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seconds passing by

by fraey


piece by piece i’d fall apart for you
if only to keep you shining around me

that faded mosaic of a well-sought turntable
i only dream of after quiet words past midnight


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83 Reviews


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Reviews: 83

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Tue Sep 24, 2019 1:45 am
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Daughter wrote a review...



Hi, there, fraey! I'm @Daughter, stopping by to leave you a review!

This is a short piece, but I really didn't feel like you needed to add any more to it. You've done so much with so little, which is so cool. It can be really hard to accomplish such a task - to keep your reader on their feet and coming back to read again and again, each time finding something different about your work. I'd like to thank you for making every word of this look so flawless; and so delicate.

Because of the length of your piece, there isn't much I can critique. However, I really have to agree with both Mage and CJ - the ending doesn't seem finished. I feel there could be just a little bit more that you could add. There could certainly be at least one more stanza; I believe that would help your poem complete itself in a more satisfying way.

Other than that, however, I can simply just compliment and praise your imagery. It's just absolutely gorgeous in all ways, particularly in the second stanza. You have such a pretty way of weaving your words, and I simply can't find anything that I would change.
I really hope you consider what I and others have said. Thanks so much for sharing!

Regards,

Daughter <3




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14 Reviews


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Sun Sep 22, 2019 4:56 am
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kaceymackwriter wrote a review...



Hi! This is quite interesting and I've had to read it a few times over again to even begin to try and understand it. I like your imagery but I'm really unsure of what the last two lines mean. I think there's a story of giving yourself up bit by bit for someone else and how it turns into a repeating memory at night but it's unclear. Regardless, though, even as it only has a few lines, this was clearly a well thought out poem with more to say in just a few words than many. Due to its short length, this really forced me to think hard about what you could be trying to say because I didn't have much to go on. I really love poems like that because as I reread more and more, I develop an even deeper appreciation for the artists'/poets' work. Here you've given me something that I will continue thinking about for a while and I thank you for that. You've done a good job here and I can't wait to read more of your work!

~Mack




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509 Reviews


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Mon Sep 16, 2019 9:20 am
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hey there, fraey! Since you've spent the past few days reviewing my works, I thought I'd return the favor and review some of yours! Be prepared for lots of reviews over the next few hours or days.

This poem is a short one, so I don't have too much to say about it. I do love how the title fits the brevity of the poem - seconds are quick, just like this poem is. I also love the implications it has for the meaning of the poem; theoretically, the poem takes place over just a few seconds, rather than a longer period of time.

I'll admit that I understand the first stanza more than the second one. It's clear that the speaker loves someone else and is willing to do anything for that love from the first stanza, but the second stanza isn't as clear. I really do love the imagery there, but I agree with what @CJ6233 said before me - the ending feels abrupt. It might be a good idea to add another pair of lines either before or after to clarify the meaning of the poem, but it's ultimately up to you.

Other than that, I couldn't find anything else to give constructive criticism on! This is a very interesting poem, and it's actually why I've decided to review some of your poetry. I was already considering it, but this poem really won me over.

Image




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Mon Sep 16, 2019 6:44 am
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CJ6233 wrote a review...



Is this finished? If it is it's kind of an abrupt ending, I'm uncertain of what's going on but your choice of words is lovely.

If it isn't finished, it seems like a good starting point, and maybe just shift the story into a different flow? I don't know I'm still kind of confused over the ending so my thoughts are a bit lost. I kind of understand where you are going with this but at the same time still confused.

Just expand the ending more or explain it, and use a punctuation because reading this it's as if all 4 lines are 1

Other than that it's nice :)

-CJ6233





Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain