Young Writers Society

Hi nightshadows,

Mailice here with a short review!

I like how you've crafted your introduction, and how it evolves from the Big General down to the first person narrator to create a good transition. You have a very interesting writing style. I like how you create an accumulation of examples, and relate them to something cruel to create a contrast.

I found it a good start to a longer story. For a short story, however, I felt there was still some information missing to create a good outline. You have too many open questions that the reader can't answer because they lack the necessary construct. Nevertheless, I like how you create a good build-up of tension within this short text and describe a bit what happened.

I liked the narrative form and as I said, it seems like a great start for a longer story. It has that first person narrator feel of a feature film that starts off talking about itself and then the camera switches to a scene that shows "X hours / days ago ,etc...". You really make a brilliant start, where I think you have a lot more to show. You took the trouble to name the character and also to describe what happened to her.

Other points that stood out to me:

Everytime I touched something, pain shot into my body, equal to the volt of a lightning bolt.

Family, friends, boyfriend, community, city, country, nation, and the whole entire human population.

I was the only one left. But just because I was the only one left didn't mean there weren't other....creatures.

It was also us. Humans fought over everything. From land to power, from nations to kingdoms...until it was all gone.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...well this was a really interesting read. Pretty short but a really fun story to read nonetheless. I had quite a lot of fun with it and I loved the ending of it. We shall see what I get up to in the details down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

When some people wake up they groan as they notice of the hardships and tribulations of the day to follow. And some flutter their eyes open knowing that the day will be better than the one previous. But that isn’t how I wake up.

I wake up to the everlasting thought that every day I will have to fight for what is mine and survive the few hours of daylight that keep me alive. My name is Harlow Seviltien and I am the only survivor of the wreckage.

I got up my arm still wrapped in bandages. Everytime I touched something, pain shot into my body, equal to the volt of a lightning bolt. My clothes were torn and dirty, my face, scraped and bruised.

Life was no longer the teenage dream. I had lost everything. Family, friends, boyfriend, community, city, country, nation, and the whole entire human population. I was the only one left. But just because I was the only one left didn’t mean there weren’t other….creatures.

They were like whispers, invisible but still very much there. And I preferred to call them whisps. All you had to do was be awake in the dark, and they would come and find you.

I rubbed my head which was pounding from dehydration and sun stroke. I crawled out of the small cement block cluster that I called home and stared into the dusty, ash streaked sky. The dirt and debris was everywhere. You see the whisps where not the only ones that destroyed our world. I walked down the ruined sidewalk, passing multiple streets and alleys all with different countries flags on them.

It was also us. Humans fought over everything. From land to power, from nations to kingdoms...until it was all gone. They blew up everything in their own desperate act for ownership. That is why nothing will ever be the same. Because they pushed the limits. And now everyone has paid their debt. The whisps weren’t the real monsters. We were.

Hey! Maple May here with a review!

This was an awesome story! It was very deep and suspenseful! Anyways, I am here to share some pros and cons I found!


Pros

I wake up to the everlasting thought that every day I will have to fight for what is mine and survive the few hours of daylight that keep me alive. My name is Harlow Seviltien and I am the only survivor of the wreckage.

I crawled out of the small cement block cluster that I called home and stared into the dusty, ash streaked sky.

The whisps weren’t the real monsters. We were.

Ok so I know a few of you were wondering what the whisps were and to go into more detail:
Whisps were something I designed to scare the reader but not to frightening so you could shock the reader with the whole human thing. I wasn't thinking about making this into a novel but if you guys want I could attempt to
Also Thank you guys so much for your reviews! It means alot!

This is so good! I love the style of writing. It kept me reading, and I loved the last paragraph. Very eerie!!

I love the thoughts and the story in this piece of writing, you have been able to reach out for the audience using personal thoughts to give a brief summary of your own situation, which is a very dramatic introduction- brilliant for the type of tale that you are writing. I also loved your beginning line- it implies that you don't have room to think of anything other than survival. Like the reviewer down below, it was very hooking.

Could you possibly extend on the debris caused by humans? What happened, where, why, how? I love the idea of having the humans doing the most of the damage, yet you are still in peril from the whisps. However, could you explain what happened in a little more context using more imagery rather than personal thoughts. Perhaps you pick up fragments of the war, bullets splayed all over about- maybe even broken down turrets laying limp on the street. Why were they here? I think that maybe answering these questions would allow the reader to really get into the atmosphere of the environment.

My favourite line was
'I crawled out of the small cement block cluster that I called home and stared into the dusty, ash streaked sky'
This was a really good sentence.

I enjoyed reading this piece

Hi this is an amazing story that really gets the attention of the reader. It is a great realization of what humanity will do to the world. The only thing is I want to know more about the wisps, and they adaptations of the human species? are they ghosts? and i think you could describe what happened to this world and why its like this.