Old Story

Good work Buddy. I thought it was a very dramatic ending and I think you could keep working on it I am very interested to see what happens next.

Keep going sweetheart!

Harpo

Hello there,

You definitely got something going for you in terms of writing skills so you shouldn't abandon writing; however there are things that need improvement.

I can't really imagine the characters because details are very scarce. The only character I could somehow envision was the girl; when I say details I mean: she was reading this romance novel, she threw away the brand new shoes, she was the first one to blurt out she wanted to get married. All those things create a charecter. But you need more; for girl and for others as well. Like the father? Maybe he had a limb maimed from the *war*, or Henry had a gentle curve of a jaw? I don't have any opinion about the mother a well.

Also, as was mentioned before, the dialogue is very awkward. I can see you're trying to make it look sophistiated and 'era' fitting, but there should be more distiction made between the relationships. Sometimes words are not needed, fro example

As my face twitched nervously, I responded, "Um... they are in the trash."

Hey,

I thought it was a great piece, i just don't like the father by the end of the story, but it is a really good story even if the ending is sad.

first let me say that i REALLY loved this story. oddly, it always had my attention. as i was reading, it was as if i was there, watching the story unfold, which usually only happens with very gripping storys, so good job. there was wonderful charecter development, and i felt like i knew them all in a very short amount of time. however, there was one thing that was constantly bugging me. reading the story, i had to wonder, where am I? if this is historical fiction, what time of history is it? how should i imagine these charecter's voices and clothing? is tetra a southern belle? is she a rich brittish noble? is she european or american? irish or asian? the name seemes to imply russian, but henry seems to imply brittish, or american. there was one charecter I knew how to voice, and couldn't bring myself to imagine him any other way. the father was definately southern.

anyways, i like your style, and would be honored if you would check out my newest project "Caleb's story" so i could get some feedback. thanks for making a story worth my time, your freind,
---Psudiname

Hey there,
Can't decide whether I like this or not. I don't really get it and that's making it harder to like.
It has potential but it needs some work.
*First of all, the impression I got from your two main characters were that they came across as far younger than I think you intended. Tetra in particular sounds like a rebellious child.
*Another thing that seemed a little strange, why was her father so happy and eager to play Russian roulette? Did he want to die or kill Henry that badly?
*What is the time period this is set in?
*What is up with her dad and his super-macho attitude? As a previous review said, nearly everything coming from his mouth had to do with the war and being manly. Being in the seminary doesn't even mean he'd be on the battlefield, let alone get shot first.
*One more thing, you used some words that didn't really fit in the time period I think you were going for. Example:( pastor, um, trash)
*The ending was the worst part for me, there was literally no emotion at all. She had tears in her eyes? What about tears streaming down her face onto him, mixing with his blood? Have her scream, faint, curl up into a fetal position, something!
All in all, it is an original idea and one you should definitely work on some more, I'd be happy to read/review it!
*daydreamer

makar7 wrote:A soft banging sounded against my door. "Come in," I said lightly, not looking up from the novel that I had my eyes planted on for the last hour. The door opened to reveal my mother, who gawked at the sight of me. I like this opening. Creates an immediate question that will be answered when I read more (Why is she surprised at the sight of her?) that makes me want to carry on.

"My dear Tetra (Like the name), your school friend is here for dinner and you're not even dressed yet!" she said, while staring at the slip I wore.

"Sorry, I have been too engrossed in my reading to realize the time. Will you help me into my gown?" I asked politely, standing up. I don't think many women were taught to read in the 1800s, but I've probably got both the time period and my facts wrong, so just ignore this. xD

My mother rushed over to me and helped me get into the gown that had been sitting on my bed. Once that was on, she adorned my neck with some jewelry and combed my blond hair, then looked around for my shoes. I get the feeling that these people are rich, in which case they would probably have a maid to dress her. I walked over to where my flats were and handed them to my mother, who looked at them with disgust. "Dear, you cannot wear these. They are hideous and old! What happened to the heels I bought you a month back?"

As my face twitched nervously, I responded, "Um... they are in the trash." Bin or rubbish would probably be a better word, trash is a bit modern and American. If you're writing about the 1800s like I think, Americans would probably still talk like Brits.

Shock came over her face. "Child, how many times are you going to do that.? Ugh, just put those on and let us hope that he doesn't see them." Then she beckoned to me and we left the room.

We made out way to the Parlor, where my friend Henry (Nice name, fits the era) was sitting, clad in his best suit, patiently on the couch. Upon my arrival to the room, he stood and moved over to embrace me. My heart practically leaped as he did. He kissed my cheek and said, "Hello, dear Tetra."

"Hello Henry," I greeted him while staring at his well-cut brown hair and blue eyes. We stood staring at each other until my mother broke the silence by introducing herself. After that we sat upon the couches and exchanged small talk. Our servants brought in tea and cakes during our conversation, since Henry had come for tea.

At one point, I leaned back to far in my chair and exposed my worn shoes. Henry noticed them and commented while smiling, "I like your shoes."

In the chair next to me, my mother looked like she was about to have a stroke. I just smiled back and responded, "Thank you. But, may I ask why? They are worn and old."

He let out a chuckle "They are different, like you."

I could not help but beam at him.

"So (Doesn't really fit the era if he's the man of the house; he'd be stern and probably not talk like this.) Tetra, you did not inform me that your friend was a critic of fashion," a deep, stern voice said. I looked up at the doorway and saw the tall broad-shouldered figure of my father, wearing his old general uniform from the last war. His dress sense makes him seem important and powerful, I like that.

"He's not. Hello Father In the era I think this is set in they'd adress Father with a capital, like a name.," I said politely.

My father grunted as he sat down in a chair next to my mother. "I have never met a man who commenting on their schoolmate's clothing. It is unmanly."

I held back rolling my eyes. "He was merely being polite, Father."

My father took a glance at my shoes. "Well, lying about those ugly shoes is not the way to be polite."

Henry moved to protest, but I interrupted, "Alright father."

Reaching for a glass of wine, my father said, "Well, I'm not one for small talk. In war, small talk gets you nowhere. So Tetra get to the point of his visit."

Angered by his hastiness, I responded, "Fine then." I exchanged a look with Henry, who looked uncomfortable. "I want to marry Henry," I said bluntly.

Surprise spread over his face. "You what?"

"I would like to marry your daughter sir," Henry interjected.

"What do you do for a living, boy?" Maybe add something like 'He sounded angry.'

"I'm currently in the seminary, studying to become a pastor."

More surprise flashed over his face. "That's not a very manly profession. Pastors on the battlefield are the usually the first got to get shot."

Henry tried to respond, but just fell silent.

"We're not on the battlefield, father," I said sternly.

"Well, no pastor is going to marry my daughter... unless, he can prove his masculinity."

Trying not to make offense show in his voice, Henry asked, "How sir?"

A grin spread across my father's face. "Play me in Russian Roulette."

A flash of nervousness showed in Henry's face as he nodded, accepting the challenge.

My father happily ran out of the room to retrieve one of his pistols. I suddenly became afraid. Russian Roulette could be lethal. It could kill Henry or my father. I moved over to my mother and addressed her. "Mother, you must talk him out of it. That is a dangerous game."

She just shrugged. "It is a man's game. They will be fine."

"Do not worry dear. There is a slim chance the game will be lethal," Henry said, smiling. Then my father burst back into the room, holding a pistol and one load. Henry stood up to meet my father.

"You know this game is played, boy?"

Henry nodded.

"Good, then I will go first," my father said with a grin on his face. He put the one load in the pistol and spun the cylinder. Then he held the gun up to his head and fired.

It sounded, but nothing was shot into my father's head. He was safe.

My nerves went wild as Henry took the gun and held it to his head. He pulled the trigger.

It let out a loud bang and suddenly Henry's eyes went blank. He collapsed on the ground and I saw the red spot on his head where the bullet went through. He was dead.

"Henry!" I yelled, tears filling my eyes. I went down to him and held his head. "Damn you, Father!"

"He knew the risk." Good ending. Makes me hate the father.

The only thing I can think of is that her father hated Henry.

Hello there.

This was an interesting story. Interesting concept. I'm not sure if I liked it though.

There are a few nitpicky things that I feel like I must address. First off, the dialouge. It was all very stiff and broken sounding. I know this is historical fiction and you're trying to make it sound historic, but everything they said just sounded very forced. Dialouge should read easy, especially that between a mother and daughter.

Also, what was with the father's weird affinity with the war and manliness? Every single thing he said was all "that's not manly." or "you'd get shot in the war there, you preacher." Is there a backstory to this? If there is then you should give us clues to what it is, if not then I feel it's too much and not very believeable.

The whole thing with playing Russian Roulette was very quick and very odd to me. This father has already got the boyfriend playing a possibly lethal game with him within minutes of meeting him to prove his manliness. I feel that if Henry really loved Tetra then he probably wouldn't risk his life like that. And they played it right there, in front of the women in the parlor and he dies so suddenly you don't even warm the reader up to the idea.

I agree with those who reviewed before me on how you should show their relationship a bit more than you did and that the ending was weak.

I really hope this helped.

Love,
Jade.

This could have been a lot and it wasn't really anything. This reminded me of a poem called "The Highwayman." If you look that poem up and read it you'll find that if Tetra really loved Henry than her reaction to his death would be much more explosive

"Henry!" I yelled, tears filling my eyes. I went down to him and held his head. "Damn you father!"

That is kind of weak. This is the man she loves. Make her wrench the revolver out of her lover's grasp and without thinking shoot it even though the gun wouldn't be loaded. Then she would find out that her father and actually loaded every chamber except one and thus kill herself. Don't end with what you did, please.

Redo it. I personally loved the idea. Just get the details.

Hi Makar.

A few things I noticed straight away (considering the fact that this is in historical fiction etc) that you might want to do some research on.

1) The era in which you are writing. I got the feel of a "just-after-Jane-Eyre" period, but your character's speech do not follow these parameters for word usage.

As my face twitched nervously, I responded, "Um... they are in the trash."

Henry moved to protest, but I interrupted, "Alright father."

My father grunted as he sat down in a chair next to my mother. "I have never met a man who commenting on their schoolmate's clothing. It is unmanly."

My father took a glance at my shoes. "Well lying about those ugly shoes is not the way to be polite."

Reaching for a glass of wine, my father said, "Well, I'm not one for small talk. In war, small talk gets you no where. So Tetra get to the point of his visit."

Angered by his hastiness, I responded, "Fine then." I exchanged a look with Henry, who looked uncomfortable. "I want to marry Henry," I said bluntly.

Surprise spread over his face. "You what?"

More surprise flashed over his face. "That's not a very manly profession. Pastors on the battlefield are the usually the first got get shot."

"Well no pastor is going to marry my daughter... unless, he can prove his masculinity."

"Do not worry dear. There is a slim chance the game will be lethal," Henry said smiling.

It let out a loud bang and suddenly Henry's eyes went blank. He collapsed on the ground and I saw the red spot on his head where the bullet went through. He was dead.

"He knew the risk."