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E - Everyone


by mthanmark263

There was once a man, who had nothing. He lived on the streets because he had no place to stay. This man was named Ben, Ben would wake up in the cold morning just to beg at the robots. Life for Ben was tough because he didn't know whether he was going to eat that night. Where he was going to sleep that night.

Ben was not always poor, it was his mistakes that made him poor. He had a good job that paid him an average pay.His problem was that he loved gambling, so his love of gambling made him lose his wife, job and money. With nowhere to go he had no choice but to live on the streets. It was the first day of school for Ntando and Thando who were twins, they were now proceeding to matric. They were very excited that they were finally the seniors of the school. Their mother was a doctor so she was not usually there all the time. The twins lived with their maid but they didn't treat her as a maid but as a friend. 

The twins woke up, ate their breakfast and took a shower. Their transport finally arrived and they were headed to school. First day of school was fun, exciting and normal. School ended and after school they asked the driver to pick them up at the mall. On their way to the mall Ben walked to them and begged them for food. The twins felt a connection and just felt like giving him R1000 to buy clothes and food. He was so grateful that he said, "Where have you seen such kindness from young people like this, God bless you."

As the twins were crossing the road, the driver was distracted that she didn't se the robot turn red. Ben saw the car was not stopping and quickly rushed to save the twins. Luckily he managed to push them away from the car but he got hit by the car as he was trying to save the twins. The driver came out of the car and turned out to be the twin's mother. There was no time to talk she quickly put him in the car and rushed to the hospital. 

When they reached the hospital the twin's mother changed into the doctor's outfit. She took the man to the emergency room, hours and hours went by but still, no response. The twins were so worried about Ben. Finally the doctor came back with bad news that Ben lost a lot of blood and that he needs blood to survive. It didn't even pass a minute already the twins volunteered to donate blood, but the mother got defensive as if she had a secret. The twins didn't even bother wasting time they told their mother no because that man saved their lives.

The twins mother told them to choose between her and Ben. Since the twins didn't know Ben they chose their mother. What the twins wanted to know was why she hates Ben so much, but the question is what is she hiding? 

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User avatar
40 Reviews

Points: 136
Reviews: 40

Sun Aug 18, 2019 8:46 pm
Miraculor77 wrote a review...

Hi! I'm Mira, and I'm here to review your work.
I also checked your profile, and it says that you are from South Africa. American English is slightly different from South African English, so if I mention things that you know are correct in South African English, I apologize.

I'll go a few sentences at a time.

There was once a man , who had nothing . He lived on the streets because he had no place to stay . This man was named Ben, Ben would wake up in the cold morning just to beg at the robots .

Here, you have put too many extra spaces. You really don't need a space before periods (.) and commas (,).

The third sentence could be written differently to make it sound more natural/smooth: "The man was named Ben. He would wake up in the cold morning to beg at the robots."

It was the first day of school for Ntando and Thando who were twins , they were now proceeding to matric . They were very excited that they were finally the seniors of the school . Their mother was a doctor so she was not usually there all the time . The twins lived with their maid but they didn't treat her as a maid but as a friend .

The first sentence could use a comma and should be split into two sentences fo make it sound smoother (shown in bold): It was the first day of school for Ntando and Thando, who were twins. They were now proceeding to matric.

In the sentence part "she was not usually there all the time," the word there is unclear. Where does "there" refer to?
For the purpose of this review, I'm assuming it means "home." So, the sentence part could be written as "she usually was not home" or "she was not home all the time." This is because using both "usually" and "all the time" is redundant, you only need one.

The rest of the bolded words/phrases refer to punctuation errors. As Zoom (in the review below) said, following basic punctuation would be a huge improvement.

Also, I don't know if you know this yet, but published works can be edited. You can PM me later if you don't know how, I'll try my best to explain. :)

I also agree with Zoom on the show don't tell rule. What you did here is telling everyone the story as it happened, but you didn't show what happened, didn't give the details.
Some questions that should help you are:
What did Ben look like? What did the twins look like? How did the twins get to school? What was their mother's name? What was matric like? What color was the car that hit the twins? What was the driver doing that made her so distracted? How did Ben feel when he got hit?

Details like this make the reader feel as though they are inside the story, and are watching it happen.

I also noticed that the mother hit Ben, drive him to the hospital, and diagnosed him, but then wouldn't let the twins help him even though she was the one who almost hit them in the first place. This makes the mother a very controversial character, and while this adds to the suspense, you should probably clear it up in future chapters.

I do like the story idea though, and I want to know what happens next. Please tag me if you make chapter 2.

Keep writing,
P.S.: I'm very sorry if I have offended you in any way—it wasn't my intention. You don't have to use any of these suggestions if you don't want to, I just posted this to try to help. :)

mthanmark263 says...

hi thanks for the tips it actually helped me I will try to improve next time

User avatar
132 Reviews

Points: 7797
Reviews: 132

Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:55 pm
Zoom wrote a review...

Hey ^_^ Zoom here for a review.

I’ll be brief and point out what needs improvement first, then end with some positives.

Improvement points:

1) Please avoid publishing bold text. It’s normally standard to bold an author’s note, but not the entire story. It doesn’t look good and hinders the reading experience.

2) There’s a bit of a punctuation problem, most notably the way you put a space before all punctuation marks. You don’t need a space before commas, periods, question marks etc. If you’re ever in doubt you can always open a book and use it to reference how punctuation works. Nobody expects you to be an expert but just following the basic rules would make a massive improvement.

3) So most people have heard of the “show don’t tell” rule. If you haven’t or would like to brush up on it, there’s a few good YouTube videos available (Shaelin Writes is one of the best sources on YT). But the point is, you’re “telling” almost exclusively the entire way through. People like to experience stories rather than have everything told outright to them. Imagine the difference between watching a movie for yourself compared to having your friend simply summarise the plot to you in two minutes.

4) Building on point 3), think about the best place to start a story. Instead of slamming the reader with heaps of backstory and then transitioning into “a regular day at school”, start a little closer to when things start spicing up. Most people give up reading a story on the first page, sometimes the first paragraph. So what is more likely to hook a reader? Ben’s gambling problem, or this intense car accident and the plot twist where the driver knows the victim?

Positive points:

1) While I said hold back on the backstory, it’s great that you’ve given the characters’ lives this much thought and made everything relevant and connect to the plot. You’ve set up a diverse range of characters, each with their own goal. I’m particularly intrigued that the mother is so adamant not to let her children know their dad that she would prevent them from saving his life. That’s rough. So I’m glad you’re not afraid to create tricky conflicts, it will make the story interesting.

2) You’ve touched on robots twice. I wish there was more detail but I’m glad you’re thinking about world building and reminding us that this world is different by turning every day events (waiting at traffic lights) to something more sci-fi themed.

3) You’ve done something important for first chapters which is raise questions that readers will want answered. So for example, I want to see more about these robots, I want to know why the mother hates Ben so much that she would put her children in this terrible situation, and I want to see if the twins can figure this all out.

That’s it for today. Hope you continue writing.


mthanmark263 says...

Thank you so much I will just focus on reading and learn the rules more about punctuations . may I ask though how did you get so good in your writing

Zoom says...

No problem! That answer is to practise writing different things and dont get hung up on the quality because you will waste so much time obsessing. Everyone goes through a beginning stage %u201Cfinding their voice%u201D regardless of what some people seem to think *cough cough*

You also need to read lots of different genres because as you get older your tastes are likely to change, and so will your writing style.

Also seek criticism actively and only pay attention to it when its constructive and helpful. (You seem to already be nailing this)

mthanmark263 says...


User avatar
108 Reviews

Points: 13147
Reviews: 108

Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:49 pm
Asith wrote a review...

This is... strangely written, to say the least. The premise is there, but needs developing. Characters need to be people readers can invest themselves in, not just pawns to move the plot forward. But that's the type of skill that you'll get a better hang of the more stories you tell. Considering this is one of your first, I suppose it's not that bad.

You should look up the fundamentals of "show, don't tell." It may seem a little too advanced or daunting, but if you can get the hang of it early, it would be amazing.
You could also flesh out scenes in general - don't just tell us what the characters are doing, tell us where they are, what the place looks like, what you can hear, what you can smell, etc. Take a close look at the books you like to read and see how they do this. Reading carefully is a great way to improve writing.

I assume the "twist" here here is that the twins' mother is Ben's old wife? While it's a little predictable from the structure, I do like the idea! Plan it out - maybe take it slower and get to the the reveal a little later? This would depend on how far you're planning to take the plot, I suppose.

I like the contrast between the twins' lives and Ben's life at the beginning.

For the record, I find it hard to believe that a doctor would refuse to accept a blood donation that could save a life for her own personal reasons. It's just not acceptable behaviour.

For a beginner's first story, this is good! It just needs some work - but everyone needs work!
Looking up punctuation rules could help :)

mthanmark263 says...

thank you very much , I am still young and learning from my mistakes but I am grateful you helping me out but there is another twist can you guess it

Asith says...

I have no guesses, I'll just have to read it when it's out :0

mthanmark263 says...


People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke