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Pain of the Past

by questfinder33


My legs, my arms

Scattered scars.

They hunt me,

Hurt me.

My thoughts, my words

broken swords

they scare me,

chase me.

My heart knows of no rest

My body knows of no ease

It's a destructive past,

A bruised war.

I can't run,

Can't hide.

Hope is gone,

My love lied.


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16 Reviews


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Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:16 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi! First of all, I think you've created a pretty good rhythm with this poem. To me, the short lines create a fast-paced dramatic effect that makes your words more impactful overall. I also like how you've linked most of the imagery in your poem to a unifying theme: violence and fighting, for instance, "hunt me", "broken swords" and "a bruised war" as a sort of extended metaphor for past experiences.

One comment I have is regarding your punctuation and capitalisation. In some parts, you begin the next line with a capital letter even though it's supposed to be a continuation of the sentence from the previous line, which somewhat breaks the flow. For example,
"They hunt me,
Hurt me."
This would probably look better as:
"They hunt me,
hurt me."

I also think you could probably leave out the "of" in "My heart knows of no rest."
"My heart knows no rest, my body knows no ease." seems to flow better, in my opinion.

Another thing I would suggest would be to add more of a build-up (foreshadowing, of sorts) to your last line "My love lied." Within the context, I interpreted this line in a few ways: 1.) that a loved one/ lover lied, therefore hope is gone 2.) Love itself caused you to see a situation wrongly, make an unwise decision, thus resulting in pain. Regardless of which one you mean, I'd suggest hinting at the connection with love more throughout the piece, maybe by adding a few more lines. Otherwise, it feels as if "lied" is just there to rhyme with "hide" obligatorily.

Hope this helps, and keep writing!




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Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:47 am
wafflewolf7 wrote a review...



NOOOOOOO!! This is sooo sad! You know ily right? And my PM box is always open...

The only thing I'd add to this poem besides a great big hug from me to you is the word had in the last line.

"Can't hide
Hope is gone
My love lied."

I think it would sound better if you put:

"Can't hide
Hope is gone
My love has lied."

Just makes the flow better, ya know?

Anyway- cheer up! (I know that's not in your power, that's just my way of sending whatever smiles and butterflies left in your direction :) )






I had it like the way you say to change it but then someone told me to change it.



wafflewolf7 says...


Ok cool! As long as you like what you wrote! Are you feeling better today?





Not really.



wafflewolf7 says...


Aww- I hope things get better! Sometimes life sucks... but it makes the good times all that much better!



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13 Reviews


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Wed Nov 07, 2018 3:56 pm
Muzzammil wrote a review...



Hey questfinder,

Muzzammil here for a review,

First off all , i really like the context of the poem , it is very deep and sad , and heart touching too. The poem is simple and nice . Your lines are short but great . I love the way you describe it and the intresting words you used. Title is absolutely amazing , it got my attention right away. The poem is very much linked with the title . I love it and hope you keep on writing like this , and reach the top . If the poem is also linked with your life , i am very sorry , i wish you will have a bright future.


You can also visit my profile, give your reviews as well , it will be very inspiring.




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171 Reviews


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Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:46 am
Shikora wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here.

Wow this was just a lovely poem. It's so true in a way, it's kind of sad. I really like the name to the poem, it got my attention right form the start, and as I read through your poem I new what you meant by the title. So great choice.
Your lines in the poem were short and simple, but that was really nice. It just let my eyes flow over the words, it had a nice feeling to it. I'm going to be honest with you here, I think this poem is good enough to publish, yup that's what I think.
I couldn't find anything wrong with this poem, so I wrote you a nice review. I hope you never stop writing and I hope to see more of your words on the sight soon. I hope you have a great day/night.






Thank you so much! i'm actually going to publish this in my school's literary magazine soon.



Shikora says...


OH that's great. I'm so happy for you. I hope everyone likes it.





I hope so too!



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Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:33 am
arden wrote a review...



Hi, there! Arden here to review your work!
Let's go ahead and jump right in.

This poem was an interesting mix of mystery and action. You seem to have introduced a character who just keeps going, despite his/her's wounds from those in their past. Our protagonist is battling both inner and outer foes that attack him/her from all sides constantly. That's rough. I can't imagine being in such a situation and I felt empathy for this character, which is good. Especially for you, the writer, as you made me feel that way with this piece and that can be tough to do. Good work!

I did have a few issues with this piece, though, and they are the following:
1. You were quite vague with your words, which did not benefit the piece. In fact, I was fairly confused with a large chunk of your work and I was frankly unsatisfied in that sense. More detail could have definetely been incoporated, as I was left with a lot of unanswered questions and the responsibility to carry the work along with my imagination. A bit of wonder left up to the reader is good, but too much can leave them feeling lost.

2. The rhythm could be improved. It didn't seem like you were trying to keep a specific beat, which bothered me. In writing, it's good to have a balance and a constant flow so you have something to refer to when you're trying to figure out how you want to incorporate phrases/words into your work.

3. As I said before, some of your word choices seemed to be off and didn't fit the idea I got from this piece. More could have been added without overdoing it, but it seems a bit dry and the words you did use didn't do much to help keep this poem on its feet.

Overall, I did enjoy this. I found a few lines very pleasing to the eye, and you've definitely got the spark and skill to improve. I hope my review helped!
Cheers (and keep writing!)

Arden






Thank you for the feedback! i'm not one for writing longer poetry. My poems are usually a few lines long. I usually write short stores as well. Thank you again!!!



arden says...


Of course!!



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Tue Nov 06, 2018 7:32 pm
Bellarke says...



WHY SO GLUM, CHUM???






Because i have a crappy past that keeps bothering me and i have no way of getting over it.



Bellarke says...


:C





don't be sad. i'm fine. at least i think i am.



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Tue Nov 06, 2018 7:01 pm
avocadostories says...







There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket