Hi Foxmaster, mint here with a review! ^-^ This seems like a lovely spin on classic fairy tales, with Snow White's villain and Maleficent being friends and Snow White and her prince seemingly being transported to the modern world. You've established some intriguing characters, and I'm interested in reading further!
My main piece of feedback would be about the descriptions; the section up until the figure speaking seems to be made up of a lot of statements involving "telling" rather than "showing." (For example, the narrator tells us directly that the figure seems stressed, instead of showing it through having the figure look around frantically or mutter something worriedly under their breath.) Also, I would love some more description of the restaurant! Are there villains sitting at the other tables as well? What are the decorations like? Is there music? A couple more lines could help the scene really come to life for the readers!
Alright, and now for some specifics...
Begin with a dark forest in a place called Evelor, also known as the real Disney land.
The "real Disney land" has me hooked right from the start. xD I wonder if villains in this story know that their tales are being told in the modern world?
It is night, so you can see many shadows swooping around the place, literally.
I would delete "literally" here. I don't see a way that shadows swooping around the place could be taken metaphorically? So I think it's fine to just leave it without the "literally." But if you want to emphasize that the shadows are swooping around, you could add something about it seeming like the shadows have a mind of their own or something...
"You know the drill," it says saucily.
I love saucy trees. xD Is the drill to use magic to open the door? Hmm... is that how they make sure only magic-users can get into the restaurant? Just speculating here. >.>
"Yoo-hoo!" yells a loud, perky voice from the hallway. "Say her name too many times, and this is what happens." Maleficent mutters.
Make sure to use a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks! It helps make the dialogue clearer. ^^
The two of them were quite close to a divorce.
Ohoho, so happily ever after was a lie. I'd like to know what went wrong! Were they happy for a time? Or was Snow White never in love with the prince? Your choice whether to explain that now or later or never, though, of course. :]
They land with a hard thump on what looks like a sidewalk.
Does Snow White know what a sidewalk is? >.> If not, I'd suggest describing it as a hard square of gray stuff or something, because that's what it'd be like from her perspective, haha.
"Shoot!" says the dog.
A talking dog? Alright. Now, why might the dog be cursing? Did the dog do something to summon them?? 0.0 Hmm...
Thanks for sharing, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night! =D
Points: 9446
Reviews: 166
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