Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Action / Adventure

12+

The Finders Ch.2

by shatteredstones


Chapter 2 - Bells



"No, but... It's so...pretty..." Jashir looks back at the light. His eyes fix on it and he begins to move as if in a trance, no longer seeking assistance. He walks into Fern Grove with a new and alarming confidence, and the trees slowly begin to close around him as if called upon. Leikin can now only see a red glow where the light was. In the distance there is a quiet but eerie sound, a tinkling that can't quite be heard correctly. It however isn't the focus of Leikin’s thoughts.



Jashir's strange actions immediately alarm his companion. Jashir hates that forest, why would he head towards it with such ambition? Leikin queries, "Hey! Where are you going?"



Getting no reply from his courteous friend, he becomes even more distressed- running after Jashir now. "Jashi hey, at least let me catch up!" He decides to follow him, maybe he knows the way after all.



Leikin gets to the edge of the forest before he sees Jashir's figure disappear into the mist. His blue eyes widen as he tries to squeeze through the ever diminishing space between the rough barked trees. This isn't Jashir he thinks to himself, Jashir needs help.



He is desperate now clawing and fighting with the trees as they close in on him. This is my fault. I sent Jashi in there. He paws at the ferns and saplings uselessly his strength building with every sobering thought of the past. Reflections of a lone wood elf playing in the meadow go through his head, large for his age and blonde. A brightly colored chap who couldn't hide in a tree if he wanted too.



Leikin pauses taking a deep breath and allowing the memories to drive him. That boy was him, the same boy who was sneaking into taverns at sixteen to drown his sorrows behind the barkeeps back two long years ago. The same boy who snuck into a high elf encampment to try to fit in with anyone, even his race's most hated rivals. It was he who found Jashir alone in his studies. A small dark-toned high elf, outed from the social groups. His obvious differences were a familiar trope, in him Leikin found a new friend. The only person he ever truly needed.



I am getting Jashir out again. He breaks through the twisted branches with a last minute effort. They rip at his clothes as he runs into the Grove of trees. He arrives only to see a shred of Jashi's fine blue tunic in the underbrush. As the light dances on further ahead of him. No, no I can make it to him!



He grabs the shred of cloth and continues in the direction of the red glow that is dimly moving ahead of him, panting he yells "Jashi! Jashi stop! Jashi, wait! This doesn't feel right!" Something is wrong.



He keeps following the dancing light dragging his heavy clothes and tired body through the muck, trudging and fighting through the thorns. The tinkling sound grows lighter as he goes further into the dark forest, and the light fades. He can no longer tell if it's even daylight outside the canopy.



If I can just get a little closer... At one point he almost reaches Jashir's hand. He has to keep moving ahead. Jashir can't walk this far without stopping, my legs burn already. He's never been as fit as me.



It seems everything in the forest is trying to block Leikin now. Every bush and vine is pulling at his aching limbs, yet not one plant succeeds as he pushes through.

The light goes out ahead of him and the sound fades but he keeps running after Jashir. He pushes one thought to the front of his mind in denial or hope he's not sure. Jashir needs help, he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind. He finally falls prey to exhaustion, tripping over what he acknowledges as a log. He has failed. He has lost Jashi. The only friend he had left in the world, his soul is downcast as he falls into a deep slumber.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
80 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 80

Donate
Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:38 pm
View Likes
shatteredstones says...



reboot




User avatar
132 Reviews


Points: 11040
Reviews: 132

Donate
Thu Sep 03, 2020 9:00 pm
View Likes
Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello Gem,

I'm back with another review!

"No... It's so....pretty...." Jashir looks back at the light his eyes fixed on it and he begins to move as if in a trance. Walking into the Fern Grove with new and alarming confidence.

No, Jashir! Don't follow the red light!

This chapter starts off with a bang. Immediately, the conflict arises and the readers are sucked into it again.

Theory:
Spoiler! :
The red lights are sinister; they lead our protagonists somewhere horrible, so they don't find the faeries


I would add a comma between light and his eyes because that indicated a pause. Also, I don't think you can start a sentence with a word that ends in -ing, so we can reword that.

"No... It's so... pretty..." Jashir looks back at the light, his eyes fixed on it, and he begins toward it as if he was in a trance. He walks into the Fern Grove with new and alarming confidence.


I would add more commas throughout the chapter, like these two:

The light goes out ahead of him and the sound fades but he keeps running after Jashir.


Add a comma before "but" since it is a conjunction, joining two independent clauses.

Jashir needs help he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind.


Add a comma after "help."

Jashir needs help, he needs my help. He is lost; he's lost his mind.


Whenever Leikin thinks, the words should be italicized. It makes it easier to follow.

The light goes out ahead of him and the sound fades but he keeps running after Jashir. He pushes one thought to the front of his mind in denial or hope he's not sure. Jashir needs help he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind. He finally falls prey to exhaustion, tripping over what he aknowkledges as a log. He has failed. He has lost Jashi. The only friend he had left in the world. His soul is downcast as he falls into a deep slumber.


