Beep

This should be classified as a short story? Because this doesn't match the specifics of an essay and feels fictional.
Even if it isn't fiction, an essay also has commentary on the event itself in case that it contains the description of an event. It is more analytical, and aims to make a point, usually.

Now moving on to the actual review.
I agree with the latter parts of @AstralHunter 's review, so I will try not to repeat what they've said.

1. I like how you place words in places that weren't expected but just in the right amount and the right way. That is actually an integral part of showing-not-telling, and it works wonderfully well in places. (That "I have never felt so helpless as that day, that week, sitting all alone in an empty house, alone save the occasional exhausted parent or two who didn’t have the energy to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay." is a good example.)

2. The premise of the story is interesting too, since it sets up a a realistic family and protagonist initially.

3. However, there is not a clear link between the disparate aspects of the story, as each paragraph goes off on its own tangent. By the last paragraph, I was hoping that it would all come together in a genius' flourish, but that didn't happen. There are times when a writer needs to be cryptic, but this wasn't such a piece, since you're trying to present one complete idea ( or so I hope) in an essay or a short story. Adding one or two paragraphs that or even a couple good lines to each paragraph would lift this story to another level.

3. Even if you're working within a word limit, it's almost never a good idea to not present the complete idea of what you're writing, to the reader, in however cryptic a way. If you were actually working within a limit, then too, it might have been better if you had cut out the fluff
i."That incessant and infuriating beep, ever constant, never ceasing." incessant means never ceasing. Try to avoid repetitive words/phrases.
ii. Some sentences had superfluous parts like "Eventually I learned to block it out, to bury the pain so deep that even I couldn't find it." the part before the comma in this one or the one after it put together make the other redundant. There are other examples but you probably get the point.

4. Currently I was left floundering between who's who. In first and second paragraphs I get a vibe of a household missing an important members and the narrator feels all kinds of strongly about it. Then in the third one there's mention of pain. What kind of pain? whose pain? What was the reason for the inevitability of the dam bursting? What was the fallout that was incredibly destructive?
Then in the 4th paragraph, I couldn't tell if it referred to the narrator or her sister. The 5th one tells me it's the narrator, since she was the one who heard the beeping alarm (or is it?) in the first place, thought that is confused in parts because the sister was supposed to be hearing the beeping too ?
All of these questions don't have to be answered, but some do.

4. Try to avoid cliches like "sinking pits in my stomach" " the dam burst" " get up, brush herself off and try again" . They can't be entirely removed, but the often rob the piece of its genuineness.

5. There's a wonderfully detached, kind of third-person feel in parts in this first person tale that's actually fresh. Like it were happening to another. That can happen unintentionally in which case it's to be avoided, or it can be done like you did. This shows potential of a great short story and if you ever re-work it, please tag me !

And keep writing, it is the way!

Salutations!

I love when short works are moving. It shows that you don't need many words to leave an impression on your readers. Of course, I'm massively biased towards writing expansive stories, so I never excelled at this myself. Your work is relatively memorable, which is great! You want readers to reflect on what they had just read.


I was initially surprised that you categorised this as an essay, rather than a short story, but then I realised creative writing essays are generally about this long. The general/general genre classing is potentially misleading, though, as I'd definitely consider this something like creative/realistic instead.

In the first paragraph, you set the tone and theme of the essay. The repeated use of "beep"
is good for echoing the protagonist's frustration, but be careful. If you wanted to make the reader frustrated with it as well, then using it this much is quite clever. If you hadn't intended that, though, I recommend using a different word every now and then, e.g. saying "That incessant and infuriating sound, ever constant, never ceasing." (As a side note, "incessant" and "never ceasing" quite literally mean the same thing.)

When I read the second paragraph, I found myself confused. If the sister is in a ward of a nearby hospital, why is there beeping inside the house where the protagonist is waiting? It could be that the protagonist cannot shake the memory of the electrocardiogram's beeping, but it would be better to mention that outright. The opening paragraph makes it sound like the protagonist is the one confined to a hospital bed, which is fine and the reader follows until it's mentioned the protagonist is waiting in an empty house. After all, if both had been in an accident, it would make perfect sense if both were in urgent need of medical attention.

The second and third paragraphs adequately describe the emotional state of the speaker and their parents. The conveyance of the parents' burden in the second paragraph in particular was well-written, for which I commend you. The speaker's mental condition isn't much better, since they admit to internalising their feelings until they cannot suppress them anymore.

The fourth paragraph is where it gets hopelessly confusing. Not only did you not elaborate on the outburst mentioned at the end of the previous paragraph, but you also become even vaguer and obscure in your meaning. For which girl does the speaker hurt? Their sister? Themselves (assuming they're female, which they would be in this instance)? And the list of descriptions that follow are subsequently confusing as well, since you're not clear enough about who is being referenced. Because of this, even the concluding line is less impactful.


Clarity and brevity are important in making an essay worth the read, and though yours was enjoyable, it lacked the former, which then muddied the latter. If you were working within the constraints of a word limit, that's understandable, but when posting something online, you're free to edit and improve it. Avoiding confusion is essential to coherent writing, so be sure to provide the necessary input during the proofreading and editing phase.

~ Hunter