lofty thinking

today i would even trade the bird-songs
for my home; they used to make good company
but lately they taunt me with their migration-making
and i have to be careful because
it's dangerous jumping off cliffs and hoping
i remember how to fly when i am no bird;
when i have no wings for flight; it seems i am
only un-nested, only restless, only
flightless dream-making; today i swear,
i would trade every grating bird-song
if it meant i could be home; but since
the sun doesn't barter dreams for wagered melodies
i'll need to make my own songs instead;
humming to myself the trickle sound the river makes
as she catches the sand, under my breath
whisper wishing for the whoosh-sweep
of wind over plains meeting sky mile after mile,
trying to drown out all these taunting bird-songs
calling me to skies i can never, will never, catch,
and sometimes i wonder if the birds
in some tragic echo are singing
for the same reason as i do,
trying to drown out memories of
homes they can't reach
sky-straining; always un-nested;
always only a little too far, so we jump
and dream these straining arms are wings,
and maybe the truth is
we're all a little flightless.

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Sat Sep 18, 2021 9:29 pm

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FireEyes wrote a review...

Hey alliyah! You're really helping me with these reviews. Incoming review!

I have no opening words so I'll start with critique.

always only a little too far, so we jump
and dream these straining arms are wings,

This was the only thing I could find. The imagery comes off as tacky and humorous when the rest of the poem is more somber and serious. I believe that a sprinkle of humor in a serious piece, when done correctly, can lighten the mood while keeping the overall color dark. When I read a poem that does this well, I can see the whole poem in a dark color cloud even with the humorous bit. But with these lines the overall color is a dark color but when I get to the lines I quoted they are colored a more bright color. But that was the only real thing I could find to critique.

Anyway onto compliments. I love the use of birds and wanting to go back home. It really gives me that vibe of Dorothy saying, "There's no place like home," (why did I get teary eyes writing that?)

and sometimes i wonder if the birds
in some tragic echo are singing
for the same reason as i do,
trying to drown out memories of
homes they can't reach

This is my favorite part. Yeah, sure, birds have nests but do they ever come back to it like a safe spot like out homes are for us? Are their songs just a distraction from the place they oh so want to be? Birds have so much metaphorical potential and I would love to see more of what you'd think birds to be.

I also like the punctuation and capitalization style. Even though it's in most of your poetry, it makes this poem feel like you're exhausted from distracting yourself that you can't capitalize your sentences. The visual of the lowercase letters also makes the narrator feel so small, they need to be in a safe place or else something could happen.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! And yeah as i said, I would love to see more bird imagery from you because of all the potential! Anyway byeeeeeeee<3

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Wed Jun 02, 2021 6:06 pm

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Hijinks wrote a review...

Heyo alliyah!

Let's just ~~fly~~ jump right into a review shall we? c:

Starting right at the title, I thought it was kind of interesting that you chose "lofty" as your adjective, since beyond just "of imposing height" it can also mean "proud, aloof, or self-important". So to me at least, I always think of it as having a bit of a negative connotation - and it frames the poem in a wayyy different context than "hopeful thinking" or something.

I have to admit, the first time I read through the poem I got all the way to the end without realizing you hadn't used a single full-stop. And then I was like "oh yeahhh all those semicolons were a bit suspicious weren't they" xD I really like the effect that gives the poem, it makes it feel like it's all being spoken in one long breath. It also makes me read it faster, and adds this kind of anxious franticness to the flow?

My only suggestion re punctuation would be it might be nice to use some things other than commas and semicolons, like dashes or colons or what have you - especially in the middle section from "humming to myself..." to "homes they can't reach", it feels a bit comma-heavy there and I think a dash after "i can never, will never, catch" might add a nice break. (But as we both know! there isn't a right way to do punctuation, that's just my personal taste, so totally up to you what you decide on ^^)

Something I've noticed in a lot of your poetry, and that I absolutely adore, is how you make hyphenated descriptions like "migration-making" and "sky-straining" -> there's just something so poetic about that, and lets you create really specific descriptions that would take a bunch of clunky words otherwise. (Also wanted to mention that I know other reviewers have been iffy about "migration-making" but I personally feel it conveys what you're going for perfectly <3)

whisper wishing for the whoosh-sweep
of wind

adlaskdgjslf the SOUND EFFECTS in these lines, oh my gosh!!!

There's a lot of parallelism (I think? for lack of a better word) and some repetition through this poem, and I think that does a wonderful job at pulling everything together and creating a really strong ending. For example at the start you have "and i have to be careful because / it's dangerous jumping off cliffs and hoping / i remember how to fly when i am no bird;" and then near the end: "always only a little too far, so we jump / and dream these straining arms are wings," and those two ideas tie things together just BEAUTIFULLY :)

And then too, some repetition of sentence structure with "when i am no bird; / when i have no wings for flight" and "only un-nested, only restless, only flightless dream-making;" -> this kind of repetition adds to the restless and homesick vibes of this poem perfectly I think.

There were a couple places where I felt like the parallelism could've been a bit cleaner though, and the repetition was a bit unnecessary.

For example at the start we've got

today i would even trade the bird-songs
for my home;

And then a bit later,

today i swear,
i would trade every grating bird-song
if it meant i could be home;

And I feel like the second instance of this isn't really adding much to the poem? I feel like I've heard you or someone say that if a chunk isn't adding anything to the poem, even if it's pretty, it's best to cut it out, and I think that might work here.

And then there's also kind of parallelism? Where you refer first to the narrator as "only un-nested" and later to the birds as "always un-nested" and I'm not sure how I feel about that because it's not similar enough to be clear repetition and not different enough to be clearly contrasting. (Also before we leave the topic of repetition, teensy nitpick would be to avoid saying "sky-straining" and then "straining arms" so close to each other.)

Beyond those little things, I genuinely can't think of any critiques for this poem. You do a fabulous job of keeping all the images connected, but also diverse and really interesting - like I ADORE the image of "humming to myself the trickle sound the river makes / as she catches the sand" ! <3 and it provides a nice contrast to the sky+bird-song imagery but it also still fits perfectly.

I also think you just NAILED the opening lines. A perfect opening line can be? surprisingly hard to write? and it's hard to know how far into the "plot" you want to start, whether to jump right into the action of the poem or give some set-up, and how much to give away about the rest of the poem, but you somehow managed to figure it all out. The "even" adds all this extra meaning as well, like they've already gone through a list of all these different things they'd be willing to trade for home and now they've reached the end of the list, and are resorting to giving up things they love.

I think I may be rambling now xD So I shall end this review here - I hope this has some useful tidbits in it for you! I super enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, I am always so excited when I see alliyah-poetry in the publishing centre and this one did not disappoint :')

-hatch <3

alliyah says...

((Always be suspect of semi-colons! :] ))

Thanks so much for the shoutout, and sharing all these thought-out notes, and all the kind words hatch! <33 Your points and suggestions on the balance between helpful repetition & redundancy are definitely noted and very helpful for me thinking through this piece! I'll work on that balance when I get around to editing, for sure!

And Ah! I'm glad the beginning came across that way too!

Thank you friend! <3

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Wed Jun 02, 2021 1:39 am

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WinnyWriter wrote a review...

Hey there! This is a great poem! It flows very nicely and just has a smooth feel that moves the reader through continuously without awkward hitches. The senses you have focused on are mainly sound and feeling, and the way you've written it makes it easy to get wrapped up in the sensations. I like the perspective you've taken. To me, it gives the idea of thrilling anticipation and yet fear. Your writing is great. Keep it up.

alliyah says...

Thank you!

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Wed Jun 02, 2021 1:11 am

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Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi Dossereana here to do a quick review on this poem. Also I hope you have been doing well alliyah, if you ever need to talk my PM box is always open. Lets get right into it shell we.

This poem really touched me in such away that made me feel home sick for the place that I moved away from awhile ago. It has such imagery to it, I can just see it all in my head, the home that you morn for, and the song of the birds that make you sadder then you already are.

today i would even trade the bird-songs
for my home; they used to make good company
but lately they taunt me with their migration-making

These first lines instantly called my attention to this poem.
Okay now the reason migration-making is in bold is because I think the making at the end of this line doesn't really flow as well as it could have. here is how I would maybe write the line, now this is just a suggestion so take it or leave it.

but lately they taunt me with their migration and song making

I just feel like it makes the word making flow much better with the hole line. Other then that it's great and it has a wonderful flow to it.

I don't have much else to say about this wonderful peace of writing, you did very well with it, all the emotions came and fluttered into my head, its very sad in away, but very fun to read in another. <33 So keep writing you did so well with this one. I hope to read more from you.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

alliyah says...

Thanks for the review and kind words Doss! :')
<3

Dossereana says...

Sure thing, it was a lovely poem alliyah, you did, really well with this one.

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lofty thinking

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