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18+ Language Mature Content

Milk and White Chocolate: Chapter One- Meeting Milk Chocolate

by valentin3


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

I placed each of my hands on either side of the detention desk. On the whiteboard it might as well have said "Welcome to Hell, Dallas!" but it didn't. It said, "After School Detention" and then listed a plethora of rules that not a single person in the detention room followed. All of this just because I took a girl to a diner and made out with her? I mean come on, it's not like I'm trying to get her pregnant or anything. I pulled out my Walkman and placed the headphones on my ears. All because she was fucking black? I tapped my desk, rubbed my arm, and waited for the detention bell to go off. I feel as if God put me in the wrong spot. Or maybe I was at the wrong place at the wrong time? Whatever it was it was screwed up. I don't give a shit if my parents were from the 1850s or whatever. All I know is that they will burn in fucking hell for being the racists they are. I laughed to myself, and the detention bell rung. I grabbed my bag and followed my friend Cason out the room. ''Tainted Love'' by Soft Cell played in my Walkman. This world is more fucking tainted then love.

***

Cason cracks open a beer and kisses his girlfriend. 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' blared on the speakers. This is what I call a party. Seniors, beer, and hot chicks. Honestly, I'm just here to scout out girls like a college scout would do to a future NFL quarterback. I see a group of girls fooling around. They're swaying their hips and shaking their ass as if they aren't in room full of completely hormone driven males. Cason's girlfriend rushes to the door out of nowhere. I've never seen somebody stop smooching it up with somebody that quick. She hugged somebody. And that somebody was hot as fuck. Brown skin and long black hair that fell down to her ass. Big fat lips too! Like playboy magazine fat! My hormones are gonna swallow me before this night is through. Lord, have mercy she's walking this way. I'm sweating like a fucking pig and her goddamn hips are curved perfect and her hips stick out and her fucking bo-. My thoughts cut off. My brain is short circuiting, and my pants are tighter than they seemed before. Cason's girlfriend Maya spots me before I can sneak to the bathroom.

"Dallas! Get you mullet-headed ass over here," she says (really, she's yelling but I can barely hear her) flailing her sun-tanned arms while pretty girl stood with a cup in her hand. Honestly, Cason has never had good taste in women but all in all at least he isn't dating my sister anymore. I shimmy my way past the ass shaking girls and make it to Maya.

"What? I know you didn't call me over here for nothing," I look at the floor trying not to look at pretty girl. She has long eyelashes too.

"This is my friend, Marci. She's your date. No questions asked."

"Wait? What? I don't even fucking know her." You want to know her. You're a desperate bastard that can't keep his dick in his pants   himself in line.

"Last week you said you wanted a date, dipshit. Well here she is." She points at pretty girl Marci. Marci blinks her long eyelashes that are driving me absolutely crazy. 

"Oh, I don't even know how to react to that." 

"She's pretty right?" How the hell can she ask me that when Marci is right there.

"Yea, I guess."

Maya grabs my wrist with her nails and drags me away. Each cat claw dug into my pale skin. 

"Dallas! Come on! I showed her a picture of you and she seriously likes you. Give Marci a chance. Please?" She touches my mullet slightly like she wants me to go out with her. 

"Fine, but you have to buy me hairspray tomorrow."

"We got a deal then," She shakes my hands and drags me again. "take her to the diner downtown. Get her out of here." We get make it back to Marci and I wrack my brain about what to say.

I'm gonna fucking cry if I mess this up. Hottest girl in the whole damn room and I'm gonna ruin it. Now the screeches of girls have died as 'Tainted Love' by Soft Cell plays. Damn, I love this song.


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Thu Sep 26, 2024 11:56 am
kaitlyn wrote a review...



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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

I placed each of my hands on either side of the detention desk. On the whiteboard it might as well have said "Welcome to Hell, Dallas!" but it didn't. It said "After School Detention" and then listed a plethora of rules that not a single person in the detention room followed. All of this just because I took a girl to a diner and made out with her? I mean come on, it's not like I'm trying to get her pregnant or anything. I pulled out my Walkman and placed the headphones on my ears. All because she was fucking black? I tapped my desk, rubbed my arm, and waited for the detention bell to go off. I feel as if God put me in the wrong spot. Or maybe I was at the wrong place at the wrong time? Whatever it was it was screwed up. I don't give a shit if my parents were from the 1850s or whatever. All I know is that they will burn in fucking hell for being the racists they are. I laughed to myself and the detention bell rung. I grabbed my bag and followed my friend Cason out the room. ''Tainted Love'' by Soft Cell played in my walkman. This world is more fucking tainted then love.


Well this is quite the tale that you've got here. For starters, love the little blurb there. It sounds like this is going to be quite an intriguing tale. The title threw me off for a minute, I won't lie, I thought this was going to be something more meant for younger children and themed around chocolate but looks like we're dealing with a significantly more bitter situation than that and I think that makes for an excellent tale.

This opening is a little short I will say. Usually a chapter is a little longer than that. I think you do have enough content in here to make it a full chapter, you just need to take all the little points like the thoughts that we have our protagonist go through for example and showcase all the things that happened to make him think these things. A few things like that will really allow you to stretch this out a bit and make it more of a start. As it stands right now, it really is a little too short.

However, the emotions on display are great, introducing our protagonist a bit of his opinions and his general thoughts about the world at the moment. All good things, so overall this has great potential, you just need to flesh it out more.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate




valentin3 says...


The title is supposed to throw people of that's why I titled it that way. I don't sugar-coat any of my stories, but I do with the title. That in my opinion is how you 'hook' your reader. I've been working on writing more to the chapter and maybe even changing it entirely. It's reviews like yours that make my little writer's blocked heart happy! :3



valentin3 says...


*off



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Wed Sep 04, 2024 4:42 pm
Cheerio wrote a review...



Hey, valentin3!

I'm going to review this wonderful story that I was so fortunate to find.

Fun Fact: I have oc by the name of Valentin ( so this is fun, lol)

Anywho, moving on to the actual review, I have three things I'd like to go over (If you don't mind reading a very unprofessional review by a person who only started writing reviews when they signed up for YWS :)

1. I love your main character's personality, drive, and especially his attitude. It's fitting for him especially considering the predicament he's found himself in. Looking forward to seeing more of Dallas in the future.

2. I saw that someone else already corrected your grammar so I won't stay long here (I don't want to sound like a broken record). I had to reread the sentence: "It said "After School Detention" then listed a extensive plethora of rules that not a single person in the detention room followed them." At first, I thought I was just reading it wrong (I do that a lot...*nervous laugh*) Mind you, I'm no grammar expert but I think this sentence should've read:

It said "After School Detention" and then listed a plethora of rules that not a single person in the detention room followed.

I removed the word extensive because it felt redundant when followed by plethora. I also removed 'them' at the end of the sentence because it sorta felt like a typo (one I make all the time, lol) But apart from that I think it was good. Well done.

3. Lastly, I love the plot of the story and I'm excited to see more of Dallas and his love interest in the future. (I'm so excited rn. Please keep writing, I beg. You literally got all my favorite genres in one story! All the best with writing!!!
Cheers!
God Bless!
(Keep writing, I mean it, I wanna see more!)

~ Cheerio




valentin3 says...


Thank you! I should have Chapter 2 out n the next few weeks :3



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Mon Sep 02, 2024 4:53 am
JazzicusMaximus wrote a review...



Howdy! I'm Jazz and today I'm reviewing your chapter!

I Like Banana's Because They Have No Bones - First impressions


First of all, wow, this is the shortest chapter I've read on this website so far! I feel like I'm reading the transcript printed out from a teenager's head in that era. He feels like a real teenager.
I also don't see many books from this time period where white and black people didn't mix, especially when it's from the point of view of a white teenage boy who doesn't have a problem with the pigmentation of someone's skin.

Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun - Suggestions I have


"All of this just because I took a girl..."
In this sentence I feel like 'just' should be italicized to add more of a dramatic effect to it.
Other than this, that's the only thing I see. I would suggest making this chapter longer to spread out the info-dumping.

The Ravings of John McCullough - Things I loved


I love the part where he's like "It might as well have said 'Welcome to Hell, Dallas!'". This really emphasized the teenage part of him because that is what every kid thinks when they're in high school, especially boys.
The last sentence was very well placed, and left this chapter ending with a very bitter note. That's what stays with the reader, and they remember his thoughts of this chapter with a bitter vibe.

They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha-Haaa! - Finale


I find this interesting, and I can't wait to see what's to come!




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Thu Aug 29, 2024 9:04 pm
theromanticchemist wrote a review...



Hi, coming in with a review!
Although this chapter is short I can really understand the story. You weave it together so well, I am really waiting for the next chapter. The way you describe it feels like a look inside the mind of a teenager and rebelliousness. It feels so believable, which is a good thing in this case.
Just a bit of grammar though, in the sentence "I grabbed my bag and followed my friend, Cason out the room." you don't need the comma. It flows better without it and yes, there are some rules about compound/complex sentences but this isn't either, so you don't need the comma.
I can't wait to see what comes next, and what else you write!




valentin3 says...


Thanks! I like writing short first chapters that pack a punch in one go. Thanks for correcting my grammar :3




Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria