Hi, guys! Fun fact about this story is that it is set in the Philippines. The word "po" is an honorific in the Philippines c:
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You and him on a slightly rainy day. Your friend, Lorlei and his friends shipped you both since you met him. Because they knew he had a crush on you. In a play park, swinging on a swing, his eyes never went off of you. You met him where he lastly met his grandmother that passed away a week from that day.
On autumn, winter, spring and on summer, still the same thing, you don't notice those starry brown eyes always settling on you. But on one beautiful summer day, he asks you to go to the mall with him, his friend, Yeonjun and Alexa.
Love flows within the air as you guys go to TIMEZONE. His friends go to the basketball game machines, while one of his other friend, Daniel dates Lorlei to the racing game machines. You guys with just left up in the photobooth.
You grab him, "C'mon, let's take some cool pictures."
He sighs, "Fine."
You slide three coins in the machine as the machine sound saying, Look at the camera. It flashes as both of you make funny faces as you laugh at him.
"Dude, you're hilarious."
"I know right." He says looking at you facing the camera, smiling as it flashes on your face.
He tries to be cool but he tends to not be cool because of your beautiful mind and soul attracting his heart.
"Hey, we can edit our photos with filters and stickers." You say as the machine shows stickers and fliters.
"I like this 'good day' and 'beautiful' sticker. And the tinted fliter type." He says. "It's a good combination."
The machine says, you have 1 minute and 30 seconds to edit your photo. 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24...
"Do you want it bigger or smaller?" You ask moving the sizes of the stickers.
"Um," he thinks. "I think smaller so the other one will fit as well."
"Cute."
The faded little screams of little children are heard through the pause between him and you.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The machine said and three photos slide out of a rectangular hole.
"Awwww." You say.
Both of you get out of the booth and you show the photos to Lorlei and Daniel.
Lorlei whisper-squeals excitedly. "Ya'll, this is so cute! Where did you guys take these photos?"
"There." Both of you point to the booth where the beautiful memories were made.
"Hey, babe," Daniel says to Lorlei. "Wanna take some pics in there?"
"Yeah, sure." She gets flustered, trying to hide her blushing face.
You, him, and Daniel end up laughing at her cute fail to hide her blushing face.
The next day, you open your phone as you wake up. It's 10 o'clock and you receive Telegram messages from him.
Hey! Do you want to go to the play park where we first met?
I kinda miss it.
Just the two of us💘
sure!! it'll be fun 🤍
sorry i just woke up. i'll be there in ten ig
Okay
I'll be waiting😊
You get up to prepare.
"I'm here." You saying while you see him holding a paper bag from Sliverworks.
He hands it to you.
"What the hell is this?"
"Open it." He says with a small smirk.
You open finding a gold necklace saying 'ily' and a message written in your favorite calligraphy font 'Can we go on a date?'.
You laugh as the question sends loads of butterflies in your chest down to your stomach. "Are you sure about that?"
"I've been wanting it." He says shyly.
"Oh my god." You say shyly. "Ah, I mean, sure. And, um, thanks for the little presents."
"Are you hungry? 'Cause I'm starving, man. You can choose, too." He says trying to be cool again but fails.
"Oh yeah, um," You say, putting up a shy smile that you feel like your mouth and cheeks were about to explode. "I think Pancake House would be great."
------
Once you guys get to the restaurant, you order potato salad and mushroom soup. He orders House Special Set A.
Both of you sit comfortably on each other's chair in the restaurant not saying a word. Just staring blankly at each other.
"Is this your first time going on a date with someone?" He quietly asks.
"Tch." You roll your eyes. "Of course, dude."
Awkward pauses comes between both of you again.
You ask, "Is the food good here?"
"Of course." He says. "I love the tuna salad though. You should try it."
"You wanna order it?" You say.
"Yeah, sure." He rasies his hand to call the waitress named Rachel.
"Yes, sir, how may I help you po?" She kindly walks to your table with a sweet smile.
"May we have an additional tuna salad?" He says.
"Oh sure." She nods her head. "Anything else?"
He shakes his head as 'no'.
"Okay. Thank you sir." She walks to the counter to tell the other waiter.
"It's a beautiful day." You see the sunshine shining out the window.
He laughs. "It's not as beautiful as you though."
You get shocked. "Shut up. We just started. Stop with the whatever."
He laughs as you say that. "You're a dummy."
"You're more of a dummy than I am. You're too down bad for me."
He smirks. "Like you're not."
You scoff and mouth "Dummy."
He just smiles at you.
"Potato salad po. And the House Special Set A. Can you wait for another few minutes for the tuna salad ma'am and sir?" The waiter, James says who took your orders before Rachel did.
"Sure, sure. Can we get the bill with the tuna salad too?" You say.
"Of course po, ma'am." James says.
"Thanks!" You smile at him.
You guys eat as soon as the tuna salad and the bill arrives.
"Do you wanna pay?" He asks you.
"Oh yeah. We can share." You say.
------
Back to the play park, you guys play around on the slide and the swings. The seesaw was the fun part until the sun was setting for the evening.
"Ah, I didn't know this date was gonna be this tiring." You lay down on the soft green grass watching the sunset.
He lays with you too. "Was it fun?"
"Yeah." You smile as he smiles back at you.
"Ah!" You yell. "I wanna go home."
He complains with you. "Me too. But I'm lazy to get a cab."
"Same, dude."
He looks at you stroking you hair. "I wanna play some more."
He get up and drags you to the swings and spins you around and around.
"No, no, no!" You say holding on the swing for your dear life. "Hey!"
He laughs mischievously until you saw five stars in your head.
"I. Really. Really. Hate. You!" You lay down on the grass again.
He scratches the back of his head. "I'm sorry."
He tries to help you up.
You yell. "You idiot!"
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." He says repeatedly.
"It's okay. I'm okay." You hug him until he fell on the grass.
"Ah." He grunts and smiles at you.
You hug him really tight. "Lorlei might be wating for me, you know."
"I don't care. She can spend her time with Daniel and we can spend time together."
You whine. "I have to go."
"No. Stay here." He hugs you.
You sigh. "It's night."
"I don't care." He says. "Did you know that my grandma took me here always from morning 'til night but of course we'll take breaks for food. But all I'm saying is-"
"Okay, okay. I get it. I'll stay."
"Yay!" He wiggles in happiness.
"Can we sleep here?"
"Of course not. There's a limit." He says staring at the guard.
"Ah, okay." You say with your eyes closed.
"They'll close at 7. We should actually leave this place right now because they exactly close at 7."
"Mmh." You open your eyes and look at him smiling the whole entire time at you.
"Bruh, who got you smilin' like that?" You say sarcastically.
"You know who." He says laying his head on the grass and checks his phone. "Great, it's almost seven. You know,I think we would leave now."
"Okay. Bye."
He whines.
You glare at him.
He laughs. "Okay, you can go."
Hi, guys! Fun fact about this story is that it is set in the Philippines. The word "po" is an honorific in the Philippines c:
Well-done.I mean it.The story feels personal and honest in a way not many tales so.The language is evocative and Impressive.You undeniably have a way with words.But perhaps the pacing could use a bit more work ? It's an aspect many writers ignore and really shouldn't.The characterization is good but still feels a little messy.Regardless,you undoubtedly have talent.I look forward to reading your upcoming works.Have a good day !
Okay, I have a few things I would like to mention.
1. I noticed a spelling error with "waiting" in the sentence "Lorlei might be wating for me." You may want to go through the story one more time to check for any spelling errors.
2. There was a misplaced adjective clause that made me unsure about the meaning of the sentence was during the date. The sentence said "the waiter, James says who took your orders earlier." At first when reading it, I was uncertain whether he was asking who had taken the order earlier or if you meant he had taken the order earlier. If you meant that he had taken their order earlier, you should change the sentence to "says the waiter, James, who took your order earlier" for clarity.
3. There were several periods where there should have been commas. I noticed them in mainly sentences with dialogue. (For example, "'I know, right.' He says" should be "'I know, right,' he says" or "'i know, right?" he says".) There was also an error between sentences 2 and 3 in paragraph 1.
4. In paragraph 3, "friend" should be plural, because you are naming "one of his other friends".
5. The last thing I would like to mention for correction is in paragraph 6 when the machine says to look at the camera. "Look at the camera" needs to have quotation marks. If it doesn't have quotation marks, you should find a way to demonstrate that it is what the machine is saying.
All in all, your story was very good. The points are all only a small portion of the story, because they only have to do with grammar and not the actual content of the story, if you understand what I am saying. I hope my comments are helpful to you.
I would like to add a few things I liked in your story:
1. The awkwardness the characters showed when they went on a date or found out their crush liked them was very realistic.
2. The way the friends knew about the boy's crush was so typical of someone's friendly intuition.
3. I liked how the friends also laughed about the other one's blush. That is again, realistic.
4. I enjoyed reading how the two called each other names. It sounded like something friends would do, so it fit in this story of friends who had crushes on each other.
Points: 16255
Reviews: 242
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