Young Writers Society

Hi! Love the story of this poem, and the rhythm of the lines flows really well. One thing that jarred me when reading was the fact that your first stanza has all four lines end with the same rhyme, so it wasn't until the next stanza that I realized you were using an AABB rhyme scheme instead of an AAAA one. That combined with the first two lines of the second stanza _also_ ending with the "ell" sound makes it feel a bit too repetitious to me at the start. There are lots of possibilities if you were to decide to rework that, but the simplest, I think, could be to just make the third and fourth lines of the first stanza end in "fall" and "all" instead. You have other stanzas that rhyme AAAA, but because you have AABB stanzas before them, it's not as unexpected and sort of feels like it's still using the same rhyme scheme, where A and B just happen to be the same for that verse, so it's really only the first verse that I would recommend changing.

Continuing with the rhyme scheme (sorry I'm going on about it, but for the majority of the poem your rhymes and rhythm flow so well that it feels a shame to leave those few bits that are off), in your third stanza, the first two lines rhyme, the third is a close rhyme with the first two, and then the fourth line (which i love, by the way) has a completely different end sound. I would try to change the third line to rhyme with the fourth, perhaps you could say "the stars we surpassed" or something similar. (If you aren't already using one, rhyming dictionaries are super helpful! There are lots online.)

My only other nitpick is the fifth stanza, where you've switched to an AABA rhyme scheme, although it's not really as jarring because they all have that long "o" sound (well, if you pronounce shone with a long "o"), so I didn't notice it on the first read-through.

Now to look at it stanza by stanza. The first stanza is a nice intro, it makes it feel like a story that could be told by travelling bards, and it introduces both the essence of the main character's story, as well as the idea that this has happened to others, making it a cautionary tale.

The second stanza confuses me though. I thought this story was going to be about someone who started out good and then took the wrong path, but the story starts with him being a fallen angel already (I think, if it's supposed to say he's a fallen angel at the end of the story then it's even more confusing because you haven't made that clear), yet so far he's fallen with "joy and grace". This stanza also introduces the "she" character (and it mixes past and present tense when describing her, and I can't see a reason for that). This leaves me wondering why he fell the first time and how that's relevant to this story, and whether "she" had something to do with the fall. I would recommend either getting rid of the fallen angel bit, or giving it a bit more context and relevance to this story, maybe introducing the love interest in a separate stanza.

The third stanza is good, but it feels like you're going on too long about how in love you were, when you take into account the lines about you being in love in the previous stanza. Also the last line here is really pretty, but it's like the fallen angel bit - it needs more explanation and context with the backstory of their first fall (and why that's relevant to the main story of this poem), or else it doesn't make sense.

The fourth, fifth and sixth stanzas are good, advancing the story well, with clear movement towards the end that we know is coming. However, I believe quicksilver is one word, I think you're missing a space between the fifth and sixth stanzas, and the last line of the sixth stanza seems a bit obvious and it might be more effective to say why specifically she hates him now (she cannot love him because he wants to do bad things, or because he left her, or prioritized fame over love?). It's pretty good though, and there may not be another way to phrase it that fits with the rhyme and meter.

The seventh and eighth stanzas are also good, bringing the story to it's inevitable close. The ninth stanza seems a bit unnecessary to me, though. The line "she'd left my heart broken" feels weird, because it's blaming her for leaving him, even though he left her, and it seems as if in the previous stanza that he'd realized that it was his fault, not hers. And the nursery rhyme bit surprised me when I first read it, and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it. It feels almost trite, and a bit out of place because there's no other references to nursery rhymes in the rest of the poem, but it also makes sense because he's a king, and his wars and soldiers can't change the fact that he has no love. I feel that maybe a better way to end would be to return to the storyteller style in the first stanza, making it feel like you've come full circle, and perhaps give the listeners a moral or advice, cautioning them not to be like the main character.

Ok, I think that's it! Sorry this was so long, I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem, and it's obvious to me that you've put a lot of effort into making the rhyme and rhythm flow well. I like the story and the style, and I hope my advice was helpful!

Fifth & sixth stanza need some space between them, however, that's just a typing mistake. Talking about the poem, I think reader should be able to connect himself or herself to the poem. Of course, poem comes from pure emotions of poet, but I think, after writing any poem, poet should re-read the poem, at least once, from the point of view of the reader. Here, I think you forgot to take account of reader, because at some points, readers may feel some gaps between lines and may have some difficulties to connect himself or herself to the poem. Thank You & Welcome.

Fifth & sixth stanza need some space between them, however, that's just a typing mistake. Talking about the poem, I think reader should be able to connect himself or herself to the poem. Of course, poem comes from pure emotions of poet, but I think, after writing any poem, poet should re-read the poem, at least once, from the point of view of the reader. Here, I think you forgot to take account of reader, because at some points, readers may feel some gaps between lines and may have some difficulties to connect himself or herself to the poem. Thank You & Welcome.