Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
I placed each of my hands on either side of the detention desk. On the whiteboard it might as well have said "Welcome to Hell, Dallas!" but it didn't. It said "After School Detention" and then listed a plethora of rules that not a single person in the detention room followed. All of this just because I took a girl to a diner and made out with her? I mean come on, it's not like I'm trying to get her pregnant or anything. I pulled out my Walkman and placed the headphones on my ears. All because she was fucking black? I tapped my desk, rubbed my arm, and waited for the detention bell to go off. I feel as if God put me in the wrong spot. Or maybe I was at the wrong place at the wrong time? Whatever it was it was screwed up. I don't give a shit if my parents were from the 1850s or whatever. All I know is that they will burn in fucking hell for being the racists they are. I laughed to myself and the detention bell rung. I grabbed my bag and followed my friend Cason out the room. ''Tainted Love'' by Soft Cell played in my walkman. This world is more fucking tainted then love.
Well this is quite the tale that you've got here. For starters, love the little blurb there. It sounds like this is going to be quite an intriguing tale. The title threw me off for a minute, I won't lie, I thought this was going to be something more meant for younger children and themed around chocolate but looks like we're dealing with a significantly more bitter situation than that and I think that makes for an excellent tale.
This opening is a little short I will say. Usually a chapter is a little longer than that. I think you do have enough content in here to make it a full chapter, you just need to take all the little points like the thoughts that we have our protagonist go through for example and showcase all the things that happened to make him think these things. A few things like that will really allow you to stretch this out a bit and make it more of a start. As it stands right now, it really is a little too short.
However, the emotions on display are great, introducing our protagonist a bit of his opinions and his general thoughts about the world at the moment. All good things, so overall this has great potential, you just need to flesh it out more.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Points: 317314
Reviews: 4431
Donate