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12+ Violence Mature Content

Him and I Part 1

by valentin3


I sat silently at the small gate. It was white and tarnished with greenish-yellow blotches. God, I should go home. Derek looked at his girlfriend, noticing she had been crying. I had been crying while"Boys don't cry" rung in my head. Carlos was dead. He died at that stupid party, and it was our fault.  He didn't even want to go.

***

Derek pulled up in his Kia EV9. Well, it was his dad's, but his dad never cared about him enough to acknowledge a car. His girlfriend, Coral, sat on the passenger side, staring blankly at her phone. He didn’t roll down the window; he just simply flipped me off, and that was that. I walked toward the car, opening the door. Carlos was sitting in the back, talking to his mom. He was uttering things in Spanish. I couldn’t understand it.

“Mamá, dije que voy a una fiesta,” he said, looking at me. “Bien. Te amo, Mamá. ¡Adiós!”

I hopped in the car and settled myself in the seat. Carlos sighed. I don’t think he liked me as much as I liked him. He was tall, had shaggy brown hair and white skin, and he was muscular. He’d gone to the gym for as long as I can remember. His mom was Hispanic and his dad was French, so depending on who he was talking to, different languages were needed. He was beautiful. He had those kinds of eyes that you want to keep looking at. They made people like him. I think it was the deep green mixed in with the soft yellow that made light strokes across his eyes. He also had that scar. Ha.  

That scar. 


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Fri Mar 22, 2024 11:41 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is quite the first part right here. I think we've got a short but very powerfully packed piece to kick us off here. I am really loving the vibes that you have managed to establish so very quickly off the bat. Its a really powerful little scene and I think it leaves us with many many questions which is great for a first part.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I sat silently at the small gate. It was white and tarnished with greenish-yellow blotches. God, I should go home. Derek looked at his girlfriend, noticing she had been crying. I had been crying while"Boys don't cry" rung in my head. Carlos was dead. He died at that stupid party, and it was our fault. He didn't even want to go.


Well this is a very strong start for us here. Just immediately diving into some properly horrifying things there with this person's friend being dead and there being a pretty clear sense of guilt centered around it all as well. Certainly makes for a powerful opening here. Let's see where this is headed.

Derek pulled up in his Kia EV9. Well, it was his dad's, but his dad never cared about him enough to acknowledge a car. His girlfriend, Coral, sat on the passenger side, staring blankly at her phone. He didn’t roll down the window; he just simply flipped me off, and that was that. I walked toward the car, opening the door. Carlos was sitting in the back, talking to his mom. He was uttering things in Spanish. I couldn’t understand it.


Hmm this is a very interesting little scene here. We get a good look at the sort of relationship that's shared between these two here and a bit about how Carlos interacts with his parents, and of course the general state of everyone after this death. Quite a lot we can glean from this without it being mentioned directly and I love that. Its a really nice way to showcase a lot of information here without it being an infodump.

I hopped in the car and settled myself in the seat. Carlos sighed. I don’t think he liked me as much as I liked him. He was tall, had shaggy brown hair and white skin, and he was muscular. He’d gone to the gym for as long as I can remember. His mom was Hispanic and his dad was French, so depending on who he was talking to, different languages were needed. He was beautiful. He had those kinds of eyes that you want to keep looking at. They made people like him. I think it was the deep green mixed in with the soft yellow that made light strokes across his eyes. He also had that scar. Ha.

That scar.


Hmmmmm. This is quite the place to end on. It seems this duo is a little more complicated than it seemed initially which is wonderful. You gotta love things being just a bit more complex than is normal. And that detail of the scar I think is a wonderful thing to end on. Its just intriguing enough to make us very curious about it but without telling us anything so we can learn too much about the whole thing. Its a lovely little cliffhanger.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think its a powerful first part that you've got here. We have a nice powerful event to take notice of, a little cliffhanger with a somewhat mysterious clue and some already fairly compelling characters. I'd say its a strong start here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Wed Mar 20, 2024 12:12 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - There are four teenagers in a car, headed to a party. Unfortunately, something awful happens to Carlos, but what? That is for the reader to find out…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - You don’t have to follow this, but I think that maybe putting “ha” in italics would be good. Again, these are just my thoughts. This is your story.

Chocolate Bar - I like the overall melancholy and mysterious feeling that this first chapter has. The woes of being a teenager, and the sense of a tragedy in the midst. It’s poetic, it leaves me wanting to know more.

Closing Graham Cracker - A story where not really anyone wins, and of something terrible to come. I enjoyed reading this, and I’ll be certain to check out the next chapter that comes out.

I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^




valentin3 says...


Thank you :)



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Tue Mar 19, 2024 6:13 pm
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valentin3 says...



I'm a new to writing so please let me know what to do and what not to do :P




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Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:15 pm
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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello, friend!
Welcome to YWS!!! I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out!

Image

Per my interpretation, this was a very interesting start to a novel!! While there doesn't seem to be a specific direction this story is pointing in, it does seem like it might be a love story or maybe even a suspenseful one. I can't wait to dive into it!

Brief Summary:

Spoiler! :
The main character is in love with a man named Carlos. He has many amazing features and speaks multiple languages. But he doesn't seem to have the same interest in the main character; he actually seems to dislike them. This doesn't matter, however, because they ended up in the same car headed to the same party. What Carlos and everyone else in the car don't know is that, at some point, Carlos is going to die.

This is quite an interesting plot, and I'm very excited to see where it goes!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be related to your sentence structure. While there was nothing grammatically wrong or anything too serious, many of your sentences seemed to be the same length: short, which can get quite boring for a reader.

For example, the opening paragraph, or otherwise, the prologue, was full of very short sentences, some of which couldn't even truly stand on their own. You said,

I sat silently at the small gate. White, tarnished with greenish-yellow blotches. God, I should go home. Derek looked at his girlfriend. She had been crying. I had been crying. "Boys don't cry" rung in my head. Carlos was dead. He died at that stupid party. It was our fault. He didn't even want to go.


This was great and got the point across... but varying your sentence length and sentence structure is very important when it comes to writing captivating pieces because, like I said before, it can get quite boring otherwise. And that's not to say this piece was boring; I just think that you could change it up a little. Maybe make it look more like this:
(changes are bolded)

I sat silently at the small gate. It was white and tarnished, with greenish-yellow blotches. God, I should go home. Derek looked at his girlfriend, noticing that she had been crying. I had been crying while "Boys don't cry" rang in my head. Carlos was dead. He died at that stupid party, and it was our fault. He didn't even want to go.


But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, I would have to contradict my previous statement... The opening paragraph was really great, and I genuinely loved how it set up the story! I still think sentence structure could be worked on, but it was legitimately a wonderful introduction and a fantastic way to draw a reader in!

The introduction starts where I assume the main character is staring into a cemetery, mourning the loss of a friend, Carlos, and begging themselves to leave.
I sat silently at the small gate. White, tarnished with greenish-yellow blotches. God, I should go home.


This is followed by the mention of everyone crying, showcasing their grief and how devastating this was for all of them. The main character also experiences some internal conflict in regards to crying; they shouldn't cry. They do, however, releasing their emotions in the form of tears.
Derek looked at his girlfriend. She had been crying. I had been crying. "Boys don't cry" rung in my head.


Finally, the introduction showed what caused all of this. All of the pain, the crying, and why they were at the cemetery. It highlighted the main character's guilt and how they felt about bringing Carlos to a party he didn't want to be at, while also setting up the story to lay out what led them there.
Carlos was dead. He died at that stupid party. It was our fault. He didn't even want to go.


The entire opening paragraph was an emotional rollercoaster, and a fantastic one at that! You enclosed so much information while drawing me in and making me question what was happening. It was the perfect way to get a reader hooked, so kudos to you for that!


Overall, this was a great start to your novel! I enjoyed reading it, and I'm looking forward to more!! I am, however, hoping the next few parts are a touch longer and the sentence structure is a little more varied... Nonetheless, I'm excited and can't wait to see what you can do!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




valentin3 says...


Thank you so much! I was hoping that this would happen so I could correct it



PKMichelle says...


no problem!! keep up the hardwork!!!




Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby