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partial-asterisms above us

by fraey



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509 Reviews


Points: 5369
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Mon Sep 16, 2019 9:34 am
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hello again. :P

This is a really cool piece of poetry! I love how you combined a visual image with the poem that you had written - combining that with a different font choice made it feel even more whimsical than it already felt. As @Corvus mentioned before me, the text was a little hard to read thanks to it being a similar color to the background, but that's something that can easily be fixed.

Were those kennings, by the way? I thought it was just interesting adjective choices at the beginning, but by the end I was getting flashbacks to learning about kennings in British literature last year. If they were, nice job on coming up with them! I can't come up with kennings on the fly to save my life, but all of the ones you came up with felt natural and unique.

The only one that felt a little off was "earth-grave" but it fits what I think of when imagining kennings - I don't think it really needs to be changed.

Speaking of natural, I love how natural this poem felt. Describing the stars already makes me feel connected to nature, but the rest of your poem - especially when paired with that background - reinforced that feeling.

I've tried to come up with more constructive criticism for this, but I can't think of anything else. This is a really strong and interesting poem, and I hope the others ones I'm going to read today are just as impressive.

(I'm sure that they will be!)

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155 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2019 8:15 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out of the Green Room!

First of all, I love what you've done with this piece! It's a lovely poem! I'm going to go over what I think of it generally and then give a couple more nit-picky lines.

The overall sense I get from this poem is wistfulness and sadness and melancholy retrospect. It's a beautiful, beautiful piece and I love the emotions it evokes in me when I read it. It's like a sigh, a whisper, looking back into the past and conjuring a vision of the future all in one. I think that's really spectacular and wonderful to read.

One thing that I think doesn't quite make sense is the last line. It actually seems to be telling me that the two people have different endings after death. One will be in the grave, and the other floating out in space. Does this reflect two different beliefs? Is one atheist and the other more spiritual, for example? Or is this some reflection about being separated by death, with one person gone and the other still living? Is one a regular person who will be forgotten by time, while the other is a legendary or heroic figure who will live forever in the public memory?

The second verse, "these constellations of figure-shiny beacons were your weary-old home," seems rather hard for me to follow. The word order and the hyphens confuse me, actually. My mind thinks that saying "shiny figure-beacons" would make more sense than "figure-shiny beacons." I read beacon as the subject and shiny and figure as being description of them, so the way it's written makes it harder for me to follow. The same with weary-old home, I think a comma between weary and old would make more sense. However, it is your poem, your artistic liberty there and you should do what you think makes the most sense. I'm just giving you feedback on what impression it leaves in the mind of the reader.

I am also not really sure what the title is supposed to convey. It doesn't really strike me as being pertinent to the piece, nor does it lend itself to any atmosphere or setting for it that I can perceive. I might just be a bit dense, but that's my impression is that there is a disconnect between the title and the poem.

As was commented already, I think lightening the text slightly (keep the same color but make it slightly lighter) would make it easier to read against the background. Where the text crosses the galaxy can be a bit hard to read.

Overall, a lovely poem! Keep up the good work!

Happy Writing (and Happy Review Day!)

Toboldlygo




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39 Reviews


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Thu May 23, 2019 2:28 am
Corvus wrote a review...



this is a lovely little poem I like the way you used the background to add the poem. my one word of advice is to avoid using a text color so similar to the background. the lack of capitalization took me by surprise but is in keeping with the tone of the poem.

you seem like a good writer and I would like to read more from you.

~Corvus





Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain