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Dark Side of the Coffee Machine 1: Ohio

by foxmaster


It was quite dark out, and a police officer covered in mushroom tattoos was strolling down the sidewalk, half illuminated by a street lamp, patrolling the area. Her real name was Nelly, but everyone called her mushroom, hence the tattoos. Her dog, Princess Paws, walked behind her, full of excitement. 

"Come on, Spotty!" said Mushroom cheerfully. Had Princess Paws been a human, she would have pointed out her actual name. She was not, so she just barked loudly enough to signal all the people (and villains) in the area where she was. If Mushroom had not screwed up so terribly, she would not have been... you know, we'll save that for later. 

Suddenly, two hands covered in sparkly princess gloves grabbed Princess Paws by the waist, and yanked her into the shadows. Princess paws howled in fear, but the sparkly hands quickly covered her mouth again, so she could not make a sound. Mushroom continued walking, oblivious her favorite fluffy pal had been taken.

Princess Paws looked up at her kidnapper. It was a girl, covered from head to toe in eyeball-scorching amounts of hot pink. She wore a tiara, a giant tutu, eye shadow, lip gloss, and a neon pink coat. She stood out in the bush like a cat in a buffalo stampede. 

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" she asked in a high, nasal voice, like Chuck E. Cheese swallowing a gallon full of hydrogen. "A new dog to add to my collection..." she smiled in an ugly, evil way, twisting up her pretty face.

Princess Paws tried to break free, biting her hand, and the girl broke away in disgust. "Eeew, you're slobbery!" she said.  "Stupid dog."

By then, Mushroom had finally noticed her poached pooch, and looked around in panic and/or confusion. "Spotty? Where are you?"

The princess-girl smiled again. "Spotty? Is that you name?" she examined her collar. "It says here... 'princess paws, property of... Mushroom'? That person sure didn't look like a mushroom to me..."

"Noooo!" Mushroom began sobbing, and then ran off to her squad car like the Flash 2.0. The girl put a scratchy, pink (of course, what else?) collar on Princess paws, and began walking away, when a boy around her age covered in black, jumped out of a bush close to them. 

"Gilberto?" The girl asked, and Princess Paws thought, oh, so that's the emo kid's name, with a satisfied "ah!"

"Kylee!" Gilberto yelled in disgust. "you took the dog, didn't you?" 

Kylee gasped. "I did not!" she cried, and the two continued arguing with a long stream of cuss words in various languages. 

Suddenly, a cry ran out: "Stop!" the voice was silky and very loud. The two children and the dog turned around and saw a girl with makeup, cucumbers on her eyes, and a bath robe running towards them.

"Every time you argue," she yelled "the world gets turned into Ohio!"


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Sat Mar 18, 2023 8:02 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Hi,

I'm very happy to leave you a review!

First of all: I'm very happy you kept the title!

I liked the story very much. Especially the dialogues and the names. How do you do that? Give them such a (very well thought-through) name. I find it rather fantastic.

However I couldn't really connect the two chapters with each other, because of the Big Boss and now Mushroom. I can't connect them, did I miss something maybe?

About your writing style: It's just wonderful how you write, it makes readers want to keep on reading and is easy-readable. What's also fun! You write in a way that complex ideas are easy to understand. It's just amazing!

Overall: I really liked it, I hope you continue it!

- Rinisha




foxmaster says...


Thank you! Although, later in what happens is May is sent to spy on the cucumber face person.



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Sat Mar 18, 2023 3:30 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well it seems like we're being introduced to several sides of people in this particular story and here we're starting off with the police and this set of kidnappers. Definitely seems like an interesting combination alongside the spy organization from earlier.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was quite dark out, and a police officer covered in mushroom tattoos was strolling down the sidewalk, half illuminated by a street lamp, patrolling the area. Her real name was Nelly, but everyone called her mushroom, hence the tattoos. Her dog, Princess Paws, walked behind her, full of excitement.

"Come on, Spotty!" said Mushroom cheerfully. Had Princess Paws been a human, she would have pointed out her actual name. She was not, so she just barked loudly enough to signal all the people (and villains) in the area where she was. If Mushroom had not screwed up so terribly, she would not have been... you know, we'll save that for later.

Suddenly, two hands covered in sparkly princess gloves grabbed Princess Paws by the waist, and yanked her into the shadows. Princess paws howled in fear, but the sparkly hands quickly covered her mouth again, so she could not make a sound. Mushroom continued walking, oblivious her favorite fluffy pal had been taken.


Ooooh this is a lovely start here. Quite different from where the first chapter but definitely an exciting pair of characters and well a bit of a kidnapping to start off which is definitely getting our attention quite nicely.

Princess Paws looked up at her kidnapper. It was a girl, covered from head to toe in eyeball-scorching amounts of hot pink. She wore a tiara, a giant tutu, eye shadow, lip gloss, and a neon pink coat. She stood out in the bush like a cat in a buffalo stampede.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" she asked in a high, nasal voice, like Chuck E. Cheese swallowing a gallon full of hydrogen. "A new dog to add to my collection..." she smiled in an ugly, evil way, twisting up her pretty face.

Princess Paws tried to break free, biting her hand, and the girl broke away in disgust. "Eeew, you're slobbery!" she said. "Stupid dog."


Well this is an interesting description there for this person. Immediately it looks like we've got quite the history for this person in terms of all of the dog kidnapping that has gone on. Let's see how this plays out here.

By then, Mushroom had finally noticed her poached pooch, and looked around in panic and/or confusion. "Spotty? Where are you?"

The princess-girl smiled again. "Spotty? Is that you name?" she examined her collar. "It says here... 'princess paws, property of... Mushroom'? That person sure didn't look like a mushroom to me..."

"Noooo!" Mushroom began sobbing, and then ran off to her squad car like the Flash 2.0. The girl put a scratchy, pink (of course, what else?) collar on Princess paws, and began walking away, when a boy around her age covered in black, jumped out of a bush close to them.

"Gilberto?" The girl asked, and Princess Paws thought, oh, so that's the emo kid's name, with a satisfied "ah!"


Ooooh well that ended up going better for the kidnapper than I thought it would. Given how close Mushroom was that she was audible just moments ago I thought Mushroom would spot something but it seems instead she's just heading into investigate while the kidnappers are managing to get away.

"Kylee!" Gilberto yelled in disgust. "you took the dog, didn't you?"

Kylee gasped. "I did not!" she cried, and the two continued arguing with a long stream of cuss words in various languages.

Suddenly, a cry ran out: "Stop!" the voice was silky and very loud. The two children and the dog turned around and saw a girl with makeup, cucumbers on her eyes, and a bath robe running towards them.

"Every time you argue," she yelled "the world gets turned into Ohio!"


Well this is an interesting place to end there. It seems not everyone was on board with the person's choice to kidnap this particular dog. That certainly does open quite a few extra possibilities and we get another little cliffhanger as a result. At any rate a solid place to end.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty solid chapter here. We're introduced to another side of this world, and with characters just as interesting as we had in the previous chapter. This time the little cliffhanger is even more powerful. I can't wait to see what happens next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




foxmaster says...


thank you!



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Thu Mar 16, 2023 12:01 am
cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Yoo, here to leave a review!

This was super fun to read, and like Rose said, it's a good combination of humor and drama! I really like the characters and how random (but lowkey endearing) they are. The similes and descriptions are really creative, too, especially when you described Kylee and compared her voice to Chuck E. Cheese swallowing hydrogen.

(Though, my personal favorite part is when Princess Paws called Gilberto the emo kid, lol-)


All in all, great chapter, and I'd love to continue reading if you write a part 3!!




foxmaster says...


Thank you!



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Wed Mar 15, 2023 12:36 pm
Roxanne wrote a review...



Heyhey!

Here to give a review.
The title of your story is certainly captivating. I really like the humor in the story, it's like a perfect combination of thrill and fun.

When you read about a police officer, the only image that comes to mind is an observant, stern, and "don't mess with me" type. But the mushrooms showed a completely different side of the police officer.
And the "kidnapper" was the best. I mean, kidnappers are those mysterious people with black hoodies, but no, this one had glitter.
You really have a fascinating imagination.

I don't really get the ending of this chapter, but it makes me curious about what happens next.

Great writing style!


"Art is visible in many ways- some see it, some read it."
-Rose❤

https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/




foxmaster says...


thank you!




What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu