Young Writers Society

Hi hannah314159,

Mailice here with a short review!

It's a bit difficult to adequately review your work, as it seems to me like a beautiful memory that you are internalising here, trying to portray it in the most lyrical way.

You've definitely succeeded in that. It's a great pleasure to jump from line to line, and to be taken to a new description or partial metaphor. It seems like a joyful time that you want to immortalise here and you portray it with a pleasant tone.

We play tag while our joyful shouts weave into a sonata played by an instrument that melts all of our trivial worries and frustrations.

Whether or not is ignites cannot always be determined but sometimes their eyes brighten, their faces relax and they open the curtains.

They put their hands under their chins and watch as our bare feet turn green with dewy grass while the sky turns orange and then becomes an ombré of yellow, green, and blue.

And I’ll never forget the sound of the men's laughter, my grandpa’s deep voice, the women comforting frustrated children, my grandma sighing at the “adult boys” when they told less than appropriate jokes and even at the mildest of swear words all the while innocently giggling, and our happy screams when we almost got tagged all at once.

Hiya Hannah!

I'm here for a quick review.

I really liked this essay. This is marked as 'Lyrics: Lyrical, Literature' in categories and genre, and I think this can be corrected by going to the Publishing Center tab. That being said, here's my review.

Its not often that I get this overwhelming sense of nostalgia from reading a personal essay like this. I like that this narrative is woven together like a story that somebody's grandma may tell, which is very on-theme here.

I really like how you take pleasure in the smallest of things -- the evening breeze and the backyard grass. I like how you visualize these stories -- the metaphors and descriptions being very on point.

Some examples:
'Grandma's infamous pumpkin pie and scalloped potatoes are the best tastes that have ever danced upon my tongue.'
Or the way you described the nighttime sky as a blanket with these stars as peeping blankets.

Some suggestions:
While this story structure works very well in spoken word form, it gets quite tedious and somewhat dizzying to skim through long sentences. Shorter sentences are preferable as such.

Anyways, I really enjoyed this piece.

Keep on writing, young writer!

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a very wholesome read! I loved the feeling of nostalgia that could be felt in every line of the piece. It felt as if we were getting a glimpse into the narrator's memory of her childhood days, something that is deeply personal and special. I loved the way you have presented the past through the present tense, making it seem as though those days and moments cherished with the narrator's family are not over, but are simply waiting for everyone to realize the essence of this forgotten childhood. It brings a sense of finality to the thought that childhood indeed is an irreplaceable part of one's life.

The story/essay felt like a warm and comfortable hug (don't know if that made sense). Sometimes it read like poetry, especially with some of the imageries you have included with the sky and the stars and the green dewy grass. I could very well imagine the narrator playing in the backyard with their cousins and this easy visual representation brought a smile to my face. I also liked how you presented the neighbors as though they were outsiders like us, looking in and trying to appreciate this fleeting glimpse of innocence and joy before they have to move on with their respective lives.

However, there are some points that I feel you could work on. Like Miss Gangamash pointed out, the story does lack structure. The second paragraph seemed to come off as a repetition of the first paragraph, but with more details and character references like with the men, women and the Grandparents. All of those add a very personal touch to the piece, but it works better if you can lay it within a structure that works for you. Otherwise, your readers might get confused about what they are supposed to take from the story even though your message is clear and apparent from the very beginning.

Also, I think you should try to avoid so many long sentences. While long sentences can be used to create a kind of literary effect in the narration, more than often we put so much content in them that the real meaning that we are trying to convey gets lost between all those words. For example, that sentence where you are portraying significant memories with all these different individuals, I think it will work better if you give each memory some space to develop on their own instead of stringing them all together in a single sentence. That way they leave a greater impact and feel more significant.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hello! Here to review!

I liked the energy of this piece. There is some beautiful imagery. I especially liked the sky being a blanket with the lantern light poking through. It gives a sense of comfort and secrecy and childhood when you'd build forts or stay up too late reading/ playing a game under the covers.

'It attracts the eyes of neighbors, who peek out from behind their curtains at the noise that to some seem too loud but to those who understand like music.' - the ending to this sentence reads a bit weird. I don't know if you missed a bit or cut it off.

I like the picture you've created of the family and all their little roles they play, and the mixture of nostalgia but also acceptance that that time is over.

Overall, I think there are really good parts to this piece but it needs a bit of reworking. It doesn't read like there is a solid beginning, middle and end. It's good to have a thread running through the story that ties it all together. You mention bare feet quite a bit, with the soles turning green with the grass (really like that) and then they're mentioned again with the dusk tickling their feet. You could use that as the thing weaving it all together. The last image could also be the narrators feet and how they've changed, maybe they're not bare anymore? Because the bareness of the feet is a symbol of childhood adventure and whimsy, and now maybe the feet are nestled in thick, comfy socks as the narrator sits by their fireplace.

Hope this helps!