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madhouse of carousels

by Rosella



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Sun May 28, 2017 3:29 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



This could be my first review for you, so bear with me. I'll be brief.

My first note taken on this piece is that it could do--as pieces rarely do--with some cases of tense changes. Keeping everything locked in the present stifled the narration (I want to say slightly, but) quite largely, and by the end, when I took away my inferences, I was wanting for the maneuverability of tense changes, of fluid time.

Second, your depiction of mental illness isn't particularly fresh, but the imagery is rather in the creepypasta realm, so we'll leave it there and not complain? I particularly like the comparison to the horses racing/heart racing--basically comparing anxiety's heartrate to that of a horse running, even if it is a carousel horse.

And then there's my inference, which is essentially that the narrator is dependent on their significant other in their illness to hold them together, lest they commit suicide. At one point--"press the button--bring my terror to a halt"--it sounds like she's asking the S/O to kill her, and that struck an interesting note for me.

Regardless of all these notes, you have a very interesting piece if unedited. Given some TLC, it could easily be clarified and smoothed out for flowsake (think less of identical lines and more breathing patterns.) I like it in general, but it's not all that memorable. Hit me up and we can chat about it sometime.

Lums




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Sat May 20, 2017 7:02 pm
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VegasLights says...



The name of your poem reminds me of a Melanie Martinez song! Love the poem!




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Fri May 19, 2017 4:12 pm
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marms wrote a review...



Hey Honey <3

I'm here to review your poem, so let's get into it. Immediately, the first time I read this poem (I read over it a couple times before I decided to leave a review) I noticed the similarity and perhaps inspiration from Melanie Martinez. Now that's great but I'm looking at this poem as someone who doesn't see the connection and I have some issues. A madhouse is defined as a mental institution or asylum and while it can also mean a place of confusion and tumult I don't think it works. When I think of a madhouse I don't think of a circus. It doesn't make much sense to me but that's just my thoughts. I would either change madhouse to something else or even better (but harder) explain and show what makes carousels so mad. While you might link them with insanity, some might link them with a fun festival. In English we read Something Wicked This Way Comes and in that novel there is a carousel and that carousel is described in a way that makes it warped and disturbing. The music is playing backwards. It's creepy. This poem doesn't explain the carousel and it's horses in that light.

you're the only one keeping me sane
in a madhouse of carousels spinning
inside my mind of thoughts so unhinged.

I would remove "only" because it just makes it a tad too wordy and in poetry the less unnecessary words the better. "inside my mind of thoughts" is too complicated and can be simplified to "inside my mind; my thoughts are..."
the horses dance to the beat of my heart

Dance is typically a nice thing so maybe find something else. This is a place where you can take my advice and try to put the carousel in an insane light.
as it races with fear and trepidation.

Saying that a heart races is a bit of a cliche. It's been said so many times and I really think you need to add something that's going to make people be like "huh, I never thought of insanity that way".
press the button―bring my terror to a halt
before i shatter the stained glass above

While I loved the first line in this quote, I'm a bit confused about the stained glass part. What do you mean by that? I can't make the connection.
and leaves stitches in your hands―the hands

It would make more sense for the narrator's hands to have stitches or at least fix the wording so this makes more sense. Also the repetition of hands is a bit meh. Perhaps, use a different phrase or word than hands the second time.
that safely clasp my rubbled empathy.

Rubbled isn't a word and empathy doesn't quite fit the insanity theme. When people are insane it's their comprehension that's warped and maybe their empathy but I'm not sure about that one.

marms
(was i too harsh? you did say to tear it up...and well, i still held back, haha).




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Fri May 19, 2017 1:40 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I love the concept of this poem and they way that you have presented it.

You barely have any punctuation (which can be a stylistic choice), but keep in mind that it will be read faster with less places where the readers are forced to pause.

You have this set up as one stanza (which is fine), but the words start to drag a little bit towards the end. I recommend making it into two separate stanzas after "as it races with fear and trepidation."

You use a large vocabulary (which is a good thing), but some people might not be able to understand the words. Keep your audience in mind as you write.

Overall, this is a good poem, but maybe a few minor changes before it is a final draft. Legacy





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