Chocolate tarts, dolls, and Friday afternoons

I wrote this for Lydia1995's Monologue Contest! Hope you guys enjoy it!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this urgent meeting on such a short notice. I extremely appreciate it, and I’m sorry to say I can’t arrange for some tea when the meeting is over. Mummy wouldn’t buy us some snacks --- you know how ungenerous she is.

Speaking of which, I’ve learned a Very Important Lesson today --- life is very, very unfair. Mummy promised me that she would buy me some chocolate tarts when I finish my homework, but all I get for all my hard work is just a pat on my head! I shouted at her, saying that she was going back on her word, and instead of apologizing, she said I was being disobedient and sent me up here!

Guys, this is the last straw. This is the last time that she will send me up to my room! That nasty, selfish witch has crossed the line, and I shan’t tolerate her doing this to me anymore!

So what do you people think we should do? Any suggestions, Marshall B. Ear?

Teddy, I’m sorry, but I don’t think Mummy’s afraid of ghosts, much less people dressing up as ghosts. She’s not afraid of anything --- she killed a horrible spider in the bathtub a few days ago. Nothing scares her, so this plan just won’t work. What is your opinion, Colonel Raggedy Ann?

Hmm…I think Mummy will be even madder at me if I throw all my stuff downstairs and lock myself in. Besides, I don’t think we have enough strength to even dump my bed outside our bedroom.

You have a point there, General Panthera. We can’t do something --- what was that word again? --- Infantile, we must show Mummy that I am wise beyond my years and that she can’t treat me like a baby. I’m already five years old, for the love of God!

Of course I don’t know what Infantile means! Now keep your mouth shut until the war meeting ends, or I’ll fire you, Panthera!

What? You don’t know that we’re starting a war against Mummy? Check the meeting record now, Secretary Bull, and prove to them that they were obviously not paying attention to what I said.

I haven’t said that yet? Well then, I’ll say it now: I, Julia Alma West, declare war on my mother (whose name I do not recall)!

There now! Are you people satisfied?

Now that everyone finished going on and going on about how I didn’t follow usual protocol, let us continue planning. We must use all our wits if we are to win against such a cunning opponent.

Wait --- it seems that Lady Matryoshka has something to say!

Oh, we don’t mind at all! Your expert opinion will be a lot of use to us, given your many years of experience at spying in the Russian military.

This is a wonderful plan, milady! It is definitely fool-proof, and Mummy will have to surrender! What a pity you didn’t invent them hyde…hyde-tro-gen bombs. But anyway, I’m getting off topic again, and we really haven’t got much time.

Major Tigger! I want you to station camps here…and here, so the troops can get into the kitchen more easily. Squadron Leader Barbie! Prepare your most elite air forces for battle ---

Wait a second, Mummy’s calling! I’ll be right back.

Everyone, my mum just said that we can go down and eat dinner now, and that---

Hey! Where did everyone go?

Oh dear. They wouldn’t---

Mummy? Mummy! Don’t move a muscle, I’ll save you!