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Young Writers Society

Ever After-Season 1, Episode 1

by foxmaster

Part 1: the swap

Begin with a dark forest in a place called Evelor, also known as the real Disney land. It is night, so you can see many shadows swooping around the place. A dark figure is racing in the spots where you can see no shadows, so there is only light. The dark figure is wearing a mysterious cape so we cannot see their face. Who is the dark figure? You cannot tell, for it is too dark to see.

A large orange moon is hanging low in the sky. The dark figure seems very stressed, and starts running even faster now. They jump over leaves and branches that fell down because of the shadows, which are loosening them on purpose. 

Suddenly, our mysterious hero arrives at a large, gigantic tree. The person knocks a few times, and then speaks in a mysterious language that sounds like gibberish, honestly. Suddenly, the wood on the tree seems to be moving, and it's shaking around, until it clears a space to make a very large door. 

However, as we might gasp, the figure doesn't, and is about to walk through the door, until they realize it has no handle.

"Really?" they ask in an annoyed tone. "You can't have a doorknob at least?" A face appears on the door, looking smug. "You know the drill," it says saucily.                                                                The person sighs, and then pulls out a hand with nails painted dark purple from the depths of the robe.  They snap their fingers, and the door swings open quickly, leading into a hallway lined with torches. While it should look scary, it actually looks very relaxing, almost.

The person walks down the hallway, some light fog winding around their ankles, but they wave it off quickly. They walk down the hallway, until they reach what looks like a restaurant. They slowly look around, silently searching for someone, and they see them.

"Yes! Rachel!" yells a voice, and they look at the person. Or, more accurately, fairy. Evil fairy. Rachel walks over to the person she was looking for, happy they had a change of outfit. It would stick out too much. She sits down across from the person and lowers her hood. She has dark purple hair and a dark green dress. Then she looks over at the person across from her. 

"So, good to see you." says the person. She looks like someone you know you would have seen somewhere, and you would be right- because the person she is sitting with is Maleficent. She smiles, and Rachel is glad she is not wearing her horns.

"How are things going with Snow?" asks Maleficent. Rachel stares at her, not knowing what to think. 

"Well, you know about the lava boots..." she says quietly. (Rachel is the witch from Snow White.) "Buuut then she felt bad, so..." she reaches across the table for a scone from Malificent's plate, and she glares at her. 

"I am glad you're ok." she says. Rachel grins, no longer the evil kind. "Me too. But, heck, I get along with Red and Harry much, much, better." Maleficent sighs. "Not her."

"Yoo-hoo!" yells a loud, perky voice from the hallway. "Say her name too many times, and this is what happens." Maleficent mutters. 

"Oh, come on Mallory!" Cries Rachel, using her friend's actual name. "She's not that bad!" The next thing they know, Red Riding hood (no longer little) comes into the restaurant riding Harry, the Big Bad Wolf. 

"I'm guessing you've all been following my health food program?" she asks, and adds after a moment: "Oh, wait. That's Hansel and Gretel." She looks pointedly at the woman cleaning the counter up front, who glares right back. "It's not my idea to do two jobs at once." she growls. 

Red rolls her eyes disdainfully and notices the two villains. "Why, Rachel!" she says happily. "How nice it is to see you!" Rachel smiles back, not needing to fake it. "Naturally," she says.


"Well." says Snow White, staring at her prince. The Dining room is unnaturally quiet, and both of their chairs are on the opposite sides of the table. Her words shatter the silence, while before all you would hear is the clinking of china and silverware.

"Yes?" asks he. "What do you think? Castle life not for you?"

"No, it's not that..." Snow lies says. "Its just... it's sort of boring here. Nothing to do." 

"You suggest something chaotic?" Her prince raises an eyebrow skeptically. "I would have never thought of that."

"Of course I don't chaos!" Snow can't help but roll her eyes. Yes, her life was beautiful now in the castle, but also oddly dull. Just dresses and waving. The two of them were quite close to a divorce. "Why would I want that?"

"Then what is it then?" Her prince asked. "What do you think?" Snow stood up and slowly walked over to a table near the dining table. It was very long, covered in interesting knick-knacks from all of Evelor. She reaches out to touch one of the identical boxes, the one that holds the lava boots. She goes to open it, and touches the inside, just for kicks. 

"I just want something to happen-" The next thing she knows, her and Charles are flying through the air. They land with a hard thump on what looks like a sidewalk. She looks up, and sees some strange people (and a dog) right next to her, looking just as confused.

"Shoot!" says the dog.

Is this a review?



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166 Reviews

Points: 9446
Reviews: 166

Sun Mar 26, 2023 10:43 pm
Spearmint wrote a review...

Hi Foxmaster, mint here with a review! ^-^ This seems like a lovely spin on classic fairy tales, with Snow White's villain and Maleficent being friends and Snow White and her prince seemingly being transported to the modern world. You've established some intriguing characters, and I'm interested in reading further!
My main piece of feedback would be about the descriptions; the section up until the figure speaking seems to be made up of a lot of statements involving "telling" rather than "showing." (For example, the narrator tells us directly that the figure seems stressed, instead of showing it through having the figure look around frantically or mutter something worriedly under their breath.) Also, I would love some more description of the restaurant! Are there villains sitting at the other tables as well? What are the decorations like? Is there music? A couple more lines could help the scene really come to life for the readers!

Alright, and now for some specifics...

Begin with a dark forest in a place called Evelor, also known as the real Disney land.

The "real Disney land" has me hooked right from the start. xD I wonder if villains in this story know that their tales are being told in the modern world?

It is night, so you can see many shadows swooping around the place, literally.

I would delete "literally" here. I don't see a way that shadows swooping around the place could be taken metaphorically? So I think it's fine to just leave it without the "literally." But if you want to emphasize that the shadows are swooping around, you could add something about it seeming like the shadows have a mind of their own or something...

"You know the drill," it says saucily.

I love saucy trees. xD Is the drill to use magic to open the door? Hmm... is that how they make sure only magic-users can get into the restaurant? Just speculating here. >.>

"Yoo-hoo!" yells a loud, perky voice from the hallway. "Say her name too many times, and this is what happens." Maleficent mutters.

Make sure to use a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks! It helps make the dialogue clearer. ^^

The two of them were quite close to a divorce.

Ohoho, so happily ever after was a lie. I'd like to know what went wrong! Were they happy for a time? Or was Snow White never in love with the prince? Your choice whether to explain that now or later or never, though, of course. :]

They land with a hard thump on what looks like a sidewalk.

Does Snow White know what a sidewalk is? >.> If not, I'd suggest describing it as a hard square of gray stuff or something, because that's what it'd be like from her perspective, haha.

"Shoot!" says the dog.

A talking dog? Alright. Now, why might the dog be cursing? Did the dog do something to summon them?? 0.0 Hmm...

Thanks for sharing, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night! =D

foxmaster says...

thank you!

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579 Reviews

Points: 76
Reviews: 579

Thu Mar 23, 2023 9:29 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...

So why is Mallory friends with the villains? Seems a bit…SUSPICIOUS. I guess I’ll have to find out in the next episode. Snow and Charles must have already switched bodies with regular people. Snow can talk to animals, so maybe that’s how she heard the dog talk. (It’s been a while since I watched the vintage Disney Princess movies).

I like this! Snow is my favorite character so far.

I wish you an amazing day/night.

foxmaster says...

thank you!

vampricone6783 says...

You%u2019re welcome! :)

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6 Reviews

Points: 251
Reviews: 6

Mon Mar 20, 2023 12:58 pm
FlameCatcher57 wrote a review...

This was a funny intro, and I think episode 2 will be even better. I really like the part when the prince asks if castle life is not for her, and she says "No, it's not that..." but here comes the funny part. You found a way to cross out "Snow lies" And leave the letter, but add "Snow says" at the end. I realize these last few sentences do not make sense, so read the book to see what I mean! Thanks for part 1!

foxmaster says...

Thank you! I will try to fix the end part.

I don't do time.
— Liberty