Young Writers Society

Hi vampricone,

I haven't been by to review one of your songs in a while, so I thought I'd stop by to review this one!

These lyrics touch on a lot of the different emotions that can go along with a relationship (and the ensuing break up). I like how, instead of just focusing on the fact that the narrator has lost Denise, we also see how the narrator feels like they have lost some integral part of themself. A lot of times in a close relationship - even a close friendship - we can lose sight of who we are, outside of the reference point of another person. It's a very interesting topic to explore! There's a lot of resentment that accompanies this feeling, as the narrator seems to be putting a lot of blame on Denise.

I can’t believe you left me there

Left me to get eaten by the maggots and the beetles


Left me to rot into a shell of nothingness

Left me to disappear

^These lines especially are really heavy on the resentment. "Icky" imagery like "the maggots and the beetles" is very good at conveying that emotion!

I do find that the song gets a bit repetitive at times. There are only so many ways you can say "I hate you for breaking up with me" before it gets redundant, and towards the end I started feeling like I wasn't getting anything new out of the song. I'd encourage you to try to boil the "message" of the song down into a few bullet points, and then only cover each bullet point once! For instance, the bullet points could be something like
(1) the narrator feels betrayed and lied to
(2) the narrator realizes they were giving themself false hope
(3) the narrator feels lost without Denise
(4) the narrator thinks Denise has become a monster

Obviously that's just a rough breakdown, and you might consider other ideas to be more important! But then, once you've sorted out the main points you want to get across to the reader, you can cover each point once and cross it off once you've covered it. That way, the reader doesn't have the chance to get bored or think "yeah, I've heard this before, what's new?".

I thought your use of all-caps and spacing was interesting, especially with words like "C A V E", "M Y S E L F", and "N O T H I N G". I wonder how you would reflect that in the accompanying music? Like perhaps a very aggressive base line in those spots, or a very slow and heavy rhythm.

Overall, this was an interesting read. Let me know if anything I mentioned doesn't make sense, and I'd be glad to clear that up!

Best,
Seirre