Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


​~take my light~

by queenshadowgem



enter silently and take my hand,
fake smile at me like you don't understand
that i understand and i have plans,
the light is purged from me by crueler hands
i'm here to enjoy these moments while i can,
and that means until i can't anymore
don't fake smile at me mom and dad,
it's okay to cry as you hold my hands
as i lie here and the light in my chest fades,
just remember it will shine above you one day
can you smile for me as i light your path?
can you be joyous for me never so sad
don't weep in the bathroom or over the kitchen sink,
talk to me in my room tell me of the days
i couldn't see it's okay to miss me don't be afraid,
to reach out and hold my hand even if you
can't see it my light is shining down on you.
even when the dark clouds try to obscure it
i love you mom and dad and i know you can endure this,
you're already so strong so take my hand one last time
and then hold my hand for the rest of your lives,
because i'll be here


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 783
Reviews: 28

Donate
Tue May 04, 2021 2:33 am
View Likes
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey gem! Incoming review!

Oh my goodness. This poem is so heartfelt and so beautiful. It really shows to me the brave and protective mask that parents have to put on in order for their kids to live happily. Reading this gives me a good pain in my chest because I wish I could have this relationship with my mother. I adore how the rhyming scheme is there but interrupted when needed. It give a sense of urgency in the poem but the breaks give sincerity. Gosh, but the message is so delicate and well executed.

If there was one thing I were to critique it would be after this line,

don't weep in the bathroom or over the kitchen sink,
would to maybe add a rhyme to the next line. When I was reading it my mind went to think that there should be a rhyme there but when it wasn't it slightly threw me off. If you were to add on to that and change it a word such and "blink" would be nice in the context with tears. Other than that, there wasn't any complaint I had. But if you don't mind, could you explain to me what the meaning of "your light" is? It somewhat confused me and I would like to know more!

gem, beautiful poem! It almost brought tears to my eyes! I don't know why I haven't been reviewing your works! I love your writing!!!! It just gives me some comfort somehow! Anyway, byeeeeeeeeee<3






That's hard to explain, it is at simplist a metaphor for life/love/happiness and the child speaker doesn't want it to go to waste when they pass theyy want their parents to be happy. Thank you so much Fire, I love your reviews. <333



FireEyes says...


Thanks for explaining! And thanks for the compliment <33333333333333



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 5701
Reviews: 22

Donate
Sun May 02, 2021 10:34 pm
View Likes
AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it all though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

enter silently and take my hand,
fake smile at me like you don't understand
that i understand and i have plans,
the light is purged from me by crueler hands

'the light purged from me by crueler hands' now that's deep and usage of a strong word like purge just adds to it's power twt. Asdfksdfkjsfhskjh you can really feel the heartbreak 😭 Going by the other lines in that set of stanzas the narrator is talking to someone close to them, like a father/mother/or lover?
Who are the 'cruler hands'? An abusive uncle, an abusive stepfather, or just narrow-minded biggots in general who who don't understand that what they say hurts? You have realistic/mental health listed as the category so maybe the cruler hands are a metaphor for some type of mental illness?
it's okay to cry as you hold my hands
as i lie here and the light in my chest fades,

The usage of the word 'as' twice here really threw of the flow for me, which was kind of upsetting because I really wanted to cherish the beauty of what you'd written there <33
Maybe you could remove the 'to cry as you hold my hands'?? Or maybe find a way to shorten 'as i lie here and the light in my chest fades?'
just remember it will shine above you one day
can you smile for me as i light your path?
can you be joyous for me never so sad

My interpretation of that is that the narrator is saying the light of their happiness will shine over her parents, and not herself. Can...can I just...asfhsdfjhsfkjhasdfjh the profoundness but ack you have no idea how those lines just hit my heart twt.

i love you mom and dad and i know you can endure this,
you're already so strong so take my hand one last time
and then hold my hand for the rest of your lives,
because i'll be here

Ahhhhasdfhadsfjkhadsfjkhh the daughter is basically asking her parents to be her strength and to hold the light for her isn't she 😭 Ahhhhafasdfkjh overall I looved this poem. The emotions that come through are really profound and impactful.
100/10 job <333
-Ashlyn






thank you <333





Your welcome! I hope it helped <33




Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell