Prologue
I smile as my fist pounds into the frail traitorous woman's body. I blackened her weakened form, with my own bloody fists. She screams, I laugh. I had offered her a way out, to forget him. To take me and forget about that pointy eared, green blooded, mind controlling emotionless robot! But she would not relent. This is what lead her to this.
If only the stupid woman hadn't gone to Starfleet and stayed in Nairobi with me. Where she should be.
If only she would have listened.
If only she didn't care for that alien scum.
Then, she wouldn't be cowering away from my fists.
She wouldn't be sprawled out in the mirrored room upon my deck.
She wouldn't be begging for her life.
But she does...
She lay there crying, the tears of pain, the pain that I have caused her. Her salted tears run torrent tracing down the deep gashes upon her face that I have scarred onto her form with my bare nails. I no longer care for this vile piece of human female, she is worthless to me. I shall keep her for pleasure however.
I smirk to myself. She is curled in the foetal position, perfect. I pull my leg backwards, muscles clenching in anticipation, I kick. My foot collides with her ribcage. The cracking of her bones is sweet harmony to my ears, I find myself laughing again. Eyes wide, teeth bared and muscles tensed. I tower over her. placing my hands around her throat, I lift her tiny frame from the floor of the mirrored room, press her up against the wall. Sneering in her face, my lips clash against hers, I taste the bloody lip. I smirk and pull away. She's staring eyes wide, her body shaking, tears dripping and choking.
My spit hits her forehead, and I punch her solar plexus downwards, she cries out winded. I leave her petty excuse of a body sealing the room behind me. She can either choose to see me and the bridge through the window, or at her mangled body. I don't care which. She knows i'll be back for more tomorrow.
I sit in my chair and call up the culprit, hailing his ship and decide to break some of his walls.
o.O.o
Six years earlier...
"Mum!" Nyota shouted excitedly, calling her mother in from the kitchen. "Guess what!" she exclaimed, reading off her PADD.
Her Mum laughed lightly, her soft expression full of wonder, "What is it dear?"
Nyota turned round quickly her eyes wide and a smile reaching from ear to ear. "I got in! I was accepted. By Starfleet!" she screamed tackling her mother in a constricting hug.
Her mother was ecstatic and hugged her daughter back, "Oh dear, I knew you would. You make me so proud!" Her Mother's expression changed slightly, worry laden across her face.
"What is it mum?" Nyota asked concerned.
"How will Haji respond to this? You know what he's like Nyota. " Her mother reminded her of the one person that Nyota was trying to push aside.
"I'll explain it to him, he'll understand, he has to. Starfleet is not an option that he can decide over." "What is not an option that I cannot decide over?" Haji interjected. His eyes burning into hers. She had pledged to him that she would always be there for him, by his side forever protecting him from anyone who could harm him. Most importantly protecting him from himself. Now she was to tell him that she was leaving, it would break him, something Nyota sorely wished she could avoid.
"I've enlisted in Starfleet, I leave next month..." She trailed off, she could see the contempt in his eyes. The anger at her choice. He felt disregarded, abandoned and betrayed.
"Fine!" He snapped, "Just don't expect to hear from me!" He roared, stomping out of Nyota's home, leaving her door her and Nyota behind him, "Sorry didn't finish that... don't expect to see or hear from me, until I decide. That. That is a decision, that you cannot decide." he said to himself as her walked down the dusted streets of Nairobi towards his own house.
That night Nyota stared up into the stars she forgot any issues and dreamt of the life that was to come. Amongst the stars themselves and travelling across the galaxy.
It was the decision that changed her life, forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
To start, I love Star Trek, so this is great in the sense that it's some fan art about it.
But, setting that aside and moving to the review. This is quite morbid, which I personally don't care for. I like it when writers elude to the fact that something violent is happening, but don't actually just explain what's going on. It tends to take away from the idea that the "brutality" is cool and epic, and make it that it is sad and disappointing that it is happening.
Beyond that, you have a pretty smooth writing style that does highlight the points and thoughts and emotions that make the story intriguing, so I will surely continue reading.
Thank you mongoose!
Hi there,
I thought this was really well written, and very heart felt. It felt realistic and like we were intruding in the speaker's thoughts.
Just remember that 'mum' should be with a capital letter at all times unless it's part of a letter or something where your lack of capitalisation is an effect you're trying to achieve.
I thought your description was very well done, and I like the detail you went into when she was kicking and abusing the woman on the floor. It was just the right about of detail, without being overly graphic where we didn't want to read.
I also really liked the contrast you had between her innocence and her new found power now she's in Starfleet. It's letting the reader into what kind of person she's become and what kind of person she could be in the future.
Good job, and carry on writing, it's really well written.
H.L.P
Thabkyou for your worldview and I'll sort out the capitalization of Mum,
Although the abuser is the male character Haji, not Nyota,
Thanks again
Oh yea, sorry, my mistake
Aha its alright, glad you enjoyed it:)
This is beautiful and sad all at once. It almost seems as if he loves her so much that he doesn't know how to show her. This causes him to cause harm instead, scaring her more of making her see how much he had loved her.
This is really good, but I want to know more about the characters. What moves them? What makes them act the way they do? Why do they make certain choices? I don't even know exactly what they look like or what their history is white each other.
Other than that you should keep going its really good.
Thanks that means a lot, and yeah you've got it spot on thee by the way, although this prologue is like an explanation for a later chapter, and a way to hook people so they wonder what's going on.
Great cant wait to rea more.