Young Writers Society

Hello!

the water leaked through the floorboards,
you can't convince me i'm lying this time.
knee deep in water,
you threw a dishcloth at me, screamed
that i should fix this--
i knelt to the floor and tried to soak it up.

Omg, I am in love with this imagery. Like... since I own a house, the water leaking through floorboards means water damage and flooding, which is like... really really bad news. And then you talk about being knee deep in water, which further emphasizes how bad everything is. If this is happening, there's a definite chance that your house might actually collapse, which is BAD NEWS BEARS.

But also, I love how the narrator has their own sassy comebacks, like, "you can't convince me I'm lying this time." Like, it seems incredible that one would even try to lie about this because obviously it's such a big problem? But then, I've known people who try to brush away big problems as nothing until they are literally facing imminent disaster! So this is realistic. So like... it seems like the narrator and their... antagonist?... are finally coming to some sort of point where the antagonist is literally forced to recognize that there is imminent disaster coming.

But -- and this is the crazy part -- the antagonist, while recognizing the disaster, still doesn't realize how bad it is. Like, the narrator is knee deep in water and... a dishcloth is supposed to soak that up? What's even more crazy is that the narrator follows through with this advice. It's like, since this is the first time the antagonist recognizes the disaster, the narrator is willing to do whatever is said to try to fix the situation, though obviously the situation isn't fixable.

Anyway, it's such powerful imagery conveyed in such a succinct, evocative way, and I am totally here for that. I love this stanza so much.

For the rest of the poem... I feel like you try to branch out to some other imagery so that it feels like several different poems? Honestly... I think you might actually be better off to constrain yourself with the imagery of the first stanza.

So like, instead of talking about the sea and your salty tears dissolving the sea, you might consider extending your metaphor and saying something like:

But a dishcloth cannot soak up the sea
crashing into the house
or the tears that I've cried
while whispering to the waves
carrying us away
that everything is fine.

...or like. Clearly, you can probably think of something better since this is your poem, but like. Try to extend the metaphor a bit. That first stanza is so powerful and I think you can totally turn into a gut-wrenching poem.

Anyway! Hope that helps. ^^ Let me know if you have any questions for me.

A Fated Meeting :

Hello Hello, it seems we have crossed paths and I dare to say that this was destiny. Without further ado, I am Moonlily and today I will be using my Everboundain method. Let’s deconstruct this tapestry of words, shall we?


Fate’s First Look:

Chem I adore this! You outdid yourself with this poem. I cant find the right words to tell you how much I liked this. All of it is so good it's hard to pick a spot to start however I pick a place nonetheless.

Everything is so vivid and overflowing with imagery. No pun intended, the whole poem comes off as very raw and personal. This only adds to how emotional this piece is and how small details like the journal stick in the reader's mind.

Furthermore, the water leaking into the floorboards like a sinking ship is an amazing metaphor for the relationship. The issue cant be ignored and it is so striking!


An Occult Standing Ovation:

With all that being said, I think it's time to get into the highlights. I hope you are ready for an occult standing ovation. Dont worry it's not as scary as it sounds but it might be a tad hellish.

those salty tears of mine dissolved into the sea,

betraying my own promises.

This is such a cutting line. In a way, it reminds me of both the original Little Mermaid by Hans Christain Anderson as well as Selikes. Often those types of love stories involving the sea never end happily. This creates some great foreshadowing.

i remember you running your fingers over those

indents in the paper.

As I said before, there's something so raw and personal in a good way. I can picture this as a soft sweet moment that quickly went bitter and controlling at the same time. The way you paint this makes it clear that although once dear to you they weren't an ideal partner.

my quill would be dry.

I don't much else other than to say this one impactful line! It feels like watching someone begin to stand up for their worth and I adore it. Remember you are defined by how others treat you.


Guidance Of The Tarot Deck:

Now I think this is the time where I would convene with my cards to see what wisdom they hold. Please do keep in mind that I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all!

You are in luck because the cards all had good things to say. I could only find one small thing I wish to comment on.

I do understand if not capitalizing the I's is a stylistic choice. However, I feel either having them all capitalized or slowly capitalizing them as your anger grows would make the lines even more cutting.



Wrapped Up With A Soulmate String:

Sadly I think our meeting has come to an end. I want to thank you for your beautiful poetry it was amazingly done. I also want to wish you luck on your Revmo journey! I hope we will cross paths again.

As always stay creative and Drink water!