Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

falling out of love

by lillianna



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 768
Reviews: 12

Donate
Mon Nov 30, 2020 6:29 pm
View Likes
Soccer23 wrote a review...



hi again! This is me going on a look-at-art binge!
I really like the unique take and opinion you have on love.
One thing, very minor. Where you say:

unfortunately i can't say there is reason
only that i can't bare to love you
it's nothing you did, i promise
first loves are purely much too complicated for me


I really like this stanza, you are as good a poet as you are an artist. It's really powerful, but a teeny-weeny thing you may want to go fix, is you used the wrong "bear/bare". The bare you used, is like bare feet, or idk, bad example. The correct one would be bear.
I can't bear to love you is what I think would be grammatically correct.


not that I know a thing about grammar.

Keep writing and drawing!
-Soc


Like, actually.




lillianna says...


thanks so much for the review! i%u2019m always confused on what bare/bear to use lol. i will keep writing and drawing!



Soccer23 says...


<3



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 284
Reviews: 12

Donate
Sun Jul 05, 2020 2:43 pm
View Likes
Fadzie says...



Love is indeed a beautiful things and at times we tend to fall in love just too fast and easy. I loved your poem. It's sweet and I can relate. I do not have much to add but just to say keep up the good work.




User avatar
188 Reviews


Points: 6366
Reviews: 188

Donate
Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:12 am
View Likes
LadyBug wrote a review...



HI, Lulon! I'm here to leave a quick review!

THINGS I LIKED:
It flowed pretty well, and was very descriptive!
It was pretty and very relatable.
It was straight to the point, not too many metaphors.
The format was bomb.

THINGS THAT COULD BE IMPROVED:There is no real structure, the lines vary. That can be quite fresh in some circumstances, but in this one it feel kinda choppy. Re-read it aloud and you will see some lines are a mouthful, and could definitely be shortened.
My only other critique is that you use the word love quite a lot. Yes, it has love in the title, yes it's about love, but substitute one for affection or adoration, or explain the feeling more, go in depth, pull our heartstrings!

OVERALL:
I loved it, it was short and while it wasn't sweet, it is memorable! Keep writing!

Jade




lillianna says...


thanks for stopping by! it%u2019s really a raw poem, and i only edited it once. thanks for the review!



User avatar
145 Reviews


Points: 402
Reviews: 145

Donate
Tue Jun 30, 2020 2:29 am
View Likes
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I'm not going to nitpick too much about the small areas that you could improve with word choice (some places you have words that are a bit awkward but it doesn't distract from what you are trying to show).

There's this one line that is much longer than the rest
"something that i wouldn't have know before because the others i never really loved" should be rewritten as it's a bit of a mouthful. It could have been written like
"something that I didn't know before since I didn't love the others" to shorten it a little.

A small issue I have here though is that you are using words such as "really", "obviously", and "so" etc. These words diminish the message you are trying to send and you can strengthen it by using stronger vocabulary.

Overall I see the message that you are trying to send and I can tell you that it takes a long time to fall out of love, but it takes a different amount of time for each person. Personally I've been in this position before and it was very difficult. If you need advice I can help, just dm me :)

I hope I wasn't harsh with this review. Legacy out.




lillianna says...


thank you for being so blunt! this poem is supposed to be raw and busy, trying to display as many emotions as possible at one time. thanks for stopping by!



User avatar
174 Reviews


Points: 3050
Reviews: 174

Donate
Tue Jun 30, 2020 12:09 am
View Likes
JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello there,

I am so sorry in advance if I get a little intense in this.

Again, a poem about love, or well what happens when love goes totally wrong to the point of heartbreak. I am guessing that is your favorite way to express feeling in a poem, or the other viewpoint, which is you have been in a relationship that went wrong. If you'd ever like to talk about anything like that, you can send a PM my way.

The lack of punctuation is a little strange because that can show that you aren't very knowledgeable in poetry, which I think isn't true, but a comma in a few places or a period can help out how others view your poetry. The capitalization is of course fine because it works with the theme of the poem as serious can be neutralized with something more laid back in tone.

The one uncapitalized thing that gets on my nerves is proper nouns like Cancun. Here is my reasoning, "A proper noun is a specific (i.e., not generic) name for a particular person, place, or thing. Proper nouns are always capitalized in English, no matter where they fall in a literature work or sentence." I do see that it would be awkward in this poem with everything not capitalized, but still something to be informed on in case.

I disagree with the other review on rhyming. I think it is the poets choice on how they do everything style wise, so you do whatever makes your poem look good in your opinion. I also say that with everything I made a point of. Poetry is diverse, so I don't see anything 'wrong'.

Have a good day,
Haley.




lillianna says...


thank you for being so blunt. i actually have capitals turned off on my phone, so i don%u2019t really think about that anymore. but, i will remember to capitalize those proper nouns next time, and also the punctuation. thank you for being concerned about my well being. my feelings are always put into poems, so there will be many of these in the future. thanks for stopping by!



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 218
Reviews: 14

Donate
Mon Jun 29, 2020 11:54 pm
View Likes
Ignorance wrote a review...



Heya! galaxygem here to leave a quick review.

First of all, who hurt you? I can feel the heartbreak in this poem, I swear! Falling out of love, as you put it, is never easy, and I feel that this completely shows that. Well done!

Now, for the nitpicks (which I hate to give):

disappointed, stress, sadness and anger fill me


This line right here. I feel like this would be more grammatically correct if you did this:

“disappointment, stress, sadness and anger fill me”

“Disappointed” doesn’t fill you, “Disappointment” does. Try to remember that!

Second nitpick, I can’t really feel the rhythm in this poem. This may be intentional, and I totally understand if that’s the case! But I feel that most great poems should have some sort of rhythm to it, which I was unable to find here.

That’s pretty much it! I hope you keep up the great work!

-✨




lillianna says...


thank you for the grammar point out! it%u2019s not supposed to be the most rhythmic poem, just super raw in emotion and heartbreak, kind of giving the feeling of a hundred different emotions at once. thanks for the review!




akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon