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"My Mind Was Fog; My Heart Became A Bomb"

by fortis


Confused, my mind a fog, and full of doubts,
diffused this smog, the heart to thus corrode,
and refuse-filled, to suffer bloodless droughts.
Unless defused, my heart would soon explode.
I couldn't think-- I heard only alarms--
and still the pathways of my lifeblood, dry.
A blaze is much too angry to disarm;
it's hard to reason why to even try.

You see my foggy thoughts, my heart of glass;
you crush my self-made jail; my dry spell breaks
and love comes flooding back. My only wish
has been fulfilled: that all these feelings pass.
No longer fog, my mind's a thousand lakes,
and not a bomb, my heart's a happy fish.

--

A/N: The poem is based on the title, which is the title of a Song by Hammock. Hence why the title is in quotes.


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Points: 132
Reviews: 7

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Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:18 am
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trailcoyote wrote a review...



I think I've heard this one, but I still super like it! Just so you know.

I really like the line:
"A blaze is much too angry to disarm; it's hard to reason why to even try,"
but the ending of it is a bit awkward...which might have been intentional? I don't know, 'reason why to even try," is just weird to me.

Also:
"my heart's a happy fish."
Is the best conclusion to a poem.

That's about it, I think :D




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Sun Feb 25, 2018 10:07 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here with another review. Please note that all my comments are intended to assist and not intended to give offense. However if any do, I offer my apology.


I liked all the imagery that was methaphores and similes. It separates the piece clearly from prose which doesn’t employ them with such frequency.

My understanding:

The poem is about a person who feels under severe mental distress and suddenly experiences alleviation when someone enters his or her life. T


The first stanza describes the uncomfortable situation via using such expressions as metal fog, smog, doubts, confused. It indicates a bloodless heart corroded by such a state of mind and on the verge of explosion. Of alarms constantly going off which would indicate an imminent disaster. Speaks of an unabatable blaze too intense to even attempt to put out.

The second stanza mentions a person who perceives the speaker’s condition. Here the heart is described as of glass and imprisoned by the condition previously described. The person destroys the jail that the speaker had constructed, defuses the heart that is described as a bomb about to explode. The speaker’s mind is described as clear and no longer fogged. The mind is transformed to a fish and a thousand lakes.

Suggestion:

Specifics about the things spoken about would have been nice.

How exactly is the mind in a fog?
Why does the heart feel as if to explode?

Why is it described as bloodless?

How exactly is it a fish and a lake at the same time?
What exactly causes the person to feel imprisoned?
How exactly is clartiy provided and how is liberty achieved?

No need to go into great detail, just a few hints would be nice.


















--




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Sun Feb 25, 2018 11:40 am
Chitz wrote a review...



Hey! Here for a quick review.

On a first note, I would like to tell that I am not a that good writer or reviewer. I just try to provide some good advice and sometimes its nothing more than a crap. I also don't have enough knowledge about poetry. Please don't get offended. It would have anything random as well.

It seems at a first look that its about your feelings which were deep settled and ate you from inside. Like something that was very dear to you but left you with nothing more than regret and pain. And thus your mind was felt with a dozen of question and doubts.
But now you have successfully overcomed it and shone out brightly. The use of 'thousand lakes' and 'haapy fish' really provides a fresh touch.

Well the piece is quite appealing. It makes the reader feel connected to it, feeling the things you experienced. The way you described your condition with words like fog and bomb is different and provided a strong effect.
I really don't have to do anything with rhyming. Your piece is already amazing. But using rhyme adds on to any anything and simply makes anything beautiful. People enjoy the sets with rhyme. You can try if you want though its already beautiful.

Do tell me if the story I got out of your piece was correct or it was something else. I would love to know it. Again, commendable work.

Hope to read more of you.

~~chitz.





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