Young Writers Society

Hey, vampricone!

I've got to say, I initially read this story before the state test, and ended up reviewing that one instead. XD So I've come back for the end of the story!

It makes a whole lot more sense after having read the bulk of the story, but there's still a couple of things that I ended up having questions about, so let's get to it.

Well, they were monstrous to the world. All they wanted was to breathe the fresh air, air that wasn’t corroded with dirt.

Would be cool to see an extra little line here that says something like, "To Dante and his friends, they were normal/beautiful/something."

They all felt the bitterness emitting from the family, they knew exactly what the cryptids wanted.

Hm, the readers don't, though! What will they do with the bones? Well, we see the bones get crushed, and somehow the school crumbles away and also maybe the cryptids become alive again? But it's not very clear quite what happens or how. Is this some sort of ritual they can enact? I'd love to see more about why they need the bones and what exactly is happening with them.

Also, the random woman screaming -- at first, I thought it was Carissa, but we see her bones, so she must be dead. Is it her ghost? Would love to find out what was up with that, or if it was just a part of the graveyard mood!

Dante handed the bones to Crescentia,

Crescentia crushed the bones in her claws

Thordis and Severina wrote on a rock with their claws

I was kind of surprised by the physicality of these lines! Am I right in understanding that the six of them were all dead? I wouldn't have expected that ghosts could interact with the physical world like this! Keegan and Marissa never seemed to do that much as ghosts except sort of time traveling through memories and interacting with each other. Would be cool to know more of the lore on this!

Despite all of my questions (sorry! I'm super curious! ), I think what you want to have come across -- that all the wrongs of the previous story are being righted, as best as they can -- is really present. The tone feels serious, like they're holding this special meeting, but also joyous. The ghosts can finally move on in some way, and the cursed school no longer exists.

I also really enjoy the poetic element -- I think it really makes this story unique and also gives us a little more context from the cryptids' perspective, which was neat. And going back to the beginning, when the school was built, helps to bring everything in both stories full-circle.

I like the way you close the poem out with:

May this school never be built

May another soul never die

May we live in peace

Heed our words

For the magic never dies

It implies that situations like this may come up again, since there are (maybe?) other creatures like this out there in the world, but expresses the hope that in the future, relationships with the different worlds will be more peaceful.

A couple of last things I'm curious about -- what enabled the cryptids to come back to life, while the others were still dead, but just got to go to heaven instead of being trapped to haunt the school?

Also, just in general I would love to see some more justice for Keegan and Marissa -- they had a really horrible thing happen to them, but they pretty much are silent and passive as characters. They seem to take a backseat to Crescentia and her family, and even Dante, who features a little more prominently. Would just love to see a little more from them! I noticed the poem talked about their death, but for some reason Dante was singled out as "darling." Interesting!

I was really happy with this as the ending to your other story! It obviously didn't fix the things that happened, but you left a feeling of calm and restoration, which was really nice. I can appreciate it a lot more after having fully understood your original story, and how these characters interact with each other. I can definitely see how it might be hard on a first-time reader to sort out all of these names and relationships, and how they are dead/alive!

Thanks for a good read. Let me know if you have any questions!

-Q

Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize since this might be super short and I haven't read the other parts of this. So please forgive me if I get something wrong. However, I think that's enough rambling I should probably start the review. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I found this very interesting story to read even without context. The idea of bones being almost like a voodoo doll stuck out to me. I would enjoy seeing delved into more perhaps it was already in the other parts. I wonder if this is the end of the story or if there's more to come.

Likewise, I feel a haunted school at night was such a great setting for this piece. I do wish you built a bit more on the already existing atmosphere it offers. However, this is just a small nitpick as it worked just fine as is.

Lastly, I am glad these children can finally rest I can't imagine being stuck in a monster-like form for who knows how long. Furthermore knowing your mother was the one who caused this to happen.

Now onto the feedback. This going to be very light on it this time around, as always I am not a professional nor do you need to use anything I say.

Besides the small point I brought up on possibly using the setting more ( describing the school in further detail or perhaps a chase ) there was only one thing I want to point out.

“Finally! Finally! We can live again!” Crescentia cried out as she and her daughters became to gain their lives back, their souls back.

I think you mixed up a word here I would change it to something like this.

“Finally! Finally! We can live again!” Crescentia cried out as she and her daughters began to gain their lives back, their souls back.

regardless I found this a pretty good read and I might go back to the others I missed. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!