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Noir

by haunted groom


It was late on a saturday night, no stars in sight, the cold chill was cruel. Thomas was on his way home when his car broke down, he was unsure why, so he got out to investigate the engine, no sign of any abnormalities. "Huh, that's weird" Thomas says, he gets back in his car and tries starting it up, it makes a loud popping noise then silent. "That sounded horrific" Thomas says with worry, he gets out and opens the hood, nothing weird or wrong, he hears a thunk towards the back of his sedan, like something hit it.

Thomas walks around his car to investigate, there was a dent the size of a small animal on the trunk. "Oh what the hell is that from?", Thomas opens his trunk and grabs his flashlight, it is a big heavy duty flashlight kinda like police would have. Thomas turns the flashlight on and looks around, he finds nothing.

He closes his trunk and goes to start up his car again, as he turns the key, a piercing loud screech comes from the engine, it sounded like a dying animal; As Thomas heard the noise he gets out quickly and opens the hood and sees nothing. No sign of anything, no abnormalities in the engine.

Thomas takes his phone out to call the police, and as he calls, Thomas felt like something has ran by him, he shines his flashlight and sees nothing, "What the hell was that?" The phone picks up, Thomas says " hello? ". On the other side of the phone is a cat hollering like it's lost, "hello?" Thomas says, something runs by Thomas' feet and Thomas quickly runs to his car and gets inside and closes the door, he hangs up and tries again, it picks up but all he hears is a cat purring, he looks up at his rearview mirror, and a solid black cat with dark shiny blue eyes is standing on his trunk.

Thomas gets out of the car, "here kitty, kitty" Thomas says, as he walks to the back the cat is gone. "What the fuck?" Thomas says, he looks on his trunk and there's four bloody paw prints on it, Thomas' flashlight suddenly turns off, "What the hell?" Thomas says, he turns the flashlight on but the white light was shining red like blood, Thomas drops the flashlight and gets back in his car and starts it up, this time the car starts up, he starts driving down the road, Thomas calls the police one more time and they pick up, "Hello? Sarasota County sheriff's office, how can I assist you today" the police operator says, Thomas replies with " I need help, I don't know what's going on, so much is happening ", He says rapidly; "calm down, and explain your situation" the operator replies.

Thomas tells him all that has happened, and as he is explaining he hears a cat purring, sounds like it's coming from his back seat, Thomas' eyes widen as he looks in the rearview mirror, at the sight of the same solid black cat with those killing blue eyes looking back at him, the cat jumps out of the seat and latches on to his face, Thomas swirves back and forth, screaming as the cats bloody claws dig into his face, Thomas swirves off the road and hits a tree.

A few hours later the police arrive on scene after they traced the call that never ended, all that's left is Thomas' grey sedan, the tire streaks leading off from the road to the dirt into the tree, and his white phone sitting in the driver seat, and bloody paw prints. Thomas was never seen or heard from again and his body was never found. But ever since, people have heard cat cries and purring on that same road.


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User avatar
121 Reviews


Points: 21970
Reviews: 121

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Tue Jan 19, 2021 11:53 am
stygianmoon17 says...



Just wanted to pop in to say something, Noir, it means Black




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12 Reviews


Points: 162
Reviews: 12

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Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:35 am
Vaibhav wrote a review...



Hey,
I am here to review your work.

"It was late on a saturday night, no stars in sight, the cold chill was cruel"

It could be "It was a late saturday night with no stars in sight and the cold chill was cruel"

"Thomas was on his way home when his car broke down, he was unsure why, so he got out to investigate the engine, no sign of any abnormalities"

Thomas was on his way home when his car broke down due to some unknown reason" or Thomas was on his way home when his car broke. To find out why, he stepped out of the car to investigate"

There are few other instances where your sentences could be phased better with the help of full stop in place of comma. It constitutes grammatical errors so you should be very careful that you them in the write place.
Sometimes you are adding unnecessary commas and as result making sentences longer which could se phrased better if they were shorter.

Thanks




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108 Reviews


Points: 19066
Reviews: 108

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Sun Jan 10, 2021 11:29 pm
SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

"That sounded horrific" Thomas says with worry,

A comma is needed after "horrific"

Thomas gets out of the car, "here kitty, kitty"


I need help, I don't know what's going on, so much is happening ",

A comma can't be on the outside of the parentheses like that.

Thomas swirves off the road and hits a tree.

"Swirves" should be "swerves"

This needs a lot of editing. There are run on sentences and so much repetition. Also, the bold text makes it pretty difficult to read.

In stories, you're supposed to show, not tell. Telling would be
"Thomas was scared" whereas showing would be "Sweat ran down his pale face, and his shaking hands grabbed the flashlight." That's just off the top of my head.

Even thought this is supposed to be horror, it wasn't really scary. I get what happened, but it isn't shown in the correct way.




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23 Reviews


Points: 8
Reviews: 23

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Sun Jan 10, 2021 8:42 am
Ducklinstories wrote a review...



Hey ducklin here for a view!
Lets' start shall we?

First-off since it's a horror story I didn't get the real horror vibes or got really scared instead I laughed at your last sentence.
"people have heard cat cries and purring on that same road."
I would suggest to make it a bit more scary because this seems kinda cute to me. If you get what I mean.
For example :
"people still heard as the night fell the deafening scratching of nails and screams of pain and fear on that same road." It's just a suggestion.

As for the pace of your story it doesn't go to fast and not too slow so that's a good thing. Most of the short stories have a way too fast pace.

In my opinion I would try to use some more show and less tell. In that way the story could have had a way more clear view of the setting and scare your readers more.

Your grammar spelling and punctuation is perfectly fine and doesn't need any edit I think.

In general it was a really good story and would surely read more work of you!
keep on writing,
-E.





The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec