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partial-asterisms above us

by fraey



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151 Reviews


Points: 10736
Reviews: 151

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Sun May 26, 2019 8:15 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out of the Green Room!

First of all, I love what you've done with this piece! It's a lovely poem! I'm going to go over what I think of it generally and then give a couple more nit-picky lines.

The overall sense I get from this poem is wistfulness and sadness and melancholy retrospect. It's a beautiful, beautiful piece and I love the emotions it evokes in me when I read it. It's like a sigh, a whisper, looking back into the past and conjuring a vision of the future all in one. I think that's really spectacular and wonderful to read.

One thing that I think doesn't quite make sense is the last line. It actually seems to be telling me that the two people have different endings after death. One will be in the grave, and the other floating out in space. Does this reflect two different beliefs? Is one atheist and the other more spiritual, for example? Or is this some reflection about being separated by death, with one person gone and the other still living? Is one a regular person who will be forgotten by time, while the other is a legendary or heroic figure who will live forever in the public memory?

The second verse, "these constellations of figure-shiny beacons were your weary-old home," seems rather hard for me to follow. The word order and the hyphens confuse me, actually. My mind thinks that saying "shiny figure-beacons" would make more sense than "figure-shiny beacons." I read beacon as the subject and shiny and figure as being description of them, so the way it's written makes it harder for me to follow. The same with weary-old home, I think a comma between weary and old would make more sense. However, it is your poem, your artistic liberty there and you should do what you think makes the most sense. I'm just giving you feedback on what impression it leaves in the mind of the reader.

I am also not really sure what the title is supposed to convey. It doesn't really strike me as being pertinent to the piece, nor does it lend itself to any atmosphere or setting for it that I can perceive. I might just be a bit dense, but that's my impression is that there is a disconnect between the title and the poem.

As was commented already, I think lightening the text slightly (keep the same color but make it slightly lighter) would make it easier to read against the background. Where the text crosses the galaxy can be a bit hard to read.

Overall, a lovely poem! Keep up the good work!

Happy Writing (and Happy Review Day!)

Toboldlygo




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35 Reviews


Points: 58
Reviews: 35

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Thu May 23, 2019 2:28 am
CorvusQueen wrote a review...



this is a lovely little poem I like the way you used the background to add the poem. my one word of advice is to avoid using a text color so similar to the background. the lack of capitalization took me by surprise but is in keeping with the tone of the poem.

you seem like a good writer and I would like to read more from you.

~Corvus





cron
Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault