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The Father:Part Two

by vampricone6783

*A new kid named Michael moves to the same town which holds the monster known as “The Father”. Will he able to survive like Anika and Natalie did? (Gacha Club character designs are on my wall of course).

Chapter One-Moving

Once upon a time,there was a young fourteen year old boy named Michael.Michael and his family had to move,because his Mom was offered a better job here,in this new town that he didn’t even care to know the name of.

All he knew was that it was a scary ghost town and a girl named Natalie almost died here.She would have died if she didn’t have the help of her friend, Anika. Natalie and Anika were twelve at the time.

He heard of their story from the kids in school, who read it from an article, which claimed that when Natalie’s Mom came home to their sleepover, they were “panicked and lost”. Although no one believed the girls and the people who wrote the article were laughed at, some believed the legend to be true.

Michael sighed as he looked out his the window at the trees lining the highway that went on forever and ever.

He didn’t have friends that risk their lives for him. They were all too busy with their business,not caring for others.

Maybe it’d change after he moved to the house.

Chapter Two-The house

Him and his family finally arrived at their new house.

When Michael first looked at it,all he got was a creepy vibe from it.

The house looked…alive.The windows were like demon eyes,the bricks looking like they were breathing and when the door opened,it was like a mouth opening.

Michael shook himself out of his trance.

It was just an old house.Nothing special.

Chapter Three-The Father

Michael walked inside of the house,ready to explore the place.

But,he had a little problem.When he opened the door,he fell down a dark,bottomless pit.Michael screamed,but no one noticed.

It was quite interesting for no one to notice that he had disappeared.Quite..

When he finally landed in some sort of jelly surface,he heard a deep voice growl:


“Who on earth are you?!” He asked.

“The Father,my child.” The voice said.

Chapter Four-There to help you

“What? Huh?” Michael asked,confused.

“I’m here to help you.” He said.

“How?! I don’t need help!” Michael insisted.

“You just moved here,didn’t you?” The Father asked.

He said nothing.

“I’ll bet you don’t have any friends.I can be your friend.” He said.

“Why would I want you to be my friend?” Michael asked,sizing him up.He was an ugly,pale,man-like creature with horns.

“Because you don’t have anyone else.” He said.

Michael thought about it.He really didn’t have anyone else.This was his only hope in having a friend.

“You can be my friend.” Michael said.

“Excellent.” The Father said,smiling a sharp toothed smile.

Chapter Five-A question

The Father transported Michael back home.No one had noticed He was gone.It was probably The Father’s doing.

If The Father could do that,what else could he do?

Michael was afraid of finding out.

Chapter Six-At his school

Days had passed.Michael was going to school now.Ever since he met The Father,he felt like parts of him were dying.

He didn’t know why.

Maybe he’d find out..

Chapter Seven-The haunting

When he was in class one day,the school lights turned off.There was a lockdown.

But Michael knew that it wasn’t a lockdown.He felt it,in his veins.

It was The Father’s doing.

Chapter Eight-Darkness

Then,all Michael felt and saw,was darkness…

Chapter Nine-A demon

A demonic silhouette snatched him away...

Chapter Ten-The last day of torture

It all ended so fast.Michael woke up in his bed,safe and sound.

That was the last day of torture, the lockdown during school.Michael didn’t even know if his experiences actually happened or if it was all just a dream.Maybe it was real.Maybe it wasn’t.

But for now,he was trying to live as best as he could.

Characters in Gacha Club:

The Father:

Is this a review?



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672 Reviews

Points: 81482
Reviews: 672

Thu Sep 22, 2022 2:10 am
Plume wrote a review...

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed this work has been in the green room for a while, so I thought I'd bump it out!

This was quite the eerie tale! It had almost Coraline vibes, what with the whole "Father" aspect. It reminded me of the Other Mother a bit. I think the concept of this is certainly interesting, and it almost bothers me that it's so short; I think it definitely has the potential to be expanded into something more.

One thing I liked was the character of the Father, even though we didn't see much of him. The way you characterized his dialogue was quite chilling, and the fact that he played more of a background role was also kind of spooky. The one thing that got me was that we didn't really get to see how the father was doing those things that Michael somehow knew he was behind. Like, you tell us through Michael's narration, but it's a little disappointing that nothing really comes out of it. I'd love it if you could perhaps elaborate on the father's effect on Michael, or even make it more visceral or tangible. It just felt like nothing really happened in your story.

One thing I did wonder about at the beginning was how Michael knew about Natalie and Anika—I assume they were the subject of part one of this story. It seemed strange that he would know about it, though, without you stating a reason. Was it a highly televised story (or highly talked about in the news?) Then it might make sense. But the fact that that's the only thing he knows about it without an explanation of why he knows that information strikes me as a little weird.

I also thought again, your chapters move quite quickly—I think while it gives the story a very spooky, vignette-feel, it feels rushed in some places. I'd be curious to see you expand some of these scenes more. I thought the ending as well felt a little anticlimactic rather than spooky; there was no clear resolution, to me. If you want to make it eerie, you need to make it seem like it has a resolution and then unresolve it right away.

Overall: nice work! I think the concept of the character of The Father is quite interesting, and I'd be interested to read more of your work featuring him, including perhaps a rehashed, longer version of this story. Until next time!

vampricone6783 says...

Their story was spread around like an urban legend. That%u2019s how he knew about Natalie and Anika.

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232 Reviews

Points: 1578
Reviews: 232

Sat Sep 03, 2022 7:02 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...

Hi Vampire! Jade here to give you another review on your work! This one will be short, I promise.

I love seeing the development in your stories. Watching your writing style grow, and your character descriptions become more vivid is so cool! It is a very cool thing to see.

The story itself is super exciting, kind of sad as well, but very interesting. I like seeing you play around with creepy situations and children encountering them.

Lastly, I did see you fall back into the short paragraphs, so please stay consistent with your tone and prose throughout the story.

That is all I have to comment on, this was a really fun read and the best work I've read of yours so far!

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook