Young Writers Society

My favorite part was when she told the clown to not be sad.
At first when reading this I was thinking that maybe the clown would hurt the girl and was only being amused because he was gaining her trust so it was surprising to see him being so friendly to her and eventually befriend her.
I think it's also really sweet that this girl who likely has no friends near her now if she moved to a new town also has a friend she can talk too when she comes home from a bad day at school.
I also like how the girl didn't think the sickness could have been all that bad becuase she had once had a simple cold. Such a classic thing in little kids. It also helps make her seem as if she thinks she's more tough now even overcoming her fear of clowns.
My only critism comment I have is maybe writing if he remained in the closet the whole time or actually moved around the room like maybe sat on the girl's bed or moved across the room where the girl had maybe slept before she died.
Other than that I think your story is really good and I really enjoyed reading it! Thank you for sharing this story of your characters!

This is a very heart-warming story. A little girl overcame her fear of clowns because she realized that not all of them were scary. She met a kind one who had a little girl like her who died tragically young. In the end, the girl will learn that not everything is as scary as they seem. She'll be more willing to try new things and go to new places because of this experience. Maybe, one day, the clown will no longer be stuck in his grief. Maybe one day he will be truly happy.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: AHh, I didn't quite know what to expect based on the title, and I was almost worried about this touching the horror side of things with how it began, but I can honestly say, this was one of the most satisfying stories I've read. That conversation there, especially towards the end is very wholesome and just leaves you with a smile.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,in a time unknown today,there was a little girl.She was no more than five years old.

The little girl was a very happy and curious child.

But,she had a deathly fear of clowns.She just couldn’t trust them,with their painted faces and funny costumes.It seemed…wrong.

One Day,her family had to move away.

When they reached their house,the little girl was distraught.Why did they have to move from their home? It wasn’t fair!

She ran to her new room,crying.

Then,she heard it.A soft pitter patter behind her closet.

The little girl wiped her tears and opened the door..

…She was too frightened to scream.

Standing before was…was…was….

…a clown!

“W-what?” She asked,backing away from her door.

“It’s okay.I won’t hurt you.” He said.

“H-h-how d-d-did y-y-o-o-u g-g-get h-h-e-r-r-e?” She stuttered,about to run for her life.

“I’m dead,little one.I’m a ghost.This was my house.” He said sadly.

“Prove it!” She shrieked,pointing a finger at him.

“Prove it?” He asked.The clown seemed to be amused.

“Yes.What if you’re some weird guy who is hiding in my room and you’re not a ghost?” She asked.

“Fair point.” He said.

The clown placed his hand on the closet door wall.It went right through the wall.

Just to be sure,the little girl tried to touch his arm,but she only got air.

“Okay,maybe you are a ghost.But why are you a scary clown?” She asked.

“Scary.That must be what you kids think of me now.” He said.

“I wasn’t always scary.I was…funny.Yeah,that’s what I was.Funny.I…was performing as a clown in my life..I had a daughter.She was like you,little one.” He said.

Now,the little girl wasn’t so scared anymore.She was interested.

“Want me to continue?” He asked.

She nodded.

“I had a little girl once.But…” He couldn’t seem to finish his sentence.

“But what?” The child asked.

“She..she was very sick.” The clown told her.

“Sick? I’ve gotten sick before,but my parents were always there to help me.I’m sure it was no big deal.” She said.

“No,not sick as in a small cold or a headache that only lasts a day,sick as in…deathly.The sickness was so bad,it could kill someone.” He said sadly.

“But she lived,right?” The girl asked.

The clown said nothing.

“Right?” She asked.

“My child,I wish I could say yes.She’s in Heaven now.” He said.

“Hm..I..died in my carnival while performing.No one seemed to care after I died.It’s fine.I live here now.” The clown finished his story.

She wished she could hug him right now.She didn’t like it when people were sad! She wanted to help…

“Don’t be sad.It’s okay.” She said.

He smiled.

“Thanks,kiddo.I hope you remember that when you’re sad,you can always talk to me.I’ll come right when you’re feeling down.” He said.

“Same thing goes for you.We friends have to stick together,you know.” She said.

He disappeared into thin air.

The little girl knew it in her heart,she didn’t know how,but she knew in her heart that he was in a better place now.Maybe he was with his daughter..

From that day on,she wasn’t scared of clowns anymore.Maybe,they just needed some love…

Hey!! Forever here with a review!!

This story was quite an interesting one. I liked the storyline of the story. Something which you have got to work on is your descriptions and setting. You need your readers to visualize to visualize the characters. As for the clown, we can imagine to an extent because you know about the traits of a clown. However, that can actually cause distortion in the perfect image you wanted to create. And as of the other character, that is, that girl, I think you have to provide little bit of details there. It can help to flesh out the setting.

One Day,her family had to move away.

When they reached their house,the little girl was distraught.Why did they have to move from their home? It wasn’t fair!

She ran to her new room,crying.

Hey vampricone6783!

I love how you put these images at the end of all of your work - I find it makes it really engaging to look at how you've designed the characters And the little extra facts are really cool - I think if you wanted to expand this story you've got plenty of scope for giving your characters more background using those facts!

Anyway, enough gushing about adorable pictures, on to the review xD

Once upon a time,in a time unknown today,there was a little girl.

One Day,her family had to move away.

Then,she heard it.A soft pitter patter behind her closet.

…A CLOWN!

Prove it!” She shrieked,pointing a finger at him.

“Yes.What if you’re some weird guy who is hiding in my room and you’re not a ghost?” She asked.

“Fair point.” He said.

Hello Vampricone,
Let’s get into this review shall we?

She wished she could hug him right now.She didn’t like it when people were sad!

1. You need to put a space after each comma, question mark etc. It will make the story easier to read.
   

   She ran to her new room,crying.

   
   Instead it should be: She ran to her room, crying.
   
2. In the story there was a lot of dialogue and not enough backstory. There needs to be a certain balance between the two. To do this you can make a list of questions that you think the reader might have while reading the story. This could include: Why did her family have to move? What did their new house look like? How did the clown/ghost end up in the house? What is the little girl’s name? Etc. etc. etc. So yeah, while writing your story try to include more imagery and back story.
   
3. It would be really cool to see the clown/ghost's demon form in the story! That could play an interesting role in the story. Don't be afraid to play around and include different ideas.