Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so I've been through a few of these now...and they are always pretty to the point and fun to read. This is no exception...Anthony does offer a few extra details that we couldn't really see from Esmè's view and quite interesting, this is perhaps the only one I've seen that ends on a more hopeful note that even though the odds are basically zero, this is someone who won't give up and may eventually suceed.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,in the 1900s,there was a man named Anthony Edison.He was married to Helena Edison and had one four year old daughter named Esmerèe Edison.Some people called her Esmè.

Anthony loved his daughter,but Helena…Helena didn’t.He would ask her why and she’d say it’s because she never wanted kids or him.

“So why did you marry me?! Why are you still here?!” He asked her furiously.

“What do you think,stupid?!” She asked sharply.

Then,he realized it.She only married him for money.She was still here for money.

Anthony wanted to,but he didn’t divorce her.He didn’t know how much it would hurt Esmè and he’d rather suffer than have her be upset.

Just to make her happy,he took Esmè to the circus.He watched as Esmè smiled and had so much fun.She even met a nice lady named Leona who owned the circus.

Esmè kept begging him to take her.Anthony did,because he wanted Esmè to be happy,even though he wasn’t happy with his marriage.

One day,when they were at the circus,Leona asked them to follow her.He didn’t trust her,but Esmè seemed to like her.Maybe he could like her too.

They followed her.The next thing they knew,they were snake people.

Leona got Helena to look at them and with no surprise to Anthony,Helena took one look at them and called them ugly.

That wasn’t all.Leona forced him to watch as she locked Esmè in a cage,like an animal.

Leona pushed him out of the carnival.

He tried to save Esmè,he really did,but Leona zapped him out of the circus.Every time he tried to get in,he’d be zapped out.

“What did you do?!” He asked Leona.She was standing in front of him,smiling evilly.

“I put a spell around this circus.Every time you’ll try to get in,you’ll be zapped out.” Leona said.

“Why did I curse you and Esmè to be snake people? So I could have freaks.Why did I separate you from your daughter? Because I wanted to.Why did I trap her and freeze her age until someone saves her? Because…she deserves to feel the pain I felt when I was growing up.” Leona said,laughing at him.

“Whatever you felt growing up isn’t even close to what Esmè will feel now!” Anthony yelled.

“Whatever.It’s not like you can do anything about it.” Leona said.

She walked away and he had no choice but to leave.He’d come back,though.For Esmè.

Anthony wasn’t going to give up.He’d find a way to save his daughter.He’d find a way to reunite with her.

Hopefully,he’d find some way,any way,to be with her…

Hi there it’s @BeingRivy,
I agree that you need to do more showing, not telling based on the previous response by Anamel. But I think that this plot has some potential with Leona (the antagonist) and their husband and wife being together again.
I like this plot being In a story. Maybe you can give Leona powers of brainwashing or hypnosis or something like that. It remind me of Disney’s animated movie “The Jungle Book” (mowgli and the snake part).
I don’t know what else to add, though, but this seems like a great story.
From, @BeingRivy .

You've clearly stated the intentions of the characters and what their motives are, which is good, but you do much more telling instead of showing. It's difficult for a reader to grow attached to a character or care about their hopes and struggles when their situations are glossed over and compacted into only a couple sentences. It would also help the reader paint a better picture of what's going on through descriptions of the scenery, mentioning subtle facial expressions or bodily movements of the characters, and their appearances.

In the first sentence when you mention once upon a time, you could also give the reader a few details about the town/city they live in. The time period would be able to be figured out by the clothes they're wearing or their speech mannerisms. I'd assume this story might be set in the 1900's but the thing is, I don't know for sure because it was never hinted or stated. It also makes the characters feel a bit one dimensional to have no deeper reasons behind their actions. The mother is depicted as a cliche villian, only doing bad things just because she's a bad person. The reader might feel a little more sympathy for her or acknowledge why she's a messed up person. You mentioned she did this because she felt pain growing up, but what sort of pain? Also, is it possible her parents could've forced her into this marriage or heavily encouraged her/threatened her to because of the money it would bring into their family?