z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 6

by Rook


~1103 words

It was finally Tuesday night, and Ivy stood at the flower shop window, watching for Nikki. She tapped her foot impatiently, and constantly checked the sun’s position in the sky. The meeting would start at dusk, and the sun was already brushing the horizon. She started pacing her shop, then opened the door to her small office where Ghost lay asleep. She had given his a bowl of water and food, and had dressed his wounds again only that afternoon. He should be fine while she was away. She felt the smooth, soft hair on his head, and he opened one yellow eye partway to look at her. The end of his tail padded the ground a bit before he closed his eye again, as if saying “Yeah yeah. Let me sleep.” Ivy wandered back to her store’s front window and waited some more. When she heard Nikki’s cart’s wheels rumbling on the cobblestones, Ivy flew out the door, pausing only briefly to lock it. She ran up to Nikki, who was looking a little worn-out from her work.

“Where were you? It’s already dusk!” Ivy exclaimed.

“Someone’s a little excited,” said Nikki.

“I just hate being late to anything.”

“Mind if I park my cart out back behind your shop?”

“Not at all. And guess what?”

“Thanks,” said Nikki, wheeling her cart around back. “What?”

“I found a cat out there, Saturday night. I woke up in the middle of the night, wandered around my shop, and heard him crying outside.”

“Crying?” asked Nikki. They started walking toward the secret alleyway entrance to the workshop.

“Yeah, he was all ripped up, like he’d been in a fight.”

“Cool. But if you wanted a cat you could’ve taken one of the million barn cats we have. They’re a nuisance.”

“I didn’t know I wanted a cat until I met Ghost.”

“That’s what you named him then?”

Ivy shrugged. “Seemed fitting.”

---

“Welcome to your second meeting,” Grey said grandly. His voice echoed all around the huge workshop. “Today I’ll be asking you some questions to determine your helpfulness levels.”

“Only if we get to ask some questions too,” Nikki shot back.

Grey hesitated a moment before shrugging. “That’s fair.”

Ivy sat quietly, wondering how she would be able to help at all. She doubted these inventors needed flower arrangements. They were sitting at a small wooden table that was one of the only flat surfaces in the workshop that was not cluttered with bits of metal and parts of machines.

“Question: the first,” Grey began, “Have you ever had any experience working with metal or machines?”

Ivy shook her head, but Nikki squinted. “Once I went to a neighboring farm and they taught me how to use their new steam-powered tractor,” She said. “Does that count?”

Grey bobbled his head around. “It counts for something, I suppose.”

“Oh! Oh! And I help my father when he makes shoes for the horses or fixes our broken equipment! Can’t believe I forgot about that.”

“That definitely counts,” said Grey. “None from you, Ivy?”

Ivy shook her head again. Grey looked disappointed.

“My turn to ask a question,” stated Nikki. “What the heck is this secret society called?”

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? We call ourselves the Lightbox Society. I mean, we’re not much of a society. Just me and Alder and sometimes Jack, and my friend Tommy sometimes…”

“Wait, I thought Jack just listened to Mr. Thornton’s rants,” said Ivy.

“That’s what he wants you to think,” said Grey with a wink.

“Why’s it called the Lightbox Society?” asked Nikki.

“Ah ah ah!” said Grey. “Not your turn to ask a question. It’s mine,” he said with a sinister grin.

Ivy raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to ask us if we’ve killed anyone before or something?”

Grey sighed. “I wish. Assuming you girls can read, how often do you read the news?”

“I grow the darn paper roses,” said Nikki indignantly.

“And I sell them,” said Ivy with the same tone.

“Okay, okay. I guess it stands to reason you’d read the news every day.”

Nikki looked at Grey expectantly.

“What?” he said.

“Why’re you called the Lightbox Society,” she repeated.

“Oh yeah. Well, I came up with the name. One of the first inventions I helped Alder with soon after I became his apprentice was the lightbox. I was eight, and he wasn’t quite as cracked as he is now. There wasn’t really a need to have a name for it back then, but it stuck.”

“What’s a lightbox?” asked Ivy.

Grey stood up and brushed back his coat. On his hip was a box the size of a small loaf of bread. He pulled a rod made of glass from the side of it. The rod was connected to the box with a curly wire. He pressed a button on the side of the box, and the rod lit up with bright white light. “We made these to see in the dark, and also to see inside dark machines,” he said. “I wear this at all times for emergencies.”

“How long does the light last?” Ivy asked.

“Not very long. Ten minutes at most,” he answered with a shrug.

“That’s so cool!” said Nikki. “How does it work?”

“I believe it’s my turn to ask the question,” said Grey.

“How come you let Ivy ask questions but not me?” Nikki pouted.

“Yes, I do believe it’s my turn,” he repeated. “What skills do you have? Nikki?”

“I’m a farmer. That should tell you most of what you need to know. I’m also the one who actually goes to town and sells our products, so I have good communication skills, I suppose.”

“Alright. And Ivy?”

“Um,” said Ivy. She racked her brains for anything that could be even slightly useful to the Lightbox Society. “I… know a lot about plants? I can make almost anything grow. I own my own shop…”

“That’s not a skill,” chided Nikki.

“Um.” She thought about Ghost sleeping at home. “Good with animals too. And I know some stuff about medicine. I like to paint? I’m fairly good at writing?”

“Hm,” said Grey. “We’ll make it work. What the Society needs more than anything is just willing people to add to our numbers. There are certain jobs in the workshop that any idiot could do.”

“Thanks a lot,” muttered Ivy. “Glad to hear how much I’m needed.”

“I mean! I didn’t mean it like that,” Grey backpedaled. “Of course you’re needed. We always need someone to make the pamphlets sound enticing.”

“They are a little cheesy,” admitted Ivy.


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Thu Sep 14, 2017 8:41 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



This seems like a fun way to do my 400th review ^.^

Nit-picks and nice moments:

She had given him a bowl of water


“Question: the first,” Grey began

I really like his speaking style ^.^

“I grow the darn paper roses,” said Nikki indignantly.

“And I sell them,” said Ivy with the same tone.

“Okay, okay. I guess it stands to reason you’d read the news every day.”

I don't really understand this bit.

On his hip was a box the size of a small loaf of bread. He pulled a rod made of glass from the side of it. The rod was connected to the box with a curly wire.

Something about the sentence structure here is a bit list-y.

“I mean! I didn’t mean it like that,” Grey backpedaled. “Of course you’re needed.

Something felt slightly off about this interaction. Her indignation makes sense, but I would have thought she'd take offense more at indirectly being referred to as an idiot than being told her skills weren't needed. That seems like it just happens to be the case. It's nobody's fault, but there's no reason to expect that she'd be a perfect fit. So then Grey ends up apologising for something that (imo) isn't that big a deal. I still think it's the right fit for him to backpedal and apologise (it's actually really humorous), just out of calling her an idiot instead :P

Overall:

The first thing that occurs to me that I really really liked in this chapter was the humour. We're really not that far in but I'm already getting a great sense of your characters. I especially like Nikki and I hope at some point I get to see what her struggles are. So far she's been very *very* happy, to the point where it almost feels like she's compensating for something. That's not necessarily the case, of course. I just mean that because she's been set up this way it would be easy for the characters to take her happiness for granted (and even get infuriated by it) without realising that she faces difficulties in life too.

My first criticism is that Ivy seems really, really enthusiastic all of a sudden (in the bit before the ---). Obviously it's fine to have a character have a sudden change of heart, but I'd like maybe just a line to acknowledge that on Ivy's part.

My only other thing is that it surprises me Alder wasn't doing this interrogation? I guess Grey's his assistant so maybe he'd delegate, but it doesn't seem like the busiest organisation in the world xD It's an interesting dynamic but not how I'd expect it. So unless I'm the one being weird then that could also do with a line of explanation somewhere. I'm sure I'll see soon enough if Grey is typically the one doing most of the work (which would be rather funny tbf).

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Tue Jul 11, 2017 10:50 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



fortis this is were I start to say it is getting a bit baring, they are torking about the maichens a gen and that gets a bit baring after a wile,and if I were you I woud not in clard the idiot at all in the story. "Welcome to your second meeting," Grey said grandly.
see that is were I get bard I just think that you need a mistrey of some cined in the story and the cat it seems to me that it dos int neey to be in the story eney more




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Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:52 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Fortis! Told you I'd get here eventually.

So right away, I feel like I'm missing a relationship development with Ghost. Like, he's taken in, and then we see him feeling comfortable and being left on his own several days later. There's gotta be some kind of adjustment which would take her attention, and I think it would be worth it to build the reader's sense of her character by showing that instead of skipping over it.

“I grow the darn paper roses,” said Nikki indignantly.

“And I sell them,” said Ivy with the same tone.

“Okay, okay. I guess it stands to reason you’d read the news every day.”


I don't understand the logic here -- how does growing paper roses lead to reading the news?? Unless I'm forgetting a detail that connects them??

I'm liking this banter, though -- I was craving some more trio interaction.

so I have good communication skills, I suppose.”


This sounds like you, the author, speaking. I feel like she would claim that she's "good with people" or "good at selling" or something like that, instead.

And finally, I'm just left wondering a little bit more about how the logic of the society all works -- what's the goal?! what do they spend their days doing!? I know it's kind of run-down with lack of participation, but I'm just so curious! haha.

I'll head on to the next part! Thanks for sharing,

Hannah




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Sun Apr 02, 2017 4:56 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey forti! :)

The end of his tail padded the ground a bit before he closed his eye again, as if saying “Yeah yeah. Let me sleep.”

Padding here doesn't seem quite right, like it's better to describe how a cat walks than how it's tail moves? Maybe the tail thudded, whapped, or even patted would work better. Flopped? Flapped? But I do love your interpretation of the cat body language. XD

When she heard Nikki’s cart’s wheels rumbling on the cobblestones, Ivy flew out the door, pausing only briefly to lock it.

Nikki's cart's wheels is so awkward! It might be better phrased as "the wheels of Nikki's cart". :)

“Today I’ll be asking you some questions to determine your helpfulness levels.”

Even though it's Grey, that doesn't really sound like something a person would really say. Maybe something more like, "your skill set" or "your natural abilities" or "how/where you could help the most". They sound a bit more professional and more natural a bit!

“Question: the first,”

...could he not just say the first question?

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? We call ourselves the Lightbox Society. I mean, we’re not much of a society. Just me and Alder and sometimes Jack, and my friend Tommy sometimes…”

Maybe one of the sometimes can be changed to "from time to time" or "on occasion" so there's not that repetition?

sighed. “I wish. Assuming you girls can read, how often do you read the news?”

“I grow the darn paper roses,” said Nikki indignantly.

“And I sell them,” said Ivy with the same tone.

“Okay, okay. I guess it stands to reason you’d read the news every day.”

...the paper roses? This bit was kind of confusing, I inderstand their occupations, but why does that mean they'd read the news every day?

“Why’s it called the Lightbox Society?” asked Nikki.
“Why’re you called the Lightbox Society,” she repeated

I don't know why, but it bothered me a bit that the question isn't quite the same when it's repeated?

Anyway, this was pretty good. The info dump wasn't too intense, it was good again to see the characters interact. It seems like it's still a part of the buildup, though I hope that the idea of the light box will prove to be important later! Sorry I got so picky over your phrasing, overall it's quite good. The ending is, as mentioned below, a bit abrupt, like it's meant to be the first part of a chapter rather than the whole.

Can't wait for the next one!

<3 Falc




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Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:29 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, seeing that it's still in the Green Room, I might drop a review here!

The first paragraph: please break it up. It's easier for me to read and also I see two themes running through it. Huge paragraphs are tough to read and even if they have the same "idea" inside, it's better to divide into smaller, easier-to-digest bits. I think variety is good. Long short, long short, but I don't really like huge lengths.

When Nikki wheeled her cart to the back, I don't really understand how Ivy and Nikki could talk about the cat. That is, unless the back is really close. So if the back wasn't I would probably have Nikki return to Ivy BEFORE Ivy talks about her cat. That was a little confusing. Or maybe Ivy might follow along with Nikki? Anyway, it doesn't make so much sense to me for Nikki to be able to listen and talk if she's walking away. I try to walk away while chatting to my family and end up confusing them.

If you haven't described the secret alleyway to the workshop before (in previous chapters), it would be nice if you did. I would have liked to know more of the setting here, but it may because I've jumped in around chapter 4 and 5.

“Welcome to your second meeting,” Grey said grandly. His voice echoed all around the huge workshop. “Today I’ll be asking you some questions to determine your helpfulness levels.”


"Helpfulness levels" sound really awkward. Maybe phrasing it to "how helpful you are" or something else would be better. I suppose Grey is grandiose, but I feel as if "helpfulness levels" is a bit too awkward.

“I mean! I didn’t mean it like that,” Grey backpedaled. “Of course you’re needed. We always need someone to make the pamphlets sound enticing.”


Backpedaled? Honestly, my attention was drawn more to it than the words around it. I don't mind dialogue tags like "chided", "countered", "replied", but is this a little too much?

The ending of the chapter was slightly off in my opinion. Just Ivy saying, "They are a little cheesy"? This is my personal opinion, but when chapters end with dialogue, I would typically like them to have:

a) a decision/command/or end-of-conversation words,
b) important revealing/something intriguing

I'll just take a quick sweep of the remaining bits here:

Plot:Well, you introduced some information about the Lightbox Society. You're heading somewhere and I'm quite interested to know. But then the ending didn't exactly hit a great punch here.

Characters: I absolutely love the way you portrayed the characters here! They're all very distinct and have their own voices. I love to see variety in a cast of characters and I think you showcased them well.

Setting: Hmm...maybe it might need a tad more description here. But then again, I've only started at chapter 4 and haven't read the previous yet (will come to it later), and take it with a grain of salt.

Sorry for this long review. I definitely enjoyed this chapter, and I'm looking forward to read more of your novel. Hope this helped:

~Princess Ink~




Rook says...


Thank you! This was really helpful. I inserted some things in the first paragraph and forgot to check the length. I'll definitely split it up.
I did describe the alleyway and the workshop in previous chapters, so don't worry :)
I imagined Ivy walking with nikki to the back I'll make this more clear.
I thought backpeddaled was pretty awkward but I was in too much of a rush to actually change it. I'll fix it.
And YES to how bad the end spot is. again, rush. I think honestly this should be only one part of this chapter, because I feel like I'm not done with the scene, but I hate having a different chapter number than LMS week number (hence why I smushed chapters 4 and 5 together).
Anyway! Thanks again for the review!




If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb