z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Philippa-Clowns,Magic,murder and lies

by vampricone6783


*The main character of the story commits su!c!de,FYI.Just wanted to say something now.I’ve got Gacha Club designs on my wall.Enjoy.

In the 90s,there was a sad and lost young girl named Philippa.She was sixteen years old.She had crimson eyes,curly hair,dark skin and stood at six feet tall.

Her family loved her dearly,but,she still felt lost.

Philippa was normally very introverted,unless it came to performing in a clown costume for her family's circus.She performed as "Kit the clown."

She didn't enjoy doing it,because a bunch of ungrateful children would always throw fits and temper tantrums around her when she was in costume.Some even had the audacity to talk sassy with her and throw things at her.It didn't help that people from her school that she recognized saw her and called her all sorts of embarrassing names.

But,she did it so her family could have money and that was enough reason.

She had been doing this since she was fourteen.The insults and ridicule should have been numb to her by now,but no,they still stung.

There was this one person in Philippa's life who was important to her.Her name was Jennifer.Jennifer was one year younger than her and her best friend since they merely were twelve and eleven. Jennifer was the only one who didn't laugh at her or treat like anything less.

Later in life,Jennifer grew into something more than a friend.

Philippa wasn't sure if calling Jennifer her girlfriend was the right thing to call her.Yes,she was in a relationship with her,but she was even more than a girlfriend to her.

But they were always there for each other,no matter what.

This story should end in happiness,correct? Philippa had Jennifer and that was the most important and beautiful thing.They should have lived happily ever after,right?

If only that was the case.You see,Jennifer and her family died in a tragic car crash.It was all over the news.

Now,Philippa was even more defeated in life.The most important person in her life was dead.What was she supposed to do now?!

Her mother and father wouldn't understand.They'd tell her to get over it.Her older brother,Conrad,might understand,but he had his own problems to deal with.He was an adult,after all.Besides,she couldn't just call him when he could be busy with other things.Her little sister,Lily,was WAY TOO YOUNG to talk to.She was only four.

Philippa sighed.

If only Jennifer were here.She thought wistfully.

Philippa decided to shove her feelings deep into her heart and smile and pretend like everything was fine.After all,she still had her family business to think about and nothing was more important than that.

Philippa was like this for a few months,until she met someone else.

Violet.

A young,blond haired girl around her age.Violet was nice to her and they became friends.Soon,they were more than friends and started dating.

Violet was a good person,but she could never quite fill the void Jennifer left in her heart.No one could.

Sometimes,Violet would bring up Jennifer to her,asking her why Philippa didn't just end her life and join her.She said she wanted the best for her and that she seemed to love Jennifer a lot.

Violet said a lot of these weird things to her,but Philippa didn't stop her.Violet meant well.Maybe she was right...

Life went fine for Philippa.She had Violet to talk to.

That is,until she didn't have Violet to talk to.

Violet became deathly sick with cholera.She had to be taken to the hospital.It was there that she had died.

Philippa was so distraught.First Jennifer,now Violet?! Now what?! Who was next,her little sister,Lily?!

Philippa couldn't take it anymore.She couldn't live and watch people she loved die,one by one.

No one would miss Philippa.Well,maybe her siblings would.But Conrad was an adult and he'd get through it.Conrad could

also comfort Lily.They would have each other.

When Philippa arrived home,before anyone else,she went to the kitchen,grabbed a bottle of kitchen detergent,put in a glass of water and drank it.

.....................................................................

Philippa woke up hearing sirens and a little girl crying.

"What happened to her,Mommy? Is she sleeping?" The little girl asked.

Suddenly,with a jolt,she realized that it was Lily!

She opened her mouth to tell her sister that was very much awake and then proceed to chase her around the house,but then,she remembered that she was dead.

"Step away from Philippa.We're going to take her." A stern voice said.A police officer.They were there to take her body away.

Philippa felt nothing but an overwhelming sadness for what she had done.She wished,so desperately,that she could take it back and be with her family again.It was such a stupid and reckless decision.But it didn't seem stupid and reckless at the time.

Then,there was a stifling darkness.

.........................................................................

Philippa woke up in her house,standing in front of the bathroom mirror,wearing her clown costume and clown makeup.

"What?" Philippa asked herself.She was confused.

She tried taking it off,but she couldn't.

She looked around the house to search for her family,but no one was there.

Philippa concluded that after some time in the afterlife,the universe decided to punish her and have her wear the very clown costume she hated.Not only that,but she was a ghost haunting this house,her house.

Philippa looked at a calendar on the wall,to check the year,maybe something could make sense out of all this:

AUGUST,2013

"2013?! It was 1993 the last time I was alive! I have been dead for decades!" Philippa yelled.Her family was probably long gone by now.

Sure enough,when the front door of the house opened,a family she had never seen before in her life walked in the house.It was their house now.

Philippa sighed.Why did the world have to be so cruel to her?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1481 Reviews

Points: 153220
Reviews: 1481

Donate
Sun Mar 27, 2022 9:38 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Icy here again! I think this is a much better length for a post that really makes use of all of your points. Thanks for the warning at the beginning, it really helps to have something like that as a warning before I start reading so I really appreciate you including it.

I think on the whole my comments are very similar to before. You have a good plot, and the pace works well but we really lack the description and the show not tell element of the story. When you tell the reader what's happening rather than show them it creates this kind of distance from the story. We know what's happening because it's written in the text but because it's so factual and matter of fact we feel removed and there's no real tension, or connection to the characters because of that distance.

Essentially, that means decreasing your exposition and increasing things like sensory description and conversations with characters. Let us see how they are feeling. Horror is a very difficult thing to write because you don't have all the luxuries of tv where they can play with music, sound effects and visuals. But in writing, horror works well when we view it through the eyes of the character and how they're feeling. For example, how does she feel when her girlfriend is killed in a tragic accident?

Philippa concluded that after some time in the afterlife,the universe decided to punish her and have her wear the very clown costume she hated.Not only that,but she was a ghost haunting this house,her house.

This for example, is a very matter of fact statement. How did she conclue this, what led her to these thoughts? Does she have some experience that makes her realise this? And how does she feel about all these things?

I think you have some really interesting ideas here, as in many of your stories, they just need a little further exploration!

Happy Sunday, and hope this review was helpful!

Icy




vampricone6783 says...


Thanks for your review!



User avatar
700 Reviews

Points: 50105
Reviews: 700

Donate
Sun Mar 06, 2022 5:05 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This has to be the first 'short story' of yours that I am reading, if I am not very wrong. You had quite a great plot there.

First of all, with the , oncw upon a time will simply not do. I don't know if I said this earlier but once upon a time is considered as one of the benchmarks of bad writing by several people. You don't really want to radiate that vibe in the beginning of your story. Also, you really have thousands of other choices in this case. You can edit the third stanza a but and make it your beginning if you want.

Next with the plot of the story. The plot was very interesting. I really think that Philippa's sufferings were really very bad and she actually couldn't tolerate it anymore. I don't know but to some extent I feel that you could expound a bit on the deaths of these people. Violet and the other. Also, it was a bit repetitive... Those two deaths, I mean. They kind of died in the same way, instantly. The car is okay but the cholera can be expanded a lot because a person does live for sometime after being infected with cholera. So what happened to their friendship in that time? Did Philippa went to see Violet and talk with her? Those little details could be included here.

Next to the characters. There's only one thing which I want to include here and that is Violet. Violet, to me, doesn't seem to be a good and kind person. Like why would anyone want their friend to die without any reason? That actually seems to be very cruel and can that actually be meant in a good sense? At least I don't see how.

And we have some sort of time travel here. Don't know what that is actually supposed to do because it's really 20 years. It's kind of hard to recognise people after 20 years but maybe ut doesn't work for relatives. Anyway, one thing which I would really like to talk about is the effect of the time gap. The world changed a lot in these 20 years. Bring that out visually. Just put into the story something that she doesn't recognise. It's also kind of weird that she, without any reason, looked into the calendar. I really think you can put something new which was not there during 1993 and give some good description so that the reader can understand and then let her wonder. That is just showing over telling.

Overall, it was a really good story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




vampricone6783 says...


Thanks for reading!

You%u2019re right about Violet.She isn%u2019t a good person.She%u2019s toxic.I%u2019ll be doing her story sometime later,there%u2019s a lot more stories to unpack.

I will consider using more beginnings besides %u201Conce upon a time%u201D.In fact,I%u2019ll edit the beginning of this story.

Yeah,after she died,she kind of went into a limbo state.She %u201Cwoke up%u201D 20 years later.




There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket