Young Writers Society

Hi there Marms. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on a very early Tuesday afternoon with a bit of extra time in the class I'm in. With that being said let's cut to the chase and delve right in.

I can see that this poem is of medium length whereas other poems that I've seen written by the Marms usually end up being three stanzas on the shorter side. There's a touch of minimalism that I always see brought to your poetry and that's not as present here which I of course don't mind all that much. The first stanza I have to say is confusing in the theme that you're attempting to portray. The speaker wanting to believe there to be a place in time where things went wrong is quite confusing. The piece would make more sense if this line were vice versa, but it's not. That's what first and foremost puts me off about the poem--the themes don't make sense logically.

While I enjoyed the first stanza and the last three lines in particular are quite strong, they don't make the most sense. The second stanza takes a more narrative-based approach where we actually see the story continue. The story seems to be that the speaker and this other person in the piece are pirates and their boats end up drifting apart. Because of this, the both of them go on adventures on their own without the other person. While the wording is awkward and the diction needs fixing up.

I prefer the first stanza to the second stanza and there's this bridge between the two--the first stanza can do better at transitioning into the second. The third relates more to the first or the voice of the first can be heard more in the third and to be honest the first and third connect more than the second or third or the first and second.

What I'm failing to understand--is this literal? Metaphorical? Give us more context to see which it is. What is the theme of the poem? That's also unclear. The two get lost and now at the end of the poem, the speaker isn't sure if the other person is looking for them? Perhaps this is about love. Not quite sure! Some strong lines here although I think editing and revision would help this out.


If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

This was beautiful. There's just a couple of things I caught.
1) The dashes for your "through the foggy remains of my memories...." are unneeded. What I've learned over the years is that dashes are to say, "Hey! This is SUPER important!" while commas are to add extra thoughts, so for that line I would use commas. But that is your choice so do what you want:)
2) Minor grammar error, add an 'I' between if and knew in your last sentence.
This was a good piece and I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the writing!