No, Leikin! You can't give up!

My heart is breaking.

(Overall, this was a great second chapter!)
Athena






Thank you <3



User avatar
415 Reviews


Points: 21303
Reviews: 415

Donate
Sat Aug 29, 2020 6:10 pm
View Likes
Seirre wrote a review...



Hi Gem! I'm back for Chapter 2 <3

There's barely any dialogue in this chapter, which I actually think is a good thing, since it balances out the previous one really nicely! I also like how to compensate for such little conversation we get to see Leikin's thoughts.

(Speaking of his thoughts, I have a stylistic suggestion about those - I think it would make it easier to read if they were italicized. That's because a lot of the time you'll have Leikin thinking about "he/him" (Jashi) and then you'll switch back to the narrator's view and have "he/him" be referring to Leikin. So if it was italicized, that would probably clear up a bit of the pronoun confusion, if that makes sense. In the spoiler below I put all the spots that should be italicized if you decide to do that.)

Spoiler! :
Leikin is immediately alarmed by Jashir's strange actions. Jashir hates that forest why would he head towards it like that? "Hey! Where are you going?"

This isn't Jashir he thinks to himself, Jashir needs help.

This is my fault. I sent Jashi in there.

I am getting Jashir out again.

No, no I can make it to him!

Jashir needs help he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind.


(This is a stylistic choice though so if you prefer it how it is then that's up to you!)


Now onto some other stuff ~

Leikin gets to the edge of the forest before he sees Jashir's figure dissapear into the mist.

*disappear
Nuuuu Jashi come back it isn't safe in there!

Leikin pauses taking a deep breath and allowing the memories to drive him.

Technically this should either be "and allows" or just "[comma] allowing".
I also really like that we get a bit of background about Leikin and Jashi in the following paragraph!

He keeps following the dancing light dragging his clothes and tired body through the trudgy muck and fighting through the thorns.

I'm pretty sure trudgy isn't a word. Maybe you could try "mucky sludge" or something like that instead?

The tinkling sound grows lighter as he goes further into the dark forest, and the light fades. He can no longer tell if it's even daylight outside.

I love this description, it works really well to set the mood.

Everything in the forest is trying to block Leikin now, Every bush and vine pulling at his aching limbs.

This is super teeny, but that E should be lowercase ;)

He has lost Jashi. The only friend he had left in the world. His soul is downcast as he falls into a deep slumber.

Nuuuuuu Leikin Jashiiiiiii </33333333

All in all, I think this chapter does a good job of developing Leikin's character! You also do a good job of describing the setting which is great! My main critique for this chapter is pretty nitpicky, and would just be italicizing Leikin's thoughts.

I hope this is useful! Can't wait to see what happens in Chapter 3 :)

Loonz <3






Thank you. and oop I docter suessed a word....



User avatar
3299 Reviews


Points: 350316
Reviews: 3299

Donate
Sat Aug 29, 2020 2:35 pm
View Likes
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Hmm...lovely bit of action in this one...got a tad repetitive there towards the end a little...I'll tell you what I mean down there. Besides that, great place to divulge a bit of backstory there, it meshed well enough I think without too much info dumpiness although it did sort of sit on the fence there for a bit. Aaand that's it on first impression.

Let's get right to them nitpicks,

"No.... It's so....pretty...." Jashir looks back at the light his eyes fixed on it and he begins to move as if in a trance. Walking into the Fern Grove with new and alarming confidence.


Hmm... lovely place to star there. That second sentence might be a sentence fragment though, it doesn't have a subject. You'll have to ass that to the previous one or rephrase it a bit.

The trees slowly begin to close around him, and only a red glow remains where the light was. There is a quiet but eerie sound, a tinkling that Leikin can't quite hear correctly. It however isn't the focus of his thoughts.


Great tension building there.

Getting no reply he becomes even more distressed running after Jashir now. "Jashi come back! Hey, at least let me catch up!" He decides to follow him, maybe he knows the way after all?


I love the slow buildup here. Pretty well done.

He is desperate now clawing and fighting with the trees as they close in on him. This is my fault. I sent Jashi in there. He paws at the ferns and saplings uselessly his strength building with every sobering thought of the past. Reflections of a lone woodelf playing in the meadow go through his head, large for his age and blonde. A brightly colored chap who couldn't hide in a tree if he wanted too.


So this bit of backstory it pretty seamless. This kind of stuff is okay to have. But later things start getting dangerous.

Leikin pauses taking a deep breath and allowing the memories to drive him. That boy was him, the same boy who was sneaking into taverns at sixteen to drown his lonely sorrows behind the barkeeps back. The same boy who snuck into a high elf encampment to try to fit in with anyone, even his race's most hated rivals. The same boy who found Jashir alone in his studies. A small dark highelf, outed from the social groups. A familiar trope, a new friend. A best friend. An only companion. The only person he ever needed.


So here's where things get dodgy. Its not approaching info dump levels but the issue is that we're in the middle of this intense chase and then this happens. Maybe two lines of these memories would be fine otherwise things get a little bit interrupted and the tension drains off a bit. This might make more sense towards the end where he is giving up the chase and then he remembers those last few lines. Just my suggestion there because I think the overall flow would benefit from that.

He grabs the shred of cloth and continues in the direction of the red glow that is dimly moving ahead of him, panting he yells "Jashi!!!! Jashi stop! Jashi wait! This doesn't feel right!" Something is wrong.

He keeps following the dancing light dragging his clothes and tired body through the trudgy muck and fighting through the thorns. The tinkling sound grows lighter as he goes further into the dark forest, and the light fades. He can no longer tell if it's even daylight outside.

If I can just get a little closer... At one point he almost reaches Jashir's hand. He has to keep moving ahead. Jashir can't walk this far without stopping, my legs burn already. He's never been as fit as me.


So here's what I meant with repetitiveness. All three paragraphs are describing him going after Jashir with different things to accompany it. I get like maybe doing it twice to show how he's just continuously following but three times is a bit much. I think if you just mention it once or maximum twice and then simply leave the other descriptions it wouldn't sound quite as repetitive as it sounds at the moment at least when I read it that's the feeling I got...this might be different for others.

The light goes out ahead of him and the sound fades but he keeps running after Jashir. He pushes one thought to the front of his mind in denial or hope he's not sure. Jashir needs help he needs my help he is lost, he's lost his mind. He finally falls prey to exhaustion, tripping over what he aknowkledges as a log. He has failed. He has lost Jashi. The only friend he had left in the world. His soul is downcast as he falls into a deep slumber.


So here that bit of backstory might serve a better purpose. But other than that it's an awesome ending that you have here. Definitely building a ton of suspense.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Okay overall I really like where this is going. It's got a really nice fantasy/mystery vibe to it and I love that stuff. I must know what happens to Jashir So far I love the characterization, Leikin has a very distinct personality from what I've seen so far and that's nice to see at the start of a story. And there seems to be some worldbuilding in the background which is quite solid so far. Plot wise this is a great place to start....let's see how things go.

Spoiler! :
Brain: Commence theories


As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you. <3



User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 2170
Reviews: 52

Donate
Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:55 am
View Likes
VioletFantasy wrote a review...



Hello!

VioletFantasy here to give you a quick review. I really am enjoying your novel so far! It is so thrilling and full of action, especially this chapter. You wrote such vivid imagery to describe the forest and how it is fighting against Leikin(I love this name by the way!! It reminds me of lichen). I could feel my heart pounding as I waited to read whether he reaches Jashir(Another cool name!) in time. Sadly, Jashir Is swallowed up by the forest. That does leave the readers on a cliffhanger though, and it promises a good adventure for us to read in the future chapters.

I greatly enjoyed Jashir and Leikin’s relationship. They pretend like they aren’t that close by teasing and making fun of each. They clearly mean a lot to each other though, after seeing Leikin desperately trying to save him. Jashir is Leikin’s first friend, and that is a hard bond to break. I can’t wait to read more about them!!

I have one little grammar critique for this sentence:

He is desperate now clawing and fighting with the trees as they close in on him.


I think this sentence could use a comma between “now” and “clawing”. This would split it up a little more and make it easier to read. Other than that, I have no complaints! Good job! I will definitely be waiting excitedly for the next chapter!! :)






I put a lot of thought into the names and yes lichen was an inspiration for Leikin. I have updates on my wall with the tag # TheFinders. I am glad to have someone so very interested in my series. :>



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 7750
Reviews: 200

Donate
Fri Aug 28, 2020 5:59 pm
View Likes
mothbroth wrote a review...



'Ello again!

First thing I have to mention, this is wild. The descriptive words mixed with the action of Jashir really draw a portrait of where we are in the story. There is definitely something going on, and my guess is evil faeries because last chapter and the slight bits of magic referenced (e.g. The vines blocking Leikin, the red lights, and Jashir acting like he is under a spell.)

Reading this is complicated. There are some small pov changes. One sentence is 3rd person and talking about everyone as a narrator, and then a few more over we are in Leikin's head and he's talking about Jashir as a friend. I honestly like both povs, but changing between two of them like that gets hard to read through in some areas.

This is also kind of heartbreaking because of how Leikin feels about Jashir. If I were in his shoes I'd react the same way. It isn't too emotional, but it also isn't plain and simple, so it's a nice mix of all these emotions. I can't wait to read through chapter 3 and see what happens to everyone and the storyline.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some grammar things down here:

"His blue eyes widen as he tries to squeeze through the ever diminishing space between the trees. "

I think it's "ever-diminishing."

"He finally falls prey to exhaustion, tripping over what he aknowkledges as a log."

I also think it's "acknowledges."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, this is awesome - Keep writing!

Axi






Thank you! <3




I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser