Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed this work has been in the green room for a while, so I thought I'd bump it out!
This was quite the eerie tale! It had almost Coraline vibes, what with the whole "Father" aspect. It reminded me of the Other Mother a bit. I think the concept of this is certainly interesting, and it almost bothers me that it's so short; I think it definitely has the potential to be expanded into something more.
One thing I liked was the character of the Father, even though we didn't see much of him. The way you characterized his dialogue was quite chilling, and the fact that he played more of a background role was also kind of spooky. The one thing that got me was that we didn't really get to see how the father was doing those things that Michael somehow knew he was behind. Like, you tell us through Michael's narration, but it's a little disappointing that nothing really comes out of it. I'd love it if you could perhaps elaborate on the father's effect on Michael, or even make it more visceral or tangible. It just felt like nothing really happened in your story.
One thing I did wonder about at the beginning was how Michael knew about Natalie and Anika—I assume they were the subject of part one of this story. It seemed strange that he would know about it, though, without you stating a reason. Was it a highly televised story (or highly talked about in the news?) Then it might make sense. But the fact that that's the only thing he knows about it without an explanation of why he knows that information strikes me as a little weird.
I also thought again, your chapters move quite quickly—I think while it gives the story a very spooky, vignette-feel, it feels rushed in some places. I'd be curious to see you expand some of these scenes more. I thought the ending as well felt a little anticlimactic rather than spooky; there was no clear resolution, to me. If you want to make it eerie, you need to make it seem like it has a resolution and then unresolve it right away.
Overall: nice work! I think the concept of the character of The Father is quite interesting, and I'd be interested to read more of your work featuring him, including perhaps a rehashed, longer version of this story. Until next time!
Points: 68440
Reviews: 608
Donate