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Angelita-Clowns,Magic,Murder and Lies

by vampricone6783

*This is the story of Angelita Lopez,from my story “Clowns,Magic,Murder and Lies.” I have Gacha Club character designs on my wall.Enjoy!

Once there was a young girl named Angelita Lopez.She was fourteen years old,had an amazing sister,who just happened to be her twin,Maybelline Lopez and two parents who just adored her and her sister.

But as you know,life’s not fair.

For when her parents went out on a date and left them with some babysitter named Nova,she and her sister heard news of their deaths.

That’s right.Their parents were dead.

You can imagine how confused,frustrated and distraught the girls were when they found out.

Nova tried to comfort them and they pretended it worked,just for her sake.

But they were planning something…


When Nova was asleep (or doing anything other than paying attention to them) they’d sneak out of their rooms through their windows and go to the abandoned carnival that was close by.

Why were they sneaking out and to an abandoned carnival,of all places? Because maybe they could feel more relaxed and at peace there.

So they set their plan into motion.

When the time came,they snuck out their windows and into the carnival.

“We should go back.Nova will be worried about us.” Angelita said.She was regretting this decision already.

“And face the fact that our parents are dead?! Us running away to this carnival is paradise!” Maybelline squealed.

A clown with purplish-bluish hair,a yellow puffy sleeved shirt,red puffy shorts,a green party hat,blue-green socks and green shoes stepped out of the darkness,holding a yellow balloon and a pink lollipop.

Angelita and Maybelline stared at the clown.

As if that wasn’t weird or creepy enough,a marionette woman danced out of the darkness.She had puppet strings on her,glass eyes,a black,empty mouth holding a rose and a pink dress on.

Even weirder,they seemed to recognize the twins and yelled:


The girls glared at them.

“You weirdos aren’t our parents.” They said,

“Care to explain?” The clown asked the puppet.

“Definitely!” She beamed.

“Okay,so it’s like this.When we were human and standing in line at the restaurant where we would get our dinner,this young blond girl with violet eyes was standing all alone,crying.She’s saying:”I’m lost! Somebody help me!” So,we agree to help her.She thanks us and tells us to follow her.We ask her why and she says it’s to show us where her parents were last time.We make the dumb decision to follow her and then,she pins us both to the ground and kills us.Our souls were demons for a bit,but that’s not all.She changed us and made as come back as…this.” The puppet pointed to herself and then her husband emphasizing the fact that they weren’t human.

“We can’t even leave this place.Believe me,we tried.” The puppet said.

“If you’re REALLY our parents,then prove it.” Maybelline said.

“Well,you,the girl in red and with longer hair,you’re Maybelline.You,the girl in purple and with shorter hair,you’re Angelita.We had to dress you guys in your favorite colors and style your hair differently so we could distinguish you.Sometimes,you’re friends would mistaken you for each other and we’d all have to explain to them that you guys are two different people.One time in Kindergarten,you got upset,Maybelline,because your friends thought Angelita was you and you tried telling them the truth,but they wouldn’t listen.You came crying to us after school and you even wet the bed-“ The clown was saying,but Maybelline interrupted him.

“Okay,okay,we get it.You’re our parents.No need to go into detail.” Maybelline said.

Their parents smiled.

“I can also become a clown.” Their Mom said.Then,she transformed into a tall green haired clown with pigtails a pink puffy shirt a blue skirt and yellow shoes.

“Wow! Cool!” The girls squealed.

“BEHIND YOU!” Their parents yelled.

The girls looked behind them and screamed.

A purple-haired,pink-dressed clown lunged towards them.

Their parents tried to save them,but it was too late.She had already sliced and diced them.

They were dead.

Now they joined them in the carnival of lost dreams.

Is this a review?



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289 Reviews

Points: 304
Reviews: 289

Tue May 03, 2022 7:20 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...

Hello! Here to review.

The narrative style is very conversational, which makes me wonder who exactly the narrator is as it reads like someone telling a story. Is this on purpose? Does it link to your novel?

'Why were they sneaking out and to an abandoned carnival,of all places? Because maybe they could feel more relaxed and at peace there.' - why would they feel at peace at a carnival? Carnivals are notoriously loud and colourful and hectic, not a place where someone would go to get their thoughts in order. So if there is a specific reason that the twins are drawn to it, it would be good to mention that.

'A clown with purplish-bluish hair,a yellow puffy sleeved shirt,red puffy shorts,a green party hat,blue-green socks and green shoes stepped out of the darkness,holding a yellow balloon and a pink lollipop.' - a lot of colours mentioned here and the long list doesn't really add anything to the description. It just makes it wordy.

'“You weirdos aren’t our parents.” They said.; - How did they get that from the clown and marionette just saying 'Children'? Surely their names or something more personal would make more sense?

I know this is just a wrap-up of these characters' backstories, and the story itself is pretty unique. But it could do with some tightening up.

Hope this helps :D

vampricone6783 says...

Well..Well I%u2019ll work on it.Thanks!

User avatar
32 Reviews

Points: 166
Reviews: 32

Sat Apr 30, 2022 5:55 pm
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saadamansayyed wrote a review...

Hello! This is my first encounter (and I hope, not the last) with one of your works! I am really excited to review your story, and give you some advice that hopefully will help you in becoming better at the craft. That being said, please excuse me if I say anything dumb, and please discard whatever you find without use and keep whatever you feel is of use. Enough blabbering, lets get into the story.

So, I don't have a problem objectively with your writing style, let's get that clear. When I was younger, I wrote that like that too. But, subjectively, I'm not a big fan. It seems very, uh, what's the slang that the cool kids use these days? Yeah, it feels 'basic' if you know what I mean. It lacks 'nuance' for the lack of a better word.

However, I do find the premise very interesting and definitely worth exploring. I understand there's more to this story that I probably missed, but still, it is extremely fun to read. Like, I can imagine me lazing with this book with, like, a cool cover and lazing in the AC on a hot summer day, just taking this in.

Not to discourage you, but from a critical perspective, this story is sorta weak. Its not got much substance (yet), there's punctuation issues sprinkled throughout, and the prose as well as the overall dialog is weak. See, I don't want to hide the truth from you -- you need improvement, especially in how you write, and your dialog. I find the plot alright, and it can be explored very well.

So, overall, interesting. Please don't get discouraged and keep writing, since this is really a worthy premise.

vampricone6783 says...

Hmm..okay! Thank you for the review!

I will definitely work on my writing.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss