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the eventual meeting of water to my mouth

by concord


my breath leaves as bubbles form,
brewing little clouds around me.
once milky froth weaving through
the calm waves across the sea

i chase the disruptions of peace,
and trace the ripples in the water,
sketching frail wisps of friends
better left forgot to my own
sea of memories lying before me.

your words remain anchors chained
to my expressions, and i still struggle
for a shaded smile in answer to
the hooks piercing my lips harder
than my trodden teeth from 
grinding away any replies.

my feet grace the sea floor, and
i pretend that you're the shadow
haunting my every step.
my hallucinations aren't enough;
your muted curses are as ethereal as
any kind of midnight musing.

i yearn for your lies at this moment
of begging for a release and sinking
further into the sea, choking on the
trickles of pain from years ago.

instead, i lay back to bask in 
my muted memories of your
bitter murmurs to combat the
rising sea levels around me.
my head barely floats above
the water threatening to drown me.


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376 Reviews


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Sat May 19, 2018 1:30 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello!

I am tempted to make a comment about e e cummings, but I shall refrain.

Technical Commentary:

So you have an incredibly strong overall metaphor here, and I absolutely give you my compliments. However, I think there are a number of references to the metaphor that are weaker than they could be, and specifically, those tend to be the references that use the word 'sea.'

The first issue is that you use the word 'sea' a lot compared to all of your other theme-marking words. There might be one or two where you could slip in 'ocean' or some other large/intimidating physical manifestation of water.

Second, the repetition doesn't feel purposeful. The 'sea's don't come in at very similar moments in each stanza, and except for in the first and second-to-last stanza, are not near words with similar sounds. On that note, the fourth stanza might be a good place to replace 'sea' with 'ocean,' as you follow with the 'sh' sound in 'shadow' in the next line.

Last, I don't think the 'sea' carries the correct connotation to match up with all the powerful other images and actions you have in here. This metaphor seems to revolve around being underneath the water, but the sea carries a connotation about expanse. I think there are stronger physical water things you could bring in like currents and trenches which really emphasize the idea of losing yourself in water.

Themes, reflections, and misc. items:

... I have nothing but praise? This poem gets across your idea of drowning people out in both a wonderful narrative arc and a beautifully presented metaphor. Like, I do not know what about your ideas you could really improve upon.

This was a very evocative read. Super awesome job!
-Vento




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Thu May 17, 2018 6:22 pm
Quinine says...



Missing Period:
"the calm waves across the sea*.*"
Missing Commas:
"better left forgot*,* to my own"
"your words remain anchors chained*,*"
"i yearn for your lies at this moment*,*"
Nonsensical Phrases:
"the hooks piercing my lips harder
than my trodden teeth from
grinding away any replies." (how are teeth trodden and how do they pierce? what do they keep "from grinding away any replies"? What grinds away replied and how?)
"my feet grace the sea floor" (graze?)




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Thu May 17, 2018 3:11 pm
Quinine wrote a review...



Nice poem, very vivid :D Kudos to you! Only fix the capitalization and punctuation mistakes, including the lower case Is (in the case of i that means the pronoun I, meaning self, of course). Please make them upper case. Also, add commas where it is necessary. As of now there are some, but not all that are needed.
Please Make These Changes!

Hope this helps,
-Quinine




concord says...


Hey Quinine! I just wanted to say that the capitalization was intentional. I like writing in lower case, and in this case, it has turned into my preference. Also, where do you think I need commas? I hoped the line breaks would help keep the flow intact, but I would like to know which commas are missing, per se.



Quinine says...


Missing Period:
"the calm waves across the sea*.*"
Missing Commas:
"better left forgot*,* to my own"
"your words remain anchors chained*,*"
"i yearn for your lies at this moment*,*"
Nonsensical Phrases:
"the hooks piercing my lips harder
than my trodden teeth from
grinding away any replies." (how are teeth trodden and how do they pierce? what do they keep "from grinding away any replies"? What grinds away replied and how?)
"my feet grace the sea floor" (graze?)



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Thu May 17, 2018 11:40 am
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qalbdaye3 says...



i would love to know the inspiration behind this! it's very well thought out. i'm currently having a tough time finding inspiration. but i hope that when i do i come up with something good like this. <3




concord says...


Welcome to YWS! Thanks so much for your comment; you have plenty of time and opportunities for moments of inspiration, trust me! I like trying to juxtapose certain ideas, in this case the sea and someone thinking about their past. I am very happy that you liked it, so thank you very much!

Cannot wait to see some of your poetry on this website!

<3




But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore