Hello again, friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.
Per my interpretation, this was absolutely a better chapter than the last one! I had a lot of fun reading it, and interesting new information was introduced to keep the readers invested.
Everly is adjusting to her new life and the apartment she's living in. She also has to prepare to go to a new school, which is something that is daunting to her, especially when she finds out she might have to go to speech therapy. On top of these two issues, she also has problems within her family, getting made fun of by not only her brother but her father as well.
This adds a lot of fascinating conflict to the story and makes for a fun read! With all of the new information and the new conflict, there are a lot of directions this story could go, and I'm excited to see what might happen!
If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be a very small thing. I think you did a much better job with this chapter in regards to your details and sentence structure. But there is just one thing that caught me up.
You do a really good job adding speech modifiers, but there was a part that seemed a little confusing in a sense.
“No!“ She says firmly, loudly.
I feel like the way it says "firmly, loudly" doesn't make much sense. I think it would sound and read a lot better if you got rid of "loudly" altogether or changed it to "firmly and loudly" or "firmly but loudly" to look like this:
“No!“ She says firmly and loudly.
But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.
If I had to pick my favorite part, it would definitely be the way a lot of the situations were super realistic. It makes the story feel more enticing and much more digestible to read!
One example of this that I really liked was when Everly and Mark were arguing about Everly speaking Ukrainian. The way Mark threw insults her way and the way she responded were both very sibling-like.
“Why? Ukrainian is better,” I say in a teasing voice, again in Ukrainian.
“No it's not. It sounds like animal noises and makes my head hurt.“
“English makes my head hurt.“
“And when you speak it, you sound like a kindergartener. Learn how to talk.“
“I'm working on it.“
“Work harder. Its annoying,” Mark yells from the couch.
And Mark saying that something Everly can't control is annoying is definitely a sibling trait that you captured really well!
Another thing I really liked is the way you introduced the main character's name! Maybe I just missed it in the last chapter, but this is the first time I saw it, and I thought it was not only funny but really neat as well.
“Everly, what the heck?“
The nonchalance behind this quote and Leya just saying it because that was what she was thinking makes it an even better way to reveal the main character's name, so kudos to you for that very creative introduction of sorts!
Overall, this was a fantastic addition to the novel, and it certainly brought a lot more to the table in regards to future conflicts. I had a lot of fun reading it and taking in all that was being said! I look forward to the next chapter and the advancements that come with it!
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review was of some use to you!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!
Points: 39462
Reviews: 151
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