z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

dead in winter

by Charm


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61 Reviews

Points: 983
Reviews: 61

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Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:03 pm
StuckOnEarth wrote a review...



Hi! I'm SpaceSnickerdoodle. This poem was written awhile ago, but I was looking for poems to read/review and I found this and thought it was very pretty. I love the metaphors, the rhyming, and the imagery. It flows together perfectly.

This may be silly, but I also like the font. It fits the poem topic and style very well.

One thing I liked was that the grammar was wonderful (I like grammar..), such as "bereft", "forsaken", and "theft". Large words usually make a poem seem more professional and endearing, at least to me.

As far as the spelling of words, all I noticed is "forsakened", which is supposed to be "forsaken" according to Google. The lowercase i's make sense in this type of genre, to me.

I also liked the use of esophagus.

Overall, I like it!
Great job! :)

-Space




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176 Reviews

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Sat Sep 02, 2017 11:07 am
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there, marms! Shey here for a review!

I really enjoyed this piece! The rhythm is great, which is something I've noticed in the other pieces you've written. I saw in the description and wall posts that this was an attempt at rhyming which you thought was "awful", but I actually thought it was pretty good. Let's jump into the actual meat of the review.

i am a fraud in my own skin,
rip off the stick-on-grin
plastered on my lips
and stare at what is left.


You've chosen an interesting rhyme scheme, AABC. The skin-grin rhyme in the first two lines makes the reader expect another rhyme at the end, and yet that expectation isn't responded to. It leaves the stanza ending seem almost awkward. I wouldn't say it's immediately noticeable, but it definitely is there.

a mouth stitched shut in theft
my grey soul remains bereft,
like a bird's nest in the cold winter.
my frame is forsakened to rot.


The AABC pattern returns, and my thoughts remain. As another thought on this second stanza, the last line seems a little short. Of course, this could come down to simply the way in reading, so you probably don't have to pay much attention to it, but sometimes what the reader sees and thinks is helpful information that lets the author of poet get a better feel for how to write future works. Thus, hopefully that comment can come in handy.

the sky is kindly crying when i cannot
i feel like my esophagus is tied in a knot
cut the strings, cut the tied
cut away the guilt in my eyes.


This particular stanza jumps to an AABB rhyme scheme, which is different from the previous two stanzas. Personally, I find this to be the more pleasant read than the previous AABC, but it comes down to opinion.

As I mentioned earlier, I seriously enjoyed the rhythm of this piece. Besides my comment for the last line in stanza two--which could very well just be the result of how I read it--the rhythm was flawless. Perfectly executed in a way that let the message of the story be clearly delivered, without interruption from a strange rhythm.

Overall, this was a great poem. I hope my review was even a little helpful, since I'm not nearly as skilled a poet as you. Anyway, keep up the great work! I look forward to seeing more!

~Shey~




Charm says...


Thanks Shey! I thought I'd try something new and I actually really hate rhyming because it's kind of restricting. This was very hard for me to write xD



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40 Reviews

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Sat Sep 02, 2017 4:36 am
Sharon1407 wrote a review...



Hey there Sharon here for a review. First of all, this poem is extremely deep. It has a sense of darkness underlying the words and hopelessness as well. On one read, the readers are made to think as to what can be the reason behind such despair. Secondly, when it is read again, the reader can envision every human being in this planet going through something of this sort. It thoroughly brings out the dry and pale side of life. Thirdly, I think the title could have been a bit more eye-catching. Although on going deep into the title I found it to be in link with the poem, but the first thought of it being just another agony-filled poem remained in my mind. Fourthly, if the poem is to be in accordance with the title, then I suggest there be a bit more wintry images in it, just to elevate the tone of the poem. Fifth, to be very honest, I feel inspired by such work. Thank you :)




Charm says...


Thank you for your review



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Points: 200
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Sat Sep 02, 2017 12:25 am
KDOP9 says...



What a straight forward poem.It talks in rather riddle language. It is so easy to understand and allow me to say what a good poem it is indeed.





Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau