Young Writers Society

I love this! great

Steam1244 here to give you a review! This was extremely beautiful! I have nothing to say, I mean, WOW! There is nothing you need to touch in my opinion, but again that is just my opinion. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

Keep Writing!

this 100% has the sevro seal of approval

Hi there, Prim!

The imagery is what hits home for me. You get me going at the beginning with a poignant metaphor. The body -> baggage and thoughts -> contents analogies are super strong. They're a solid foundation for the rest of your poem. They're believable, but they don't punch straight to the face. On a subtler level, you strike a personal chord with me. You keep up the traveling metaphor for a few more lines until you switch to a solar theme (which, still, packs power and boosts effectivity). I'm definitely digging your personification of the sun and moon.

Where you lose me a little is with the repetition. [Throughout the poem, the narrator takes an out-of-body perspective. She reflects on her past. Turning over her thoughts, sifting through memories. A nostalgic process. If I had to guess, she's really guilty about something. Maybe how she left things with this "you" guy.] < That's kind of the dissenting opinion, I guess, because a case could technically be made for keeping the repetition. The human thought process itself is pretty repetitive, especially when regret's involved. But how it's used here doesn't do it for me. The "instead of you" trips me up. Not sure exactly why.

Other than that, the emotions are real, and you have a knack for putting them into words. I'm impressed. Excited to see future work from you.

-JC

Hey, primadonna! Scythe here to do a quick review

This was beautiful, I loved the imagery and the raw emotion—it seemed almost real. The portrayal of the person and their emotions was just perfect!

My interpretation may be wrong, but I think I should share it as a reviewer. I read this as the woman (presumably) coming to the realisation that her love wasn't as real as it should have been; her lover abandoned her, she was saddened but chose to move on from the heart-break, instead falling in love with running away from her problems and deciding to side with actors; a way to pretend.

Here is how I came to that conclusion:

i'm somewhere in the middle
between San Francisco and Portland.

my body is the only baggage i carry,
filled with the heavy contents of
my thoughts. [i think the taxi driver
asked if i was carrying rocks.]

i don't blame him—nor do i blame you
or the sun that rose this morning

Gosh, I love this.

This is self-discovery. This is the realization that true love doesn't necessarily need to be a result of one's relationship with a person -- this is the portrayal of how love can go beyond that.

For the first two lines, I suggest you to remove 'in the middle' and compress them into one line. 'between San Fransisco and Portland' already implies you're in the middle of them.

I'm also a bit iffy about the part in the parenthesis (?) because having a taxi driver, a stranger, to notice such private thing is a bit unrealistic, and having the persona thought his question might be something that exists only in her mind makes the scenario less reliable to exist. I think you don't have to say the persona carries rocks because the line about how she's heavy with her thoughts has expressed sufficiently of the significance of such thoughts.

What I find beautiful in this poem is that by leaving her lover, the persona comes to appreciate bigger things around her, and those are products of nature. I love how you romanticize the sun and moon imagery and the horizons and the cities; having them put together builds a strong connection with the persona and how these things last more than the persona's lover's life. If you know what I mean. I think this is what persona thinks as 'something more' than what she already has.

Of course, there's a bitterness somewhere in the poem, and this is shown by how the lover actually wants the best for the persona, and the best thing for her, as she realizes, is not him, and this is hard truth to swallow. The last two lines make sense of the previous part about her blaming herself.

And that is all. Nothing much to criticize here. Keep up the good job!

I love this poem. I felt as if I were experiencing what the narrator is. The only thing I would say is take the line about the taxi driver out of brackets.

This was really intriguing! I can actually relate to the second to last sentence. I keep running back to "where it lead." Maybe an s? I don't know. Great overall.