how she instantaneously know about her new room? The parents had probably shown her but I don't think they got the scope to show it to her and I don't expect a little girl to know her room like that. It's better to write inside and then into a room rather than her room. Also, when they enter the house, you have a chance to describe the house.

Now for everything you wrote in between the pics, I think you should try to incorporate in the story. The story matters the most. The detaild u gave there wete pretty much interesting so add them to the story. You can just add them in the dialgue of the ghost.

The story itself is pretty great. It makes me wonder about people and their fate. The life of the clown was very sad. He was a clown who made people laugh but he couldn't laugh himself. That's really ironical. As of the girl, I haven't heard people being afraif of jokers, si that was pretty unique. Also, she changed drastically from the beginning of the story to the end. 180°turn. In the beginning, the only thing she disliked in the beginning was clowns and in the end, she started to like the clowns. So, at the end, she seems to be quite happy. I liked it.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:32 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey vampricone6783!

I love how you put these images at the end of all of your work - I find it makes it really engaging to look at how you've designed the characters :) And the little extra facts are really cool - I think if you wanted to expand this story you've got plenty of scope for giving your characters more background using those facts!

Anyway, enough gushing about adorable pictures, on to the review xD

Once upon a time,in a time unknown today,there was a little girl.

What do you mean by 'time unknown today'? I think you could remove today and it would make it a bit clearer. I like that you've started with once upon a time though, it gives me the impression that you're going to subvert the expectations of a fairy tale style story!

One Day,her family had to move away.

This was a bit jarring from the previous sentence, maybe you could expand on her fear of clowns so it doesn't feel like it's in the story just for the sake of setting up later events. I know that's the purpose but it could be made to feel a bit more natural.

Then,she heard it.A soft pitter patter behind her closet.


Again, this seems a bit sudden. Perhaps you could explore the girl's emotions more. Even giving her a name would allow the reader to connect with her more and as such feel more scared when the next things happen.

…A CLOWN!

I think I've mentioned this in a review I've done for you before, but I don't think capital letters work well in prose unless there's a very specific reason. In this case, I find the capitals make it feel more comical than scary. I also think it might be more scary if you describe the clown before telling us what it is. Really build up that tension!

Prove it!” She shrieked,pointing a finger at him.

This seems an odd question. Wouldn't a five year old just run away?

“Yes.What if you’re some weird guy who is hiding in my room and you’re not a ghost?” She asked.

“Fair point.” He said.

I like the humour, but now I'm a bit confused as to the tone of the story - is it meant to be scary or funny? xD

I think the whole story arc is over quite quickly and could do with some expansion. The clown's tale is sad, but more description in there would really help paint the scene and make it feel more meaningful. It's a good start, but I think you could do a lot more to this if you wanted to :)

~Icy




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Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:30 pm
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Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello Vampricone,
Let’s get into this review shall we?

Roses

This is a very cute story. It’s simplicity gives it the feel of a children's story. Especially with, one, the choice of words and two, the plot. Also the dialogue was very natural and flowed easily. I liked it very much, this line here warmed my heart.
She wished she could hug him right now.She didn’t like it when people were sad!

I think you did a very good job!

Buds

I found a few things that you could improve on in this story.

  1. You need to put a space after each comma, question mark etc. It will make the story easier to read.
    She ran to her new room,crying.

    Instead it should be: She ran to her room, crying.
  2. In the story there was a lot of dialogue and not enough backstory. There needs to be a certain balance between the two. To do this you can make a list of questions that you think the reader might have while reading the story. This could include: Why did her family have to move? What did their new house look like? How did the clown/ghost end up in the house? What is the little girl’s name? Etc. etc. etc. So yeah, while writing your story try to include more imagery and back story.
  3. It would be really cool to see the clown/ghost's demon form in the story! That could play an interesting role in the story. Don't be afraid to play around and include different ideas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Overall I really liked the story! It was very sweet. I hope this short review was helpful and if you have any questions feel free to ask! With that, have a great rest of your day and keep on writing.

Stellarjay





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe