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~Mr. Popular and Mr. Nobody~ Chapter 1: Freak

by galaxygem


I walk down the halls, grumbling to myself. Yet another day of suffering in this prison that everyone else calls “School”. I’m Diane Scales, and this is just another day for me. No, I’m not a girl. Just because my name’s Diane AND I’m gay (although nobody needs to know THAT) doesn’t mean that I’m a “pwetty pink pwincess”. I’m a BOY. End of discussion. Okay, well, it doesn’t stop the other kids from talking about it. Especially Vincent Jaxton, #1 jerk face. His little goons and him don’t stop bugging me about my name, my vitiligo (That thing with the blotches of another skin color?), the way I dress... everything. Just like today. Worst part? No one does anything about it, and I can’t say I blame ‘em. I can be a bit of a liar, and people call me “Deceit” or “snakeface”. Sanders Sides is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but the nicknames? Definitely less so. That’s all besides the point, though... I just have 2 hours and 45 minutes of this freak show of a place, and I can go hom- my thoughts get interrupted when I crash into someone, falling down and dropping all my stuff.

“Ow-! Hey, watch it!” I snap at this person.

I look up, and the guy I bumped into is a guy I’ve seen hanging out with Vincent’s group. He’s one of the most attractive ones, but I’m POSITIVE he’s a jerk, just like the others. Oh no...



—————————



Romeo Reign here. I’d like to say I have a pretty good thing going at this school. I have a bunch of friends, a nice group I hang out with, a reputation as “the prince of the school”. Heck, I’ve even come out as bi and been accepted for it. To be honest, I feel kind of bad for the other kids, though. I mean, I’ve heard that there’s a bit of a bullying problem here, although I’ve never been apart of it. Which is why I feel really bad when I crash into this guy with dirty blond hair and tan splotches all over his skin. Heck, he’s actually really cute, but that’s besides the point.

”Oh my, I’m so sorry! Here, lemme help you...” I say as I bend down.

I start to help him pick up his stuff, and he looks pretty surprised for some reason. 

—————————



I am surprised. I didn’t exactly expect this guy to help me out today. I wonder if this is a trick, and try not to feel hopeful, but still...

“...Oh, uh, thanks... sorry, rough day...” I mumble, looking down as we pick up.

The guy nods. “It’s cool. I get it,” he says calmly with a small smile.

And I feel it; the butterflies, swarming in my stomach when he smiles at me. Oh god. No no no, I can’t catch feelings! I’m just gonna get myself hurt even more... We finish picking up. He gets up, and... helps me up? Why is this guy being so... nice to me...?

“Still, I really am sorry for bumping into you. It’s forbidden for humans to touch the beauty of an angel such as yourself,” he says with another grin.

Ohhhh no you don’t, mister. Don’t make me fall harder. I get super tense, and I can feel my face heat up. No no no!

”I-I- uh... I r-really need to get to class...” I mumble, squirming a bit.

The guy chuckles. “You do that, then. I’m Romeo, by the way.”

Romeo. I know that; he’s one of the more popular kids. Which makes me wonder WHY he flirted with me, of all people. I hesitate, knowing that he’s gonna make fun of my name.

“I-I’m... Diane.”

“Alright then. I’ll be seeing you, Diane.” Romeo shoots one more, really charming, smile at me, before walking off, leaving me standing there in confusion and embarrassment.

As I walk to class, all I can think about is Romeo and the things he said to me. Beautiful? Angel? Does... does he really mean all that...? And why is he so... perfect? No... I can’t get my hopes up. It’s probably just some stupid joke. Still, I can’t help thinking about him as I take my seat in the back of the class.


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Mon Jun 15, 2020 2:17 am
ILikeBirbs says...



this is great!




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Mon May 25, 2020 11:03 am
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Magebird wrote a review...



I saw you posted the first chapter of your story over in a recent blog post, so I thought I'd check it out and leave a review! I skimmed over it quickly before I actually started reading it, and the moment I saw the name "Romeo Reign" I knew it was heavily inspired by Sanders Sides - especially after the conversation we just started about it! :)

Now, let's get into this review!

I looked at the reviews IconspicuoslyAlpacaing and Tuckster already left on this work to make sure I didn't repeat too much of what they already said, but I agree with a lot of both of their reviews.

The perspective change can be a little jarring; it helps that your story is written in first person, and that both Diane and Romeo (I love his name, by the way!) introduce themselves to the reader earlier on. It might be better to stick with Diane's perspective for this chapter - it's always fun seeing how someone like Diane views the school they go to. Sticking with the bonus of Diane also has the added bonus of adding to Romeo's mystery. Diane says that he sticks around with a group of bullies, but we know from Romeo's two paragraphs that he doesn't seem himself that way. The reader knows Romeo is inherently a good person, which takes away from some of the fun of Diane's confusion at the very end.

The Sanders Sides reference was a nice touch, but it also is a little jarring because it implies your characters know their source of inspiration. :P

You can definitely keep it in if you want to, but you can also mention where your inspiration came from in an author's note at the top of the story. You can see an example of how you might want to format an author's note here; I've also put the entire author's note in bold on older works of mine.

Grammar is another weakness of yours, but first person has a nice little bonus - a lot of grammatical choices can be passed off as Diane's narration style. Especially all of his internal panicking about Romeo.

Speaking of which, that's the perfect segue into the next part of my review! I wanted to gush about what I love in this first chapter, and what I'm excited to find out more about.

I already mentioned how much I loved Romeo's name, but I also love the names you came up with for Dee and Virgil - Diane comes across as more of an oddity, while Vincent sounds like the name you would give a bully. Seeing that their inspirations used to be friends and that seems to be the reason for the conflict between them, I'm really interested in learning more about why Vincent messes with Diane so much.

(I also can't wait to see the rest of Vincent's group!)

What I really love in this first chapter is Diane's sense of panic when talking to Romeo. There's no faster way for me to like a protagonist than seeing them gush about their love interest.

This part in particular made me fall in love with Diane's character:

And I feel it; the butterflies, swarming in my stomach when he smiles at me. Oh god. No no no, I can’t catch feelings! I’m just gonna get myself hurt even more...


It's just really cute, and makes me want to see him panic more about his feelings towards Romeo in later chapters. I really hope he has someone in his life Remus that he can gush about the meeting with Romeo to, but, if not, I hope this story ends with him becoming friends with Romeo's friend group.

All in all, I really love this story! Please let me know when you post another chapter - I want to keep reading it.




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Fri May 22, 2020 3:42 am
IconspicuoslyAlpacaing wrote a review...



Howdy Hey! I really liked this as a start to the story, but I have a few notes. So let's jump into that, shall we?

- I found Diane to be kinda annoying (although this is a little subjective). I completely understand that he is a moody character, but he antagonizes the reader almost immediately. I don't read to get yelled at, y'know? It felt very 'pretentious middle schooler who isn't like n0rMaL kids uwu' if you know what I mean. Like I said, having a generally moody or defensive character is totally fine, but you need your audience to like them first. His chemistry with Romeo is great, though, so kudos for that!

- The grammar. Oh lord, the grammar. There were multiple instances where I had to reread an entire passage purely due to the sheer number of errors. I get it, English is dumb and hard, but I'd strongly suggest proofreading multiple times, having a friend read aloud, or just running it through a grammar checker.

- Lastly, while I also love Sanders Sides, and appreciate the reference, if you plan to have a wider audience, maybe don't make such obscure references? (Not that SS is obscure, but it's not exactly mainstream, either.) If you make any at all, make sure that on average person would get it. I know it feels Basic TM, but it can dampen the entire reading experience if someone has to constantly google what on earth you're talking about.

I hope this was helpful! I look forward to what you have to offer as a writer!

-Icon




galaxygem says...


Thank you, Icon! I%u2019ll definitely take your review into consideration.



galaxygem says...


Thank you, Icon! I%u2019ll definitely take your review into consideration.



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Fri May 22, 2020 2:22 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there galaxy.gem! Tuck dropping by with a quick review for you.
(As a freebie side note, I accidentally typed it as galaxyy.gem at first, so if you're ever considering a username change, I volunteer that one)

I really like how you successfully established the premises for an unlikely romance. Already, you've set up your main characters, one of whom is a sulky, conventionally unattractive and unpopular high schooler, and the other is a conventionally attractive, popular, charismatic, outgoing, friendly, flirtatious high schooler. You have a strong contrast between them, but within their first interaction, there are sparks flying. It's an electric and well-crafted interaction that perfectly sets the scene for an excellent story.

That being said, I think your story could be strengthened if you added some physical indications of what your characters are doing. For example, when you describe Diane's surprise, you can describe how his ears are reddening, or his eyes are constantly out of focus, or his arms are limp, or another physical characteristic of surprise. It'd strengthen your story by adding another layer of detail as well as show rather than tell.

Secondly, I found the switch in perspectives to be confusing and somewhat overwhelming. Perspective switches can be a powerful tool in prose, and I think it's something that would work well in this story, but since each perspective was cut off so abruptly it ended up being very disruptive to the flow. However, that's just my take on it, so don't feel any obligation to cut that part of the story if it's something you really like. If you decide to keep it, however, I'd recommend that you make each section longer by adding detail and some more action so it's not quite as disruptive.

And as a final, second side note, I noticed that you left a blank comment on this work and deleted it just to keep the comment section nice and neat. If you have any further questions about that or my review please feel free to reach out! I enjoyed reading this and wish you luck with your future writing!

Best,
Tuck




galaxygem says...


Thank you so much for the review, Tuck! I%u2019m new here, so you actually have the honor of being my first review. I appreciate it!



galaxygem says...


*I%u2019m



galaxygem says...


Y%u2019know what nvm xD



Tuckster says...


Aw, I'm honored! If you have any questions about the site feel free to ask me, I'd be happy to help!




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