Young Writers Society

Hey alliyah! Incoming review!

I see we have a lyrical poem here. Let me have a hand at it. Let's get on with the review!

Well, the thing I would critique would be the punctuation. The whole poem is a run-on sentence and I feel with lyrical either there is no punctuation, or there are periods at the end of thoughts and use commas. You use a period at the end that's seen before reading so I have this preconceived notion that this will be several sentences.

But that was my only complaint, let me praise your work here. Summer was and still is a season I dread. So I like seeing a poem about the not-so-nice parts of summer. I like the use of a bucket list in the poem. It's an odd phrase we use. And buckets can be used to catch the drips in a leaking roof. With each raindrop, there are things we want to do but will probably never will.

And my favourite imagery point was

and burn my toes on sandpaper beaches

Thanks for sharing this poem full of imagery such as wrinkled lips, toes, a bucket full of teardrop dreams, sandpaper beaches, rainy days, oceans, a sunburnt heart. All of coarse have a meaning and deciphering that meaning makes the poem fun. It also serves to provide it with a depth it would otherwise not have and expresses volumes in a more concise way.

My understanding:

To me this poem describes a person who seeks out the ocean, even though being there isn’t pleasant, because its unpleasantness makes him feel alive. He has a list of things he wishes to accomplish and which he calls a bucket full of raindrop dreams. He wishes that these aspirations were more ambitious or oceans.

The speaker tells us he fears to swim more than to drown. So there seems to be a certain cowardice towards taking risks. Yet risks are necessary to break the boredom. So the speaker appears to be stuck in a perpetual state if hesitation.

It is called procrastinating, or putting things off for the future. The problem is that the future is constantly becoming the present and there we are again procrastinating when it arrives if we don’t change our strategy

To me a "sunburnt heart" is a heart that is in pain. So the situation is indeed a painful one. We are told that the speaker is willing to sacrifice comfort if it means feeling alive. That contradicts the fear of swimming or doing more for fear of failure. So it serves to describe this inner struggle which keeps the speaker hesitating and perpetuating his own boredom.

Rainy days I understood as unhappy days.
Sandpaper beaches as the discomfort that being in that situation was causing.

Thanks for sharing this very profound psychological insight. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Aley!

Just a couple of nit-picks, here, really: one, I don't think you need "anyways" in your second to last line - it feels off rhythmically, and it gives almost too much of a valley-girl-esque kind of vibe that I don't think you need? I mean, I'm already getting shades of the shallow overlaying something rather yearning, and it seems too flippant to quite jive. But, then again, if that was your intention, then it works perfectly ^^ But, that line itself just feels off - not the sentiment, but parts of the wording. I keep playing in my head with different ways to lead into it, and I'm not sure anything is working better (I played with "but I'm willing..", or leaving out "anyways" or leaving out both words and starting on "I'm willing..." and meh. Anyway).

The second bit that's bothering me is your third line - I think I read things through seven or eight times before I appreciated it? I'm not sure there's anything to be done? Though I think part of what threw me the first few times is "recently," because it's too many syllables for the space it's given? Like, if I read it with "now" or "lately," or leaving the word out entirely I don't trip in my head quite as much?

Lovely words, as always! <3

Battlestar just about covered it all, but I think maybe you could try adding some more words into this sentence, maybe add some variation and some new thoughts. I have a suggestion for your third line however. Try doing this and see how it works

My summer is a bucket list filled
with raindrop-dreams wishing they where oceans
fearing swimming more then drowning I pour my rainy days . . . .

I think that anyways could be replaced.
You had some nice words and beautiful imagery.
Personaly I think you write beutiful poetry myself.
I hope this helped.

I really love your imagery in this poem - it's so pretty! I also really like your use of the dash to group words together and place emphasis on certain concepts. You take a simple complex and paint a beautiful, complex image.

I don't really have any suggestions because I love it the way it is, but I guess you could experiment a bit with the ending punctuation for each line. I think you could separate your thoughts a bit more, and maybe you could add commas (or even dashes and semicolons) at the ends of some lines. I like how you write the poem as one long sentence and don't capitalize the beginning of each line, but I still think separation would be good.

For example, perhaps you could do:

My summer is a bucket-list filled
with raindrop-dreams wishing they were oceans;
and recently I fear swimming more than drowning,
so I pour my rainy days over water-wrinkled-lips
and burn my toes on sandpaper-beaches; because
it goes better with my sunburnt-heart-aesthetic,
and anyways I'm willing to sacrifice comfort
if it means I will feel alive.

I'm just experimenting with using semicolons to separate larger ideas and commas to separate different phrases within these overarching clauses. (If that makes any sense.)

I like it just the way it is, though, so don't feel like you have to do this! Can't wait to read more!