Hey Artie, here we go again.
This poem is visceral, and I really appreciate the raw emotion that you've put into it. I love that though this poem is filled with destructive imagery, that it ends in a rebirth (even if it is spiders, ewwwwwww).
This really has a spoken word vibe. I can feel you screaming from the rooftops.
That being said, there are a few things that can be changed to make it even better.
This is the part where I shake my fist at you for putting this in an image so I can't lazily copy and paste.
i am nothing
but sharp teeth
and re-opened wounds
bleeding profusely
on too-white sheets,
This section is wordy. It's not the only section, but let's focus on this one right now. The first line reminds me of those memes that are like,
"Nobody:
Not a single soul:
Me: I <3 pizza"
So my advice is to cut out the nothing.
"profusely" is an adverb, and you only need adverbs if you have a weak verb, which you don't.
"too-white sheets" I'm not getting a great image here. I'm not sure how sheets can be too white. It tripped me up, and you have a lot of other adjectives going on later in the stanza anyway, so the "too" is unneeded.
If you follow all of that advice, we get:
I am sharp teeth
and re-opened wounds,
bleeding on white sheets
It's direct and brief!
I am not really a fan of how the second stanza slows things down. I understand that the idea is necessary there, but try condensing it like I did with the stanza above. See if it works in a way that you like.
In the third stanza, there's a shift from the narrator talking to "you" and turns to "they." Since you use "you" in the rest of the poem, I suggest changing all the "theys" to "yous."
a never-ending cycle of constant regenesis
This line is a doozy. Let's cut it down a little. You've got "never-ending," and "cycle." Cycles are never-ending, so let's take that out. Constant is a little redundant as well.
is much shorter, but it's a lot less long-winded.a cycle of regenesis
I think the main thing I'm trying to convey is that there are a lot of unneeded words that slow down the feeling of the otherwise intense poem. Go through and take out as many words as you can while still keeping the intensity of the feeling. Let me know if you want to work it out in the wfp sometime. Hope this is helpful! Happy poeting!
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
Donate