z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

My dearest Denise (reprise)

by vampricone6783


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

*This is from my “Town of Richardson” stories. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

My dearest Denise,

Was it really just a lie?

Did you really not love me?


I guess I knew it all along

I guess I knew you wouldn’t care for my song


But I thought maybe I could have someone to love

I knew I was too young for this

I knew it couldn’t last

I knew it was too good to be true


But I couldn’t help but think that

My dearest Denise

Was more than a fantasy


I wanted to believe that maybe

Just maybe

You’d love me


Maybe we could be together 

Maybe


But it’s only a maybe

Now I’m stuck

With my lonely thoughts and my dark soul


Haunting a circus that lost its glamour

A long time ago


It doesn’t feel like a circus

It feels like a cave


Like a very dark and depressing


C A V E


And I don’t feel like me

I think you took me away from


M Y S E L F


My dearest Denise

I feel like a monster


I feel like a demon


I feel like death

I can’t believe you left me there

Left me to get eaten by the maggots and the beetles


Left me to rot into a shell of nothingness

Left me to disappear


F O R E V E R


So now I sing this song to you, but I honestly don’t know who

You don’t listen anymore


You’re not you

You’re a monster

You’re something else

And your corrupted touch

Made me a monster

Just like you


So now I live here, all alone in this dark “circus.”


The ghosts don’t keep me company


Nothing can keep me company


I want to forget you


I want to forget M E


So I’ll fade into the shadows

Till my song dies with my body


Till my soul dies too


Until I’m no more


Until I’m


N O T H I N G


Goodbye forever


My dearest Denise…


Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 21
Reviews: 26

Donate
Tue Feb 28, 2023 5:35 pm
View Likes
Dipro wrote a review...



Hi vampirecone,

Quite brilliant. I genuinely wasn't expecting something of this calibre. I mean, there's such raw emotion blistering in the lines. Well done. You have managed to create two well-shaped characters in a few stanzas. Iike how the poem how the poem also revolves around the fact that love takes as much as it gives. The narrator clearly resents that fact.




User avatar
455 Reviews

Points: 22123
Reviews: 455

Donate
Mon Feb 20, 2023 5:37 pm
View Likes
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi vampricone,

I haven't been by to review one of your songs in a while, so I thought I'd stop by to review this one!

These lyrics touch on a lot of the different emotions that can go along with a relationship (and the ensuing break up). I like how, instead of just focusing on the fact that the narrator has lost Denise, we also see how the narrator feels like they have lost some integral part of themself. A lot of times in a close relationship - even a close friendship - we can lose sight of who we are, outside of the reference point of another person. It's a very interesting topic to explore! There's a lot of resentment that accompanies this feeling, as the narrator seems to be putting a lot of blame on Denise.

I can’t believe you left me there

Left me to get eaten by the maggots and the beetles


Left me to rot into a shell of nothingness

Left me to disappear

^These lines especially are really heavy on the resentment. "Icky" imagery like "the maggots and the beetles" is very good at conveying that emotion!

I do find that the song gets a bit repetitive at times. There are only so many ways you can say "I hate you for breaking up with me" before it gets redundant, and towards the end I started feeling like I wasn't getting anything new out of the song. I'd encourage you to try to boil the "message" of the song down into a few bullet points, and then only cover each bullet point once! For instance, the bullet points could be something like
(1) the narrator feels betrayed and lied to
(2) the narrator realizes they were giving themself false hope
(3) the narrator feels lost without Denise
(4) the narrator thinks Denise has become a monster

Obviously that's just a rough breakdown, and you might consider other ideas to be more important! But then, once you've sorted out the main points you want to get across to the reader, you can cover each point once and cross it off once you've covered it. That way, the reader doesn't have the chance to get bored or think "yeah, I've heard this before, what's new?".

I thought your use of all-caps and spacing was interesting, especially with words like "C A V E", "M Y S E L F", and "N O T H I N G". I wonder how you would reflect that in the accompanying music? Like perhaps a very aggressive base line in those spots, or a very slow and heavy rhythm.

Overall, this was an interesting read. Let me know if anything I mentioned doesn't make sense, and I'd be glad to clear that up!

Best,
Seirre





We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy