Young Writers Society

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

If I'm not mistaken, this ties into the other story of yours I read, the one about Lucas? Regardless if it does or doesn't, I think it works nicely as a standalone piece as well.

One thing you nailed was the overall vibe; it's definitely very sing-songy and feels at home in a circus. I picture the backing track being something like a jaunty piano rag, with maybe some minor chords in there to add a bit of sinister-ness to it. I liked the repetition of some key phrases like "come" and "stay" since it definitely felt a bit like subliminal messaging; they want people to come to their circus and stay there, perhaps for some underlying reasons that they don't mention in the song.

I did think it was an interesting choice to repeat it three times, especially since it doesn't change each time. You could have easily just written "x3" at the bottom. I think it also might be interesting if you did try to give it verses and change up some of the lines a bit around each chorus/refrain. I also think that you could amplify the singsong nature of it by making it rhyme even more and giving it a nice rhythm. Right now, I can't exactly picture it being sung.

I agree with the other comment in that it would be super cool to hear what you had in mind for a tune; I know sometimes, I read songs and think they don't lend themselves to a tune well, and then I hear them and everything clicks. I'd be curious to hear what you envision the song sounding like.

Overall: nice work! I think you've got a good base here, and I hope you do revisit it to maximize its potential. If you have any questions or any specific areas you want feedback on, feel free to ask! Until next time!

Hello Sunflower here for a quick review!

So I loved this, no surprise there when it's so good! I don't know why maybe it's just because of the music I was listening to while reading this but I can't help but think of it as some kind of erie chance that hypnotizes people into coming to their circus! Do you have a tune to recite this to if so I would love to know! I love the line in particular "Never ever leave, come and stay! you're going to have so much fun at the circus!" I think that's the one that caused me to detect and erie vibe. Either way this was an amazing peice and I'm sure I'll be checking out more of your work soon! Having said that I hope you have a fantastic day/night, bye!

Love Sunflower!