z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Tree Girl Chapter 9

by starbean


The doctor, who's name is Dr. Reeds, lead me to a room on the other side of the hospital. She wouldn't let me walk. I had to be in a wheelchair. 

When we got to the room, I was put in a bed and they gave me a blood test. It hurt, but it was okay, I guess.

"Whoa. That is really high." exclaimed Dr. Reeds. "They other cells eating away at your eosinophil cells."

I gave her a quizzical look. Her and Mom left the room.

"What are eosinophil cells?" my mom asks.

"Eosinophil cells are cells that break down cancer cells. There are hardly any left. We are going to need a transplant." I heard Dr. Reeds say to my mom.

"A transplant? A cell transplant? You need other people to give up their cells! How long will that take?" 

"We have artificial cells. It is just as good. I promise. We will need to take her for surgery as soon as possible. Otherwise, your daughter may die." 

                                                                     ***

I could die?

What? 

I was eleven. 

I was too young! 

What about school, and that writing assignment? 

The brook? 

Mark? 

And my last word was "happened"? 

No. 

No, no no. 

I fell back onto the big fluffy pillow and stared up at the white, sterile ceiling. I tried to blink back tears but it didn't work. They came flowing out of my eyes, and I was surprised to hear the sound of my voice, even though I wasn't talking. I fell asleep after a while. 

When I woke up, I was in a different room. There was one other girl there. 

Oh no. What do I do when she asks me my name? 

"Hi. What is your name?" said the girl.

What do I do what do I do.

I looked at her and tried to explain it, but it was as though I had lost my voice. Not only did I not want to speak, I couldn't. 

Dr. Reeds walked in, and the girl again asked me my name.

"She doesn't speak." explained Dr. Reeds. "Her name is Elana."

She turned to me. 

"Do you want a notebook to write on?" asked Dr. Reeds.

I nodded my head.

"My name is Elyse." she said.

I smiled at her. Just a tiny little smile, and her face broke into a huge grin.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
105 Reviews

Points: 1303
Reviews: 105

Donate
Mon Apr 26, 2021 4:52 pm
momonster wrote a review...



Hey hannah! I figured since you're starting this up again, I might as well review this chapter!

This chapter was really good! You're such a great author, and I love reading what you write. There were a few grammatical things I saw here, so here you go!!

The doctor, who's name is Dr. Reeds...

That should be whose here.

"Whoa. That is really high." exclaimed Dr. Reeds. "They other cells eating away at your eosinophil cells."

  • The first thing I noticed here was that doctors don't usually do this. Doctors are supposed to say things like this in a calm way, like, "I don't want you to be scared, but the other cells are eating away at your eosinophil cells. If we don't treat it soon, it could get bad. But don't worry! We have a treatment that will help it go away."
  • I think it should say, The other cells are eating away at your eosinophil cells.
  • And the last thing I noticed was that you switch between present and past tense here. In a book like this, you should pick one, and keep that tense throughout the whole book.

That's it! I'm coming for the chapter 10; I can't wait!!
Momo




User avatar
166 Reviews

Points: 9676
Reviews: 166

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2021 6:22 am
DreamyAlice says...



Nice!




Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 112

Donate
Sun Jan 03, 2021 6:35 pm
SpunkyMonkey wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

who's name is Dr. Reeds

"who's" should be "whose." who's means "who is" and that isn't correct.

"They other cells eating away at your eosinophil cells."

Do you mean "The" instead of "They"? and an "are" is needed in between the "cells" and the "eating" Also, I wouldn't think a doctor would be so unprofessional as to say "The other cells" Be more specific.

Her and Mom left the room.

"What are eosinophil cells?" my mom asks.

You capitalize Mom in the first sentence and then you don't in the second one. Choose whether to capitalize "mom" or not. You need to be consistent.

That's all for grammatical errors.

Glows:

The flow and pacing was spot on! And YAY!!! Elana finally got a friend! I'm really happy for her.
Again, this is very realistic, and I LOVE this chapter. Keep up the good work!

Bye! Have a wonderful day!




Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 63

Donate
Sun Jan 03, 2021 6:25 pm
NastyMajesty wrote a review...



HELLO @hkoetje10! after a couple chapters of catching up, I’m here for your requested review! Anyways, for convenience, I’m just gonna talk about a couple things in your Pat chapters that I really liked!

Okay, firstly... OH NO! I love the concept of this novel it’s great how she progresses from her grandma dying, to how that affects her, to her diagnoses with cancer and I know that’s not necessarily “great” but what’s great about it is that the progression makes sense! So kudos to you for that. Second of all, omygosh... your description for all the nature and vegetation behind the picket fence is just beautiful. Amazing imagery. I liked the concept of the little minnow that was slow when Elana was watching him. Anyways, that was about all I wanted to say for the previous chapters, let’s get into this one!

Grows

So I saw a bit of your dialogue was missing commas at the end of the quote when someone says something. For example:

"Whoa. That is really high. <- there should be a comma here, instead of a period" exclaimed Dr. Reeds.
there’s a couple more instances but I don’t wanna be super nit-picky since it’s really the storyline of this chapter that matters.

My next piece of constructive criticism, is just personal opinion so feel free to ignore! These past chapters I’ve noticed that you tend to not use contractions when someone is speaking and it seems kinda... almost like an unnatural way of speaking, yknow? Like for instance... here:
"Hi. What is your name?" said asked the girl.
for a girl to say something like “What is” doesn’t seem like a natural way of speech... however, you could use “What’s” instead or something like that. As I said, this is just personal opinion so you can just pass by this one.

OKAY NOW MOVING ON TO THEEEE...

Glows

AAAAAAH! Wow! This is just amazing. I absolutely love this chapter! Firstly... NOOOOO DON’T DIE ELANA! Also YAAYYY SHE HAS A FRIENDDDD! I can see this just morphing into an amazing novel so RELEASEANOTHERCHAPTERAHHH! The last sentences have gOtTa be my favorites:
I smiled at her. Just a tiny little smile, and her face broke into a huge grin.
😃 overall, amazing job- just needed a little polishing up! Keep it up, keep writing, and have a fantastic day/night wherever you’re at!
:) <3
~Your friendly neighborhood Majesty of Nastiness~



Random avatar
NastyMajesty says...


also PS sorry for all the notifs of me liking every chapter CX




I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights