It all started with a camping trip.
Technically it had started when a letter had been delivered more than two hundred years previously to the family of Vignoles. The letter had been picked up by the youngest daughter of the three sisters that lived in the house; sealing the girl, and therefore the family, into the events of the events that would come to be. The girl, a small twelve year old with a nest of black hair, had given the piece of paper, sealed with red wax and an imprint of a raven, to her father in his secluded study at the back of the house. His face fell as he read it while reclining in his opulent writing chair.
In a forest, far later in history, there was a group of teenagers reclining on camping chairs in a clearing. It had rained the day before so when they had all woken up to sunshine they had found that every step would lead to a squelch and your hopefully non expensive shoes caked in a thick layer of mud.
Matthew had not been able to sleep with the water battering down onto the canvas so he had been keen to get out of the cramped tent; he had been disheartened when he had seen the mud. He somehow still managed to get his friends Sophie and Declan to come for a hike with him after breakfast.
After the rain of the day before the trio of teenagers were surprised by how hot the day had gotten by the time that they had travelled by foot for about half an hour, they were starting to complain from hunger. Well, Declan had been complaining, Sophie and Matthew had been trying not to listen to him.
“I think I saw a house or something, we could try asking them for food.” Declan told his friends while trudging along behind them, looking disgusted at the mud underfoot and the trees surrounding them.
“I have so many problems with what you just said.” Matthew yelled over his shoulder while walking in the opposite direction from where Declan had been motioning to.
“We don’t need to go begging for food from strangers. What we could need is directions to the nearest shops.” Sophie explained in the way that she always did, soft voice and not choosing a side.
“Exactly!” Declan exclaimed excitedly. “So, let’s go to the big fancy house and ask the, probably immensely wealthy, family where the nearest actual sign of civilisation is.”
“Big and fancy? I don’t like the sound of that.” Matthew frowned in a particularly pouty manner.
“Maybe we should just go back to the camp?”
“I’ll be dead by then!”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Could you two stop arguing for one second so that we can ask the fancy rich people where to go?”
It was around that time, when there was a decision made in the woods out in the middle of nowhere whether three teenagers would go knocking on a strangers door; that Abigale Wruck was alone in a park with a lit cigarette, a box of matches and a picture of her Mum. There was also a decision made in that park that would influence the lives of more than one.
Abigale had always been a rebellious girl, or so it had always seemed. It is said that a middle child is always more likely to feel left out, not the eldest one that is adored by their younger siblings, but also not the youngest, forever the small cute ones. She hadn’t originally meant to get a reputation as a bad girl but it was hard to get any attention when her eldest brother was running a company at a young age and her little brother was still a child, doted over by everyone they pass.
She had originally befriended Scottie to have her parents see her as more than just their nice-girl daughter. Scottie was really nice; he just didn’t seem like it to the average passer-by. Abigale was pretty sure that she had heard someone refer to him as thuggish, she hadn’t really ever thought that herself. Scottie had a big build and thick shoulders, a blue stripe in his black hair.
Friendlier than he looks, he introduced Abigale to her future closest friend Red.
Red wasn’t her real name, Abigale was about eighty percent sure that it was Charlie, she had unoriginally been nicknamed by their school body that name because of her unnaturally vibrant red hair that she had maintained ad treasured for the majority of the first year that she spent at the school. She had long since changed her hair to varying different unnatural colours that caused Abigale’s mum to start tottering around with a tight lipped smile making unpleased noises whenever she came within ten meters of the girl.
Abigale had been intimidated by the curious girl at first but grew very fond of her once Scottie had introduced them properly. She had almost instantly felt foolish for being frightened of the girl. Around the time of the camping trip that particular girl’s hair was newly shaven on one side and a bleached pale blonde on the other.
On that particular morning the two girls where reclining on the grass in the park while Scottie was off somewhere when Red looked up from her book and pointed out an intriguing passage that she had found; the page was embossed. In the position that Abigale found surprisingly comfortable with her back on the ground, legs on their bags and head on her folded jumper, she could hardly read the slanted script. She was visibly hesitant to take the book from her friend, knowing too well what would come of her if she handled the fragile old book too roughly.
“The raven calls at midnight? Isn’t that like all the clichés?”
“But it’s more than that.” Red had an exited expression that Abigale was all too familiar with, a recognisable hint of fascination encasing her eyes; it was the expression that she got when she was talking about any sort of gothic poetry. She wasn’t like a ‘modern goth’, (something that would get anyone a telling to if they were to refer to her as one of them, as Red would put it, wearing an expression that was very similar to one that you would get if you were smelling an awful smell) She was more just fascinated in the old sense of the word, ghost stories and dreary poetry. She was obsessed with finding ‘hidden meanings’ in the old texts. She had managed to convince herself that the secret to the supernatural world was written down by one of the old poets; she would talk about it to anyone that would leant themselves for any amount of time, she had once had a three hour discussion with an old scholar that she happened to come across on a train journey who had been reading Baudelaire. The pair remained in touch.
She did make a very convincing argument.
“Midnight has importance in so many of these, it can’t be a coincidence!”
“Midnight isn’t very specific…” Abigale tried not to sound too doubtful as to dishearten the girl. They were somewhat interrupted when Scottie came over from where he had been taking a call from his brother.
“How’s James?” Abigale asked, somewhat eager to change the subject from her failed attempt at another revelation.
“He’s fine, having fun with Matthew and the others, the usual.” His dark hair and complexion looking at ease and somewhat constantly uninterested whenever not sleeping. Abigale noticed the exact moment that he must have remembered something that his brother had told him.
“James said there’s gonna be a party.” His childlike excitement lighting up his face.
“Where? In the middle of a field in a tent?” Abigale scoffed and dismissed the proposal. They weren’t relenting though. Red never got to go to parties because she was usually grounded when the occasion arose. Or maybe Abigale would be grounded, Red wasn’t afraid to go to a party on her own, not that she didn’t appreciate her friend’s company, rather Abigale was the only ride that she had.
Hence the bargaining her to go to the party.
“But it’s not! They found this weird house; it’s completely empty and would be perfect for a party. We could all go trash the place and no one would ever know it was us.”
“I guess we could go…When is it?” she asked, her ever-present hesitance for the unruly returning at full force.
Suddenly, Scottie too seemed hesitant, at his obvious hesitation Abigale grew increasingly confused and worried. She’d sneaked out of her house more times than she could count for her misfit friends.
“What? When is it?” She was becoming increasingly worried and annoyed at her friend.
“This evening.” Scottie must have seen Abigale’s face drop because he hurriedly added, “It doesn’t matter though.” He said it so mumbled and fast that she hardly heard it.
“You know I have dinner with my mum!”
Scottie had in fact known that.
“So what are you gonna do?” Red asked, practiced disinterest clearly false. “Dinner or party? Not that that’s a real question. You don’t even like your mum.”
Everyone knew that she didn’t like her mum, it was kind of her thing, but a dinner with said mum meant that she was taking time out of her ridiculous schedule to bother to look her only daughter in the universe in the eyes.
***
You’d think that finding a massive house in the middle of nowhere would be easier. Abigale was squinting out into the dense woods while driving far more cautiously than anyone in the car was remotely okay with, as evidence by the fact that Scottie making comments from the back seat.
“What does it even look like?”
“A house? How would I know?”
“You were the one that invited us!”
“And you where the one to offer a ride, so I guess it’s your fault because you’re unable to have a vague sense of direction.”
“Couldn’t they have found an abandoned house where there’s streets?”
“Streets mean police, idiot.”
When they; Red, Abigale, Scottie, and Scottie’s younger sister Beth, got to the house that they had been arguing about. There weren’t any lights on inside the house that they could have seen from the car in the dimming light but there where a gallery of cars park in various hazardous places across the border of the property. They had eventually spotted a wall of smoke and tracked it to see the house sitting in an overgrown clearing, the smoke coming from a fire in what had once been considered a garden.
When the band of teenagers crept cautiously around the circumference of the house they found a bonfire at the source; a mound of half blackened wood shrouded in fierce fire. The burning of what seemed to be old furniture cast a sinister flickering orange light over its surroundings, elongating shadows and casting them against the outer back wall of the house.
Out in the yard of the same house some many years previously two young girls not as dissimilar to Red and Abigale as anyone involved would have probably appreciated. It had also been cold and with little light when they had spoken in hushed tones near an apple tree that they had spent many a day reading and dreaming under. Other than that the girls in the two scenes had very different circumstances that they were dealing with. The sisters were rushing about in the unmistakably morning light.
The sun was low in the sky as twelve year old Isobel carried a small bag of books and small toys that she would have liked to take wither to the funeral that they had been invited to. Her sister Madeline reassured her of the safety of the journey, as it was to be the longest journey that she had ever had to face. Madeline was carrying a box for their mother’s new hat that she had been planning to wear at the funeral. The older sister’s hair was piled and pulled back from her powdered face; her dusty blue dress was being knocked between her knees by the wind. Her grey jacket was new but looked muted and joyless.
Everybody had been so sad since they had gotten the letter. Isobel didn’t like it when people where sad but all her attempts to add joy to her family had filed and she had long since retired that frame of mind.
“I don’t even know her though.” Isobel complained in a whiny voice that her father would have reprehended her for. It took the young girl a further moment to realise that her sister didn’t have her hand on her shoulder anymore she turned around.
She let out a shrill scream.
The hatbox had fallen and had spilled out onto the grass next to Madeline’s red stained shoes, the dark splatters almost reaching the smaller girl’s arm.
The tree was stood grander than it had been when it had witnessed the sorry sight of that dreaded morning. It did not know the tragedies that where to come; the hooded man stood off to the side of the tree was another story.
Inside the house, not much warmer than the cold night, was packed with bodies. Abigale could smell the alcohol in the air; it was mixed with a strangely familiar scent and the unpleasant hint of sweat that came with a house party.
Paint?
She saw, on the other side of the writhing bodies, some of the older boys where spraying the wall contrasting neon colours (some seeming to glow in the dark) and some of them had set up a sound system with portable generators. She was surprised, then, that she and her friends had not heard the noise from further away; the bass that she could feel shaking her bones.
Red was already off talking to a group of people that had taken the sensible decision to be almost as far away from the speakers as possible. What caught her eyes the most was where a girl who looked far too young to be there was hovering near the door way. Her expression was a mix of confusion and vacancy.
She had started towards the girl, who was looking as out of place as Abigale felt, when Scottie dragged her off to see his brother James and his friends who were heading up to a spot on the roof. They all looked very pleased with themselves, as several of them had been the one’s to find the house in the first place. This boy Declan kept recounting the story as Matthew rolled his eyes.
“And then knocked on the door, and I was convinced that when it opened up and no one was there that it was some sort of sign. You know, like spiritually.” He recounted excitedly.
“That’s rubbish!” Mathew interjected loudly #from the other side of the circle of teenagers. “You thought that it was a ghost! You would have run if it weren’t for me and Sophie blocking your exit… You screamed really loud.” He didn’t seem very angry at all, as Abigale may have thought he would have been, he was more humorous and emphatic.
It was quite a while before she got a chance to escape; she had intended to find the girl that she had seen earlier in the evening but after a quick search it appeared to Abigale that the girl had vacated the premises. It didn’t take much, while in her second circuit of the gardens while avoiding fire and stepping on discarded drinks bottles, when she accepted a drink and sat down on an antique looking chair in front of a, mainly orange, newly painted wall.
She, and to a further extent every party goer in the once palatial house, had no reason to suspect that there was a letter tucked into a jacket pocket, that had invited a girl to a very different sort of gathering that no one from that house had made it to.
The partying had been going on for quite some time when Red came rushing over to Abigale with alarm in her wide eyes.
“There-There’s a girl.” She choked out to Abigale, who had been dancing with one of James’ friends on the makeshift dancefloor when she had been interrupted. She moved at once to go to the room that Red had motioned to.
At first when she scanned the room she couldn’t spot the pale girl but then she spotted a crowd of people in the corner that had gathered around something and the two girls went to join them. It smelled much stronger of spray paint in there and it almost overwhelmed her.
When she got closer she saw the girl in the odd blue dress with holes strewn across the fabric was curled in on herself on the floor. She looked so cold in her flimsy clothes that Abigale almost shivered in sympathy, or she would have done that if not for that being the moment that her muted green eyes looked directly into hers.
A boy that was closer to her seemed to be trying to put a cup near to her mouth, to no avail.
“What do you think you’re doing?” a girl with an afro and ridiculous amount of necklaces said, taking the words straight out of her mind.
Then lots of things happened at once.
The sickly pale young girl stood so quickly that it had appeared as if she hadn’t moved, but rather changed as if there was a cut in a video. Most of the people that had gathered around had had quite a lot of the alcohol that had been provided and the light from the fire and the sound system where flashing and moving rapidly.
Then, while most of them where still confused, she lunged at Abigale, pushing her against the opposite wall.
There were screams.
Abigale’s eyes widened but she tried not to move. Her eyes flitted around the menacing face of her attacker. She tried to keep deadly still, Madeline’s fingernails were close to piercing skin, when she was pulled away, which Abigale had a feeling was against the younger girl’s will, there where small drops of blood falling to the floor from the vague area of her neck.
Abigale fell to the floor, clutching at her thought that felt like it was burning.
She looked up just in time to see the monstrous girl being held back by a disturbed looking Matthew who was also breathing heavy.
Madeline fell apart.
Drifted.
Dispersed.
Fell into smoke that shrouded the room before that, too, fell away from the living world.
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Hi! I know you posted this almost two weeks ago, but I just found it. Sorry! In all, this was a very good short work. Honestly, I had a bit of a hard time swimming through the first few paragraphs, but that may just have been how long it took to get used to your very original writing style. Your dialogue through the whole story was entertaining and humorous.
I've looked through the other reviews, and as far as grammar mistakes go, I think the other two reviewers have everything I saw covered. I thought the ending was very good and surprising, and the last sentence was killer! Extra good job on that.
(The creepy kids part in the description snagged me.)
Greetings MelJayne! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
~Nit-Picks~
At the end of Declan's line, there should be a comma instead of a period. This is an example of the errors you make in your dialogue. But don't worry. They're easily fixable. Just replace the periods with commas before the tags.
There should be a comma after 'nowhere' and 'strangers' should be possessive (stranger's).
You should probably remove 'that name' because you've already said 'nicknamed' and the reader knows that you mean her name. So, 'that name' because unneeded repetition.
I think that you mean 'and' rather than 'ad'. Simple mistake. No worries.
You've got a bit of a run-on here. To fix it, add a period instead of a comma after 'any amount of time'.
Misuse of semi colon. Instead use a hyphen, making the sentence look like this:
When they--Red, Abigale, Scottie, and Scottie’s younger sister Beth--got to the house that they had been arguing about.
I think you mean 'failed'.
Accidental number sign.
~Other Bits~
The part where Abigale was sitting in the park with cigarettes.... That didn't quite make a lot of sense considering how she apparently dies at the end. I realize that that's where she first appears and then you build on with character development, but it doesn't appear to happen or lead up to anything in your story. What you should do is to start on another scene (like where she was laying in the park with Red) and then build on it from there. There's no use using a scene if you're never going to use it.
Another thing that I noticed is that you info dump a little when you're info dumping Abigale and her friends. You tell us a whole essay-worth of information about them and it gets hard to remember or stay on track. I realize that you're building the characters and such, but some of it doesn't seem quite necessary (like how Abigale was the middle child or what Red ended up doing with her hair (that one got a little confusing. You're giving us something to recognise her by, then poof! that's gone)). Try either removing some of the information or spacing it out a little more.
That kind of brings this to a difficult corner of 'showing and not telling'. I'm actually trying to fix some parts of my own project in a way like yours and it's working, so I'll give you some pointers.
What I mean by this little corner is showing the backstory. It's hard to show and not tell when you're providing information on your characters, but there are actually a few ways out of it. What I'm going to suggest to you will make your piece even longer, but it will be worth it. What's I'm pointing out is dialogue. Bring your characters into a situation that involves dialogue and have them maybe have them reflect thie past. But be careful! Don't make your dialogue seem too robotic. Make sure that it's natural. It will be hard to do, but it's totally worth it.
Like I said, you offer so much on those three characters, but I've come across another: you don't have any on your others. We assume that the younger daughter of three sisters was the MC because she was mentioned first (that's not always the case in writing, however), but then we get to Declan, Sophie, and Matthew. You seemed to have enough to make them the MC and that was where I thought that we were going, but I guess not. You then moved onto Abigale, Red, and Scottie. You didn't go back to the first girl (that I know of), so I'm fine with that, but you're treating Declan, Sophie, and Matthew like important characters as well, but we don't have any backstory on them. In other words, we've got a surplus on the last group, but nothing on the others. I don't even know why they're camping. To fix this, add some background info in them (Be careful about showing and not telling!) and to state why they're camping in the first place.
Another thing that I want to bring up is transitioning between characters. I like how you did it during the first switch and you can keep it, but I've got a bit to say about the others, mainly the end.
The ending I found very confusing because you switched from one character and then the next really quickly without much warning. This could just be a formatting error on the part of YWS, but I'm bringing it up so it can get fixed. I recommend adding those astrix (*) that you used mid-story and use that every time you switch characters to avoid confusion.
As for the trio of Declan, Sophie and Matthew, they seem quite unimportant. They're wandering around the forest, looking for a fancy house and don't appear. I noticed that you mentioned them somewhere near the end, but it didn't quite make sense. Matthew was talking...why? Who was he talking to? Why was he all of the sudden at that party? Or was he? You should probably clarify what and why.
The final thing I would like to mention in this section is what that letter was at the start, what it said that was so shocking, and what it had to do with the rest of the story. I assume that creepy girl at the end who killed Abigale was the nest-haired girl from the start, yes? The letter at the start seems to have nothing to do with the end, so, um, maybe it should? Try including what the letter says someplace or add a few more scenes. At the same time, I have no idea why that girl is attacking Abigale. Like I've said with the scenes, try those.
~Good Bits~
At the start, you transitioned quite smoothly from one point in time to the next. I was quite impressed. I get the impression from that, a story-telling vibe. I see that throughout your entire story and it gives me a storytelling-by-the-fire-place vibe, which can be quite cool in most cases. You even kept it up through the whole thing, not even dropping it. (Thumbs up!)
I know that I was mentioning about too much backstory earlier, but let's throw that away for this tiny moment.
You've shown us very well how well-developed your characters are. This can be quite important because flat characters in a story can make t weak, but you're equipped with enough knowledge about your characters to show off your writing.
The final thing that I want to mention in this section is the very, very, very ending. Your style of description at that point in the story is quite heavy. What I mean by that is that it is quite mystical and leaves you thinking about a few things. What is going to happen afterwards? is a pretty good (not to mention common) example. At the same time, it's a bit mysterious as well. What do you mean that she fell apart? What's with the smoke?! That leaves you wondering so much more. Phenomenon.
Apologies if I sounded a little harsh. That was not my intention at all. I'm really just here to help and provide improvement. That's what we're here for, right? To help other writers improve and improve as writers. Improvement is a big reason a lot of people joined the site, including me. So, yeah, welcome to YWS! I hope you have a marvelous time here. ^^ If you have any questions about my review or the site, don't be afraid at all to ask. It doesn't matter the question (as long as it's not inappropriate or could endanger either of us in any way or is rude), just ask me!
So that's it for now. (Bows) I hope to read something else by you soon!
~Holographic Ladybug
Ooh, I really love how this is starting out, and--oh my gosh, I love camping~
I was sensing the mood from the first paragraph.
The events of the events? I'm not sure what that means...
This is kind of an awkward sentence. The word "had" is overused, and it's kind of a run-on. I think it's mainly the odd tense that makes this confusing. Also...MY shoes?
I'll propose a rewrite: "It had rained the day before, so when they all woke up to sunshine they found that every step led to a squelch and their hopefully non-expensive shoes caked in a thick layer of mud."
Even that's rather strange. I kind of get what you're trying to get across here with the second-person POV ("your")--you're trying to bring us into the experience and give us a laugh by reminding us of an experience most of us have probably had of getting our hopefully non-expensive shoes caked in mud. It might help to break it up into more than one sentence.
Ah, I noticed you continued to use the "had been" tense as the story continued on. It's easy to get trapped in that tense--as I've certainly experienced myself--but it's very clunky and awkward for the reader. I've found that, often, the "had been" tense can be easily replaced by the simple past tense without changing the meaning of the sentence. Look for opportunities to simply take out the words "had", "had been", or "would be". It'll make things flow a lot smoother.
Hehehe, I lol'd. These characters are pretty relatable so far--just like a group of ordinary, teen friends goin' on a camping trip together. And yet, from the first paragraph, I have a sense of unease. Something bad's going to happen.
This is pretty wordy too, and I think you could rewrite the sentences to make them flow better. I'll take a shot at a possible rewrite:
"Around the time that the three teenagers in the middle of nowhere made a decision to go knocking on a stranger's door, Abigale Wruck stood alone in a park with a lit cigarette, a box of matches, and a picture of her Mum. In that park, another decision was made: a decision that would influence the lives of more than one."
The idea is to try to streamline your writing by avoiding passive voice, cutting out unnecessary words, and looking for opportunities to replace flat verbs like "was" with more dynamic verbs. I hope this is helpful.
Run-on sentence are also pretty frequent in your writing. In this one also, you repeated the word "particular" after having used it right in the last paragraph. Try to avoid repeating significant words too close to each other. This sentence might be broken up like this:
"On that same morning, the two girls reclined on the grass in the park, while Scottie was off somewhere else. Red was reading, and she looked up from her book and pointed out an intriguing passage she had found. The page was embossed."
Oh, man...That does not sound like a good plan. I feel as if bad things will happen if you do that.
Dang, she decided to skip dinner and go out to this house. I'm feeling pretty uneasy about this...
OMG, why did they bring Scottie's little sister? That makes me nervous.
That was a beautiful description. I got a very strong impression of Madeline and a lovely, clear mental image.
O_O
How did they get that many people to come to the party? Isn't this the very same night that they found the mansion? If it's not, that needs to be more clear...I certainly wasn't expecting such a Large Youth Gathering.
A ghost of Isobel or Madeline!
Oh my gosh, I am getting so many chills down my spine right now.
Wow...awesome.
All in all, it was a good read: really suspenseful and chilling at the end, with good, colorful character development, some excellent descriptions, and plenty of amusing, little quips. Your writing style is still pretty rambling and wordy, but I think if you learn to streamline it, you could end up with a very dynamic and interesting horror style. I hope some of my suggestions will help with that. Just remember to avoid passive voice and words like "had", "had been", and "would". Also look for opportunities to cut out unnecessary words and to use more dynamic verbs, and watch out for run-on sentences. Your writing will be more dramatic if you tend toward shorter sentences, and I think you're aiming for a dramatic effect.
Also, it looks like you're pretty new to the site, so welcome to YWS!