Young Writers Society

Hello, Gem!

It's been a while since you posted last. Glad to read, as always.

So, my thoughts? Hard to say. On one hand, the lack of punctuation makes it hard to read; but I get the sense you used words like "cascade" and "vomit" to allow yourself to release your words without worry of criticism. It's very well-done, in my opinion. In an odd way, this reminds me of Ted Hughes' poems; some of them are tough to get through and follow no structure at all, but poetry is meant to be free. Yours is as free as a bird, and I love it for that.
It's admittedly a little tricky to read, but that doesn't demean its quality at all.

i love and i hate life the beautiful nightmare i pursue

and i will not stop for anyone

Hey there, LadyGemstone. Morri here to review your poem.

The first thing I noticed about this piece is the atmospheric imagery. You start with an image that frames the piece (haha get it? because it's a frame), and concrete imagery is a great way to anchor a poem in reality.

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address.

While I complimented your initial image, the theme of the picture frame does not carry throughout the whole poem as a proper framing device. You quickly turn away from concrete imagery in favor of indulgent abstract words like "perfect," "joy," "love," "hate," "life," and "beautiful." By using these words instead of continuing to compare emotions to a concrete image, you are telling the reader how you are feeling instead of drawing them into the poem. I recommend rewriting the poem and keeping the initial motif of the family picture frame in mind, while purposely avoiding words that tell the reader how to feel.

This poem seems to start with a direction, but it fizzles out. It seems like the narrator is going to talk about their family relationships, but instead turns into them hating their life. While you and I both know that our families can make us hate our lives, there isn't a clear connection between the two points in the poem. Try to connect and anchor the poem.

I usually don't comment on punctuation or capitalization because it is a stylistic choice, and I understand that. I hate getting reviews that just say "I found a mistake! You need to capitalize!" You're not making any mistakes here, but I do think that the style of your poem would benefit from conventional punctuation. While there are areas in which I can understand how the lack of punctuation benefits the stream-of-consciousness-esque style that you might have been going for, there are also areas in which it suffers.

and my aching chest i vomit emotions unable to stop the cascade

am struck and fade away only to imbue another outburst of false joy and real tears

'Ello, I haven't reviewed a poem in a long while.

I love the style choices. Everything is almost in a mush, and it almost seems like the "vomiting emotions" part because of the lack of punctuation. Although, I must say that it does get harder to read throughout, but the poem itself makes up for all of those nitpicks. Everything is thought out well, and there is good detail everywhere.

I do think that the situation the reader is put in while reading is hard to get a good feel of. I see wood, and then there is lots of emotion, so really it is hard to get into the narrater's mindset as it could all be a metaphor for tough times, or it could be something happening in real-time, so it's up to the reader to understand the shoes they are in. That is a good thing in some ways, but it could make everything hazy.

The word choice of "imbue another outburst of false joy and real tears" is confusing because of the way it's talked about. The word imbue means "inspire or permeate with," so it doesn't make sense to me. You can inspire an outburst, yes, but the word is mainly used when talking about opinions. Now, this is something I could be wrong about, so take this lightly.

Overall, great poem. I hope this was helpful.

Axiom