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16+ Mature Content

~when no one can judge me~

by queenshadowgem


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

there are those days when people are doing their own things,

i say hi and they respond late to me, so i devise a plan, a security

and it doesnt always work, maybe they'll say hi first or maybe not,
but it doesn't stop the feeling when the conversation dials down...
when they are busy and i'm the only one who seems to want to talk, my mind says:
they don't want to talk to you, you just did what you always do, you said too much
you should feel sick inside, scaring them away like you don't realise
you're a victim of the plague. when your mouth opens all they see is rotten teeth
and the flies dancing away, because even they don't want to hear what you have to say.
not even the buzzards, who come down to hunt for dead things like you, fly your way...
it would be normal to say i hate the way i feel, or i feel sad, i wish i felt like either...
i feel like in the moment someone needs to take me to a sponge room. the room stills
i get deeply numb.. i feel it in my chest. my breathing calms, and my pulse slows,
everything is slow motion. i feel no human emotion as i pick up my life, and i can't see
as i methodically swipe to cut it open from inches away i pick up pace until i'm closer
my life flashes before my eyes i know if i start cutting i won't be able to stop the knife
no one could get to me in time all the while i bring it closer
blinded by a thousand fond memories i feel the cold touch my skin and right on the verge
i can see again and i'm shaking what the hell just happened then i see the knife and
i'm crying because i dont even remember where i got it
and deep down i know i was so close to ending things before they even started

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one day i said goodbye to knives when no one was watching
it was really hard to try to stop it but when i felt it coming on i curled up in a blanket
i cried really hard i never knew it was so cold inside my vacant room shivering
i stare off sometimes and its like nothing happened an hour went by but i couldn't map it
thousands of memories flowing by that i can't bring up if i try can't see them clearer
always just blurs on the glass of a mirror hazy flash backs and i sit there in my blanket somehow i made it to the floor grabbing my wrist or hugging my pillow and all i can think is
at least i know how i got here one foot in front of the other
when no ones watching they look out for eachother even if its hard even if i can barely see
i can trust my instincts to at least try to balance for me and when no ones there
no one i can see when the whole world up and abandons me take a deep breath
grab my blanket play my favorite song curl up and take it on because sometimes we need
to be kids again there's nothing wrong with it take a deep breath grab a blanket play your music it's okay to cry no one here to judge me
its alright i know teddy will bear with me all the way teddy will be here and keep me safe
i dont care if have to do this until im twenty cry with people watching
i'll be okay i'll make my own comfort try to stop me i'll act like no ones watching
take a deep breath and cry my heart out keep myself safe and try to be better now
maybe some day more than teddy will bear with me but until then thats okay
i value teddy's opinion more anyway.
~


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32 Reviews


Points: 488
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Tue May 11, 2021 2:02 pm
BrokenHeartsAri wrote a review...



Hi, BrokenHeartsAri here for a short review!!


Wow!! this is amazing! You are so passionate In every post you make and I admire that.
Now on to this beautiful piece.....


¨when they are busy and i'm the only one who seems to want to talk, my mind says:
they don't want to talk to you, you just did what you always do, you said too much
you should feel sick inside, scaring them away like you don't realise¨


I loved this part because it is so relatable even to this day. I feel like your mind makes everything harder on you. No matter how hard you try the biggest fight is yourself.

¨i can see again and i'm shaking what the hell just happened then i see the knife and
i'm crying because i dont even remember where i got it¨


Yes, I know the feeling it is like you are not even in control of your body no more it's the lust of the feeling of a knife craving in your skin waiting for the aftermath knowing it's probably too late anyway. so your able just to watch the blood drip down your arm.


¨no one i can see when the whole world up and abandons me take a deep breath
grab my blanket play my favorite song curl up and take it on because sometimes we need
to be kids again there's nothing wrong with it take a deep breath grab a blanket play your music it's okay to cry no one here to judge me¨

Again i know the feeling i go through it everyday. To feel abandon by the world like no one is gonna ever understand how much it hurts. how much you just want to end it all. the stares you get. Knowing you might never heal.



I enjoyed reading this and I hope everything is ok and if not you can always pm me.

There was some grammacial issues here but I not going to really point them out. so I hope you have a great day and keep up the great work.



~BrokenHeartsAri~




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Points: 65
Reviews: 1

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Mon May 03, 2021 3:56 am
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MarkuzEdwardz says...



Wow! You've been on here for a really long time! like a little half ton of posts. You are really passionate in your writing and you aren't afraid to tell your tale with something really serious. Writing is some of the best therapy that I never give myself enough time for, but seeing people like you who have just stuck to it is inspiring. So thank you, I enjoyed your post although it was sad, but that's the point so, I hope you continue to fight the good fight and get any help you need too.






Thank you. <3




You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling