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A letter of complaint to the gossipy girls in gym class

by fortis


Who wants a manly man?
One of all grit and grip and gripe?

Who wants a man of steel
if that means his heart is metal?

Who wants a man that can lift 450 pounds
if he can’t lift your heart when you’re sad?

Who wants a man that never shows emotion
if he doesn’t know how to show his love either?

Who cares about a man’s height
when his highest ambitions revolve around TV?

Who wants a man of heroic staunchness
when he can’t talk over the dinner table?

Who wants a man that earns a 7-digit paycheck
when all he cares about is money and business?

Who cares about a man’s “hot bod”
when his brain has cobwebs?

Stop thinking height and width,
and start thinking depth.


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Thu Jul 03, 2014 8:27 am
donizback wrote a review...



Well it is okay and simple. Liked your point of view though. Anyway, try to conclude the poem the way you started it or at least with a good, strong rhyme so that it looks cool. What else to say? Don't use numbers (7); instead write "seven". Other than that, I did not find anything wrong. Good luck for the future.




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:04 am
GreenLight24 says...



Pretty simple, but very profound and quite true. I am none of these things you mentioned, so I'm feeling a little better about myself after reading this lol.




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 6:38 pm
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RoyalHighness says...



Image




Unique says...


lol. God I love that guy...



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Mon Jun 30, 2014 6:15 pm
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sophomoric wrote a review...



Hm, it seems unlike some of the reviewers here, I actually appreciate repetition. I think you did a wonderful job and wow do I agree with the last two lines.

However, I'm pretty sure the word, "that" in lines such as "Who wants a man that can lift 450 pounds," and "Who wants a man that never shows emotion," should be changed to "who." "That" is used for objects and "who" is used for people.

I'm not a hundred percent sure, but still pretty sure all the same.




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:16 pm
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ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



I actually found this funny, it reminds me of someone I know.

You did a great job on this and should be proud of yourself.
It's obvious this was based off of personal experience.

Spot-on job

Though I do have a few nitpicks.


NITPICKING TIME!!!!

Who cares about a man’s height---> This part basically repeats at the ending.
when his highest ambitions revolve around TV?

Stop thinking height and width,
and start thinking depth.---> I do like this part but it sort of repeats and I feel it could've had a better ending.

Besides that there's no punctual and grammar issues. You did a great job!

I am tempted to read more, and I might in the future.

Keep On Writing!

Image

Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde


Writer, Artist, Student and Reader




AdmiralKat says...


you're is spelled wrong.





My grammar sucks, thanks for notifying me the mistake ;3



AdmiralKat says...


XD I just noticed that and I was like! 0_0



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Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:11 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



This was brilliant xD
You zoned in exactly on what I remember from changing room conversations - that group of girls who don't do anything other than stand around and talk about boys and it's so shallow that you just want to laugh at them. I especially love your last two lines

Stop thinking height and width,
and start thinking depth.


The only nitpicky thing I have is about the first stanza:
Who wants a manly man?
One of all grit and grip and gripe?

In all your other stanzas the whole two lines are posed as one question with a question mark at the end yet this has one at the end of each line. I'm not sure if it's a personal thing, but it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem.

Good job on this - made me laugh!
Icy.




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 9:22 am
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Renard wrote a review...



LOL. XD First of all.
Review. Second of all.
This is obviously based on something you've seen/experienced. I am wondering.. XD

'Who wants a man of heroic staunchness
when he can’t talk over the dinner table?'

You're repeatedly drilling a point here about someone nobody wants. But we don't know why:
'Stop thinking height and width,
and start thinking depth.'

Or at least I don't. This work is really confusing. XD

I don't really understand what's going on, but it's also entertaining.

I would love an explanation of what this is!? :)

Keep writing.
~R




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:57 am
Brunnera wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm just here to say this was a wonderful work!

It totally deserves its spot in the spotlight, I mean-- it was brilliant! Everything held meaning and sincerity, the unspoken truth. the flow was nice and consistent throughout the work, and the words used were precise.

I'm sorry this couldn't be so helpful, and I especially liked a few stanzas, such as:

"Who wants a man that can lift 450 pounds
if he can’t lift your heart when you’re sad?"

"Who wants a man that earns a 7-digit paycheck
when all he cares about is money and business?"

Those two stanzas were especially powerful to me.

If I have the time, I'll stop by to review on your other works! they all have interesting titles, but right now, duty is calling xD

Great work! I totally enjoyed this.

~Brunnera




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 12:23 am
racket wrote a review...



This is awesome, fortis! I love how you explore all the options of what girls generally lean towards in qualities of guys and tell the world how they are wrong. It is not criticism, but more like...I don't know how to describe it, except that I like it. This is an exceptional poem, and I really enjoyed your point of view, as well as reading this.
One thing I see here is that I believe (I'm not entirely sure) poetry is supposed to capitalize every line . It is up to you whether you want to do that though.
One of my favorite lines, and point, here (there are many, points and lines I like, I mean):
"Who cares about a man's "hot bod"
when his brain has cobwebs?"
This is so true! I just love everything you've pointed out and wish I was able to create such well-interpreted poems, or any other form of literature.
This is my review that is so small because I am bad at giving compliments, especially when there are too many to count. The review is also small because there is no flaw in your poem. Thank you so much for writing this and taking the time to interpret your point of view to readers everywhere. Again, thank you, and have a wonderful day.
~Racket




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:41 am
midnightstars wrote a review...



You hit the nail on the head fortis!

You explained what a girl wants and why you wouldn't want it. If you have a hot guy wouldn't you want one with brains? I love you writing and personally I wouldn't change a single thing. Honestly I think you should teach writing. You evoke emotion but no so much scenery in this piece of writing. This is the best piece by far I've read tonight.
Keep writing you're going to make history.




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:40 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi, fort!

While I can see from where you're coming in this poem, I feel like it needs a bit more development. Repetition is a poetic device, yes, but it's one of my least favorites, simply because when it is overused, the eyes of the reader tend to skim over the repeated parts, and sometimes over the non repeated parts. So perhaps try to format this differently.

Also, I feel kinda greasy after reading this-- I mean, everybody can like what they like, right? And to most people, the depth matters, but also the looks and the brawn matter. For me, I like more androgynous people, but my friend Meaghan goes for the football players every time. So I kinda felt uncomfortable because the narrator was pretty much completely overlooking that. Because this poem is about depth, perhaps the narrator could show more.

if that means his heart is metal?
This line felt weird to me. I think it's because metal is seen as strong, so it would follow that his heart is strong. Perhaps find a metal in particular that is weak. I would like to see tin here, as it might also draw attention to the "tin man" in The Wizard of Oz. He didn't have a heart.

if he doesn’t know how to show his love either?
To me, love is included in emotions, so I'd find a way to reword these two lines.

Altogether, I appreciate the sentiment, the annoyance at other people not looking as deeply as yourself, but I think the execution needs a little work. But really, what poem doesn't need work? I hope that this review proves useful to you! Have fun poeting, and Happy fahrvergnügen!




fortis says...


"Because this poem is about depth, perhaps the narrator could show more. "
Hehe I guess that's true. What I was trying to get at here was that it's fine and dandy if they're hot and attractive and all. But if you're sacrificing one trait for another, I would pick that second trait every time. Is there an easier way to do this do you think?

I like you're other ideas! I'll go over this again with them in mind.
Thanks for your wonderful review! :D



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:32 am
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AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! Also, Happy Review Day! :D

This poem is amazing! The only problem......it's title. It's not a letter! It's a poem. XD If it were a letter then it would have the Dear Gossipy Girl, blah blah blah! XD That's all I can find wrong with this piece though!

I love this poem so much! Your organization is great! Your stanzas are perfect! I couldn't find any repetition! I love all of this poem! My favorite part is this,

Stop thinking height and width, and start thinking depth
I am a really mathy person, so I love that statement! I can totally relate to this. I was in an art class where the girls were really gossipy and they always ALWAYS talked about "cute" boys when they were players and just really I mean stupid. I can not express my love for this poem enough! It is brilliant! I think you should make another poem like this but with you thinking of the opposite. Like you may have found the perfect guy or you finally found the one for YOU. Tell me when you make another piece. Keep writing! Oh my gosh! You are so awesome at this! :D




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:05 am
KathrynLane wrote a review...



Great poem! I agree with RoxieRain, there is so much truth in this, which is frankly really sad. The line; "stop thinking about height and width, and start thinking about depth" really got to me. It was brilliantly worded, really makes you think :) just one tiny little thing; "who wants a man that earns a 7 digit pay check." You should write the 7 as a word (seven) but honestly, I'm really just being a perfectionist. Amazing poem, thanks :)




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Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:22 am
RoxieRain wrote a review...



I personally love this poem. It holds so much truth. Not to be offensive because I am guilty of some of these too but unfortunately this is how a lot of girls think. Anyways, great job on this poem. I can't wait to read more of your pieces.
Keep up the great writing! :-)
-Roxie Rain





"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare