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16+ Language

Our Fate Written In The Lines - Chapter 1

by marmalade

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

“Rachel!” the door to the girls’ locker room slammed against the white tile as someone walked in. “Rachel!” her voice was worried for some reason. It was probably Hailie. I was in the last locker stall sitting on the toilet seat with the lid down. As she approached, I pulled my legs up to my chest and closed my eyes. “Rachel?” she knocked on the door.

“Yeah?” I squeaked out, barely a whisper.

She let out a relieved sigh, “Coach Tiffany wants you.”

I waited until Hailie left before flushing the toilet and walking out of the stall. As soon as I left the small box I was hit by the harsh reality of the mirror hanging above the sink. Big blue eyes stare back at me with a sad look. People always tell me I have resting sad face. The water was cold against my hands as I washed with them with cheap pink soap. I tried to tame my frizzy curls but with little success, I gave up and walked outside.

The rest of my P.E. class were walking around the football field outside in their small friend groups. As I hurried to join the slow moving oval I’m stopped by my energetic teacher.

“Hey girly!” Coach Tiff grinned. She wa wearing her usual fitness clothes with her bleach blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. “Having a bad day?” she asked.

I shake my head, my blonde curls bouncing, “Nah, I’m fine,” and continued walking to avoid more conversation.

I love Coach Tiffany even if it doesn’t seem like it. She’s one of the few positive people I know in this shit hole. And she got in an argument with the principle and won so that we can listen to music while working out.

I took my earbuds out and plugged them in my ears. The beautiful sound of FXXX IT by BIGBANG filled my ears as I picked up my pace and walked around the field.

Coach Tiffany waved from far away when it was time to go in and dress back into our uniforms. The rest of the class hurried out of the field, leaving me behind. I went to go get my sweater that I left hanging on the fence in the beginning of class. The students usually leave their things by the fence so I wasn’t surprised to see a small black notebook on the gravel.

Oddly curious, I bent down and picked up the notebook. I opened the cover and flipped the pages, feeling the soft paper slid against my thumb. It was blank. Next to where the notebook laid was a blue pen.

I sighed and thought for a minute. I wanted to write in the notebook but I wasn’t sure why. Before I could even ask myself if what I was doing was right, I picked up the blue pen, clicked it and wrote in my cursive writing.

My name is Rachel and I’m not okay.

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20 Reviews

Points: 2017
Reviews: 20

Sun Feb 19, 2017 6:52 am
voiceofdragons says...

Ooo kpop. You've caught my attention! Haha. The only thing I really see that's off is the dialogue not having a new paragraph. Other than that, I don't see any spelling errors or excessive use of commas, etc. Do you plan to write more of this?

marmalade says...

If its the same character talking you're not supposed to make a new paragraph. And yes.

marmalade says...

It's on Wattpad and there are quite a few chapters. I haven't updated in a few weeks though.

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20 Reviews

Points: 2017
Reviews: 20

Sun Feb 19, 2017 6:51 am
voiceofdragons says...

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36 Reviews

Points: 1594
Reviews: 36

Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:25 pm
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occymay wrote a review...

Hi marmalade!

Well, I will defiantly need to carrying on reading this :) I thought the writing was good and as an army it is calling to me :D

I felt that the character's emotions were really good and very realistic. As soon as you started reading you immediately know what mental state the character is in just through the actions. I also like how you started the piece with speech, it hooks the reader because we want to know why this person it calling out for the main character. It's simple but very effective. The speech is also very good. For example, then the coach speaks to Rachel "“Hey girly!” Coach Tiff grinned." we see her character too and she seems like she will be a very funny character.

I think the first "Rachel!" should be on its own and create a new paragraph for "the door to the girls’ locker room slammed" because for a moment I thought the door was talking to her :D As I was reading this I think I noticed some changing of tense though I'm not 100% sure. For example the second paragraph "Big blue eyes stare back at me" the "stare" is present tense. It should be "stared back at me". I don't think this is a big problem though, there were only a few sentence and I don't know if it was just me.

Overall really great. Keep writing ^_^

marmalade says...

Thanks for the review!

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25 Reviews

Points: 599
Reviews: 25

Tue Jan 10, 2017 4:43 am
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Ithaca says...


marmalade says...

more chapters on Wattpad: ... s-suga-bts

please vote on it <333 :D :D

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7 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 7

Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:18 pm
nozomi wrote a review...

Hey Marmalade! I'm Nozomi and I'm going to review your work today.

First off, I was intrigued by the idea of the plot, with it being the Kpop Band and I think it'll be interesting to see where the story leads. I gather that the story is set not in Korea but somewhere else? Based upon the names and such.

However, I thought that the format for this work was not well suited; it did not feel like a chapter, rather a prologue or extract. My reasoning is because of the story flow, it just felt like something should have taken place before, that set off the chain of events. It left far too many questions unanswered: why is she crying in the stall? etc.

Despite this, praise is high here! The flow in writing and grammar was admirable and I did not feel there was a time where the story took a halt.

"I wasn't surprised to see a small black notebook on the gravel." Is that a death note? :P

Good Work! I look forward to reading more,

~ Nozomi

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40 Reviews

Points: 212
Reviews: 40

Mon Jan 09, 2017 5:29 pm
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DeepRoses says...


marmalade says...

:3 yasssss

A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl