Hollow

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

I finally felt complete when you stripped me of my virginity last night. As you poured your thick seed into me, as the pleasure of ascension to heaven coursed through my nerves like fire and lightning, I felt as if every gaping hole in my heart had been filled to the brim.

However, as the moonlight once hidden by the night exposed the skin you had left pale and nude, as the semen flowed out from the inside of my thigh down to the stained bedsheets, I started to feel empty, emptier than before you came inside me.

(98 words.)

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Points: 1762
Reviews: 27

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:31 am

DrLavender wrote a review...

Hey there! Here to do a quick review! Let's begin!

I finally felt complete when you stripped me of my virginity last night.

Hmm, an interesting opening line! As the reader, while it certainly sparked interest, I didn't feel intrigued to read more. I'd recommend considering "I finally felt complete when we made love last night". Although I'm not sure if you're wanting to have any sort of romance in this.

As you poured your thick seed into me, as the pleasure of ascension to heaven coursed through my nerves like fire and lightning, I felt as if every gaping hole in my heart had been filled to the brim.

I would recommend adding a semicolon instead of the comma after "lightning". I also think you can maintain the same meaning in this passage if you remove the "as" in "as the pleasure of ascension".

And that honestly leads to the end of my review! Hope it will be of help!

Points: 2338
Reviews: 25

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:01 am

voiceofdragons wrote a review...

Coocookatchu! Voiceofdragons coming atcha with a review!!

I'm going to review as I read. Okidoki.

I don't think "finally" works in this sentence. Mostly because there should have been a "before" the finally, if that makes any sense. (See: first off, secondly, thirdly, and finally.) The reader doesn't see any struggle before hand and no indication that the narrator felt incomplete. I think you can break up that second sentence and make it more comprehensible. I agree with Aleta in that "thick seed" kinda...makes me cringe a little.

I'm not sure "however" works in this instance as a transition.

"Moonlight once hidden by the night" I don't understand this bit. The moonlight can't be hidden by nightfall? Unless you mean there was cloud cover? The second sentence seems like a run on, as well. You use "as" a lot, might want to vary your sentence structure.

I think this would be nice with a little clean up and some back story